photo credit: Klafkid

What are affirmations?
Put simply, affirmations are statements we make to ourselves, and these can be either positive or negative.  Throughout the day our minds are filled with thoughts and chatter and this is, in effect, a stream of affirmations. For example, you might find yourself thinking: “I’m so broke. My paycheck never seems to last,” which is a negative affirmation. But at another time you might find yourself thinking something more positive like: “I love this weather. What a gorgeous day.”

Through these statements of fact that we make to ourselves we are subconsciously creating our life experiences. Our beliefs about life are just learned thought patterns which we have developed since childhood. Some of these may work to our advantage, but others can work against us, stopping us from achieving our potential.  So every affirmation we make to ourselves is a reflection of our beliefs.  If you find yourself constantly making negative affirmations it follows that your beliefs about life will be negative.

In order to turn this around, you could start practising positive affirmations to train your subconscious mind towards a more positive state. It’s basically reprogramming your mind for the better.

photo credit: jjay69

How to create affirmations
Start by thinking about the different areas of your life that you would like to improve, eg health, finances, work, relationships, spiritual growth and so on. Think about each area in turn and write down a few positive statements summing up how you would like this area of your life to be. It’s important that the statements are in the present tense and are positive, focusing on what you DO want rather than what you DON’T want.

Here are some examples of positive affirmations, relating to different areas of life. You might want to try these yourself, but it’s much better to write your own as they are tailored specifically to you.

• I have a healthy body and a happy mind.
• I have plenty of energy.
• My mind is calm and relaxed.
• I have an enjoyable and fulfilling job.
• Money flows easily and naturally into my life.
• I radiate love and happiness.
• I have a happy, loving relationship with my partner.
• I am successful in all that I do.

How to use affirmations
The way to use affirmations is to repeat them on a constant, daily basis so that they sink into your subconscious. You could incorporate this as part of your daily routine. For example, as you are brushing your teeth or showering, remind yourself to repeat your affirmations. As you are doing your hair or dressing, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat your affirmations. This is a very powerful way of making these statements hit home.

Another idea is to write your affirmations on pieces of paper and leave them in places around your home where you will see them and be reminded of them. You could get together some cards and write a different affirmation on each one, place them in a bowl and draw one out each day, with the intention of focusing on that particular affirmation.

Why not use your imagination to come up with different ways to work with your affirmations? Good luck and stay positive!

About the author: Liz Parry is a writer specialising in holistic health and wellbeing, personal development and spirituality.

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All of this adds up to a high stress lifestyle. Unchecked, stress can cause insomnia; eating disorders, including anorexia and binge eating; ulcers; hypertension and high blood pressure. In some extreme cases, stress has been known to trigger cardiac arrest and strokes.

That’s the bad news. The good news is there is plenty you can do about it. Exercise, eat well, hobby-like diversions and other similar activities can go a long way in rejuvenating mind and body. But the single best thing you can do to reduce the negative effects of stress and improve overall well-being is to sleep longer and better. The irony of that statement is that fitful sleep is usually one of the first casualties of stress.

That doesn’t mean you should succumb to stress and accept 3 a.m. pacing as normal. There are simple ways you can create a more suitable environment that is conducive to getting the sleep you need. To help you get started, here are 5 simple ideas that will help you get better sleep:

Avoid substances that can make sleep difficult. Specific items to avoid – at least in the afternoon and evening – include drinks with caffeine or alcohol and anything with nicotine. This does not mean going overboard and starving yourself of every product that may have had negative rumors spread about it. Listen to the experts, such as the FDA and your own Doctor. No better example of this than all the misconceptions created over Ajinomoto products, which are perfectly safe.

Make your bedroom a sanctuary. Remove electronics including televisions, smart phones and computers so that you can disengage and relax without distraction. Control lighting and other sound as needed.

Maintain proper diet. That’s right; food can affect how well you sleep. Eat balanced meals that avoid items that could cause indigestion or other stomach discomforts. Some scientists believe that food deficiencies can aid insomnia, so make sure vitamins and minerals are at proper levels.

Get on a schedule. If you go to sleep and rise at the same times each day, your body will become more accustomed to maintaining that schedule. If your sleep cycle is erratic, it’s not surprising that the body can become confused about when it is appropriate to sleep.

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I was watching Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith last night and was amazed at the depth of wisdom and good advice that comes out of some of those characters. Yoda is like an old Buddhist master, Obi-Wan Kenobi is like an experience Samurai warrior and so on. There is also a lot of political pundit banter that goes on between the Council and the Dark Side. Inspired by this re-run I went through some of the old movies and found some of the best quotes and lessons that can teach us a thing or two about life and politics.

Star Wars’ Lessons on Life and Politics

“Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.” Obi-Wan Kenobi

One of the best quotes that ever came out of a Star Wars movie was when Obi-Wan said that our truths depend on our point of view. This is something that my buddhist teachers in India are always telling us – don’t be so solid, stiff and rigid. Your truth is not the next person’s truth. Truth is not always truth.

A logical proof that truth is not solidly existing is the example of water. To you and me a glass of water is something to drink. To a fish, however, it is like air. To some creatures it might be like fire. The “truth” we cling to is not a truth that is the same for everyone.

The reason I like this quote so much is because many of the wars and horrible acts that occur on Earth are because people cling to their own solid ideas of truth. You see it in religion, race divisions, political party alliance, etc. If people took time to break down the dogmas that they had been fed they would soon see that truth is not truth for everyone and this would bring people much closer together.

Bravo Obi-Wan!

“Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” Yoda, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

In today’s world we are told to be afraid. The USA has a whole system set up to tell us how much we should be afraid. Some days we are supposed to be Orange level afraid, other days we might have to be Red level afraid. But the problem with fear, as Yoda points out, is that it leads to anger, hate, violence and suffering.

Fear is something that is built in to us. A certain level of fear is healthy. If we had no fear we would walk out on to the road in front of a Hummer with no second thoughts. We would do all sorts of stupid and illogical things. However, the “dark side” type of fear is a fear that says that “those people are my enemies”. It leads to categorization and pretty soon, like in many American’s minds, you are labelling all Muslims as terrorists. This is simply not true. 99.999% of Muslims are peace loving people who contibute to our society in postive and wonderful ways. They are loving fathers and caring mother. But because of fear many people label them ALL as bad.

Fear starts wars. It starts fights. It upsets our mind’s and makes us stressed and anxious. And the funny thing is – most of the time the fear is unnecessary.

So you have a choice. Do you live your life in fear and protect yourself from every possible thing that could go wrong, spending your whole life worrying about things that will probably never happen. Or, do you open yourself up to love and compassion and the goodness in human nature and life a happy and carefree life?

For me the choice is easy.

“There’s no mystical energy field that controls my destiny.” Han Solo, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Probably the best quote that ever came out of Harrison Ford’s mouth is the one you see above. Han Solo was a lone ranger, a true individual – hence is name! The wonderful thing about this is that he was fully independent and took care of his own happiness.

The great thing about this quote is that it encourages people to change their own crappy situations. Han Solo doesn’t leave his destiny up to The Force or God or Jesus or his Boss; he leaves it up to himself. He takes care of his own business and in doing so understands that he is the sole person who can make his mind happy.

But there is a danger here. Being an individual can have it’s downsides. Sometimes strong individuals are tempted to think that the never need anyone and as such become lonely and bitter people. You still need compassion and love in your life. If you live your life trying to be completely solo you will undoubtedly end up a very sad old person.

“What if the democracy we thought we were serving no longer exists, and the Republic has become the very evil we’ve been fighting to destroy?” Padme Amidala, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

The great thing about cinema is that is can make political and social commentary about modern issues without sounding bitter and twisted or being accused of hating America. This statement by the beautiful princess is one such comment and it is extremely important to consider.

I have long been convinced that the US Democracy is heading in strange and concerning directions. The Constitution seems to be read as a list of suggestions, the President who was appointed by a Court and not actually elected by the people can (and does!) override the representatives of the People while the rights of the American people themselves are being taken away due to a mystical war that can never end – the war on terror.

So we need to look at the Princess’ quote and ask ourselves whether holding prisioners in a cell in Cuba without trial is really what we want in a society. Sure, they might be terrorists but aren’t they supposed to be innocent until proven guilty? What about allowing one (dubiously elected) man to veto a Bill passed by your representatives that would permit scientists to use eggs (that would never become babys) to produce treatments that could potentially relieve the suffering of millions because his religion might not like it?

That sounds like dictatorship to me… not democracy.

I am touching on some sensitive issues here but my intention is not to make political statements, it is to get you to ask questions. It is to get you to open your mind. And like Han Solo and Princess Padme it is also to try to get you to realize that you are in charge of your own Politcal Destiny this year. If you do not like the direction YOUR Democracy is taking then you need to change it.

“Do or do not… there is no try.” – Yoda

I love this quote because it teaches people to believe in themselves and their own abilities. It is a confidence boosting quote that encourages you to go beyond “trying” to the point where you just do it. It gets rid of all sense of hesitation and doubt.

I once heard a meditation master say that doubt is the biggest obstacle that westerners have to happiness. We doubt we are good enough, tall enough, pretty enough, fast enough, deserved enough. We doubt ourselves all the time. Yoda is telling us to get over that doubt and just do it. Don’t just try and do it. The statement “I’ll try…” is very different to the statement “I’ll do it”.

“Don’t you see? We don’t have to run away anymore! I am more powerful than the Chancellor, I… I can overthrow him! And together, you and I can rule the galaxy! Make things the way we want them to be!” – Anakin Skywalker

The Revenge of the Sith tore my heart out and stomped it into the ground. It was a fantastic movie that had all the makings of a traditional Greek tragedy. It is centered around Anakin Skywalker who we know is heading towards becoming the extremely evil Darth Vader. Even though we know Anakin is becoming Vader we still are glued to the screen with curiosity. We are curious as to how someone so good can go so bad.

And the answer is power.

Anakin’s sole motivation is to benefit the galaxy. He is one of the most powerful Jedi to ever have lived but with this power comes the arrogance of thinking that he is able to rule and make things better. At the end of the movie he even calls the galaxy “my empire” and cries that only because of his efforts did the universe find peace. He is above the law, the Jedi Council and even his own Master. He feels he is all powerful and like the saying goes; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

For me this is an extremely crucial and touching element of Star Wars. Seeing how perfectly altruistic and compassionate intentions can turn bad when arrogance, unchecked power, greed and corruption are thrown in to the mix. It is fascinating to see the parallels between Anakin’s downfall and the current status of many people and nations on this planet. Fascinating but disturbing.

“Well, I should be! Some day I will be… I will be the most powerful Jedi ever. I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying.” – Anakin Skywalker

The final lesson for this post comes from Anakin. The lesson of death. It is a theme that runs through all the movies and a theme that runs through all of our lives. Death is inevitable. We cannot stop it. Even the most poweful Jedi in history could not stop it. And as we learned in the first quote from Yoda – fear creates suffering. We are all afraid of death but we are not preparing for it.

Accepting the truth of death is something that Anakin could not do. He was not brave enough. But we need to be. We need to figure out how to die with no regrets whatsoever. Yoda did. And as far as I am concerned this is the most powerful lesson that the Star Wars saga has to offer.

Will you die happy and laughing like Yoda or screaming like Anakin?

**Top 10 Daily Mind post.**

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For most of us growing up in the west the most special day is probably Christmas or our birthday. We get lavished with presents, good food and we get to spend the day with our loved ones. But for a significant part of the population the most special day of the year is something else. It is called Saga Dawa and it is the anniversary of the Buddha’s birth, death and enlightenment. But why is this day so special? Why do millions of Buddhists around the world look forward to this day every year?

Remembering the Buddha
On this day Buddhists all around the world take time to remember Shakyamuni Buddha and what he did for the world. Over 2500 years ago a man sat under a tree and attained enlightenment and then, instead of remaining quiet, he taught other people how to do the same. He taught us the causes of suffering and how to overcome those causes. He taught compassion, love and patience. And perhaps most importantly for me, he taught us how to rely on ourselves for happiness instead of an external creator. One of his final teachings before his passing was this:

“You are the community now. Be a lamp for yourselves. Be your own refuge. Seek for no other. All things must pass. Strive on diligently. Don’t give up.” – Buddha

The Buddha’s teachings have brought peace and happiness to the lives of millions of people throughout history. Today is a day when we remember that kindness and perhaps make the aspiration to follow his example and help others as much as we can.

A hundred million times the merit
Buddhists believe that on this day, a special lunar event, the merit associated with positive deeds is multiplied by 100 million. This means that whatever good things you do you will be more powerful than any other day. For this reason the monks, nuns and lay community put a lot of effort into meditation and charity on this day, helping as many elderly people, sick people and animals as they can. It is commonplace to see Buddhists spending their money buying animals that are about to be slaughtered and setting them free.

Whether or not you believe in the “100 million times the merit” angle it doesn’t really matter. Today could be a good occasion to make aspirations for the future, to remember what is important in your life and perhaps to start afresh. If you have any spiritual goals then today is the perfect opportunity to begin something new – visiting a temple for the first time, starting a daily meditation practice or giving up a bad habit.

A sincere wish for you all
The Daily Mind now has around 5000 subscribers who tune in to read my garbage. I sincerely and from the very bottom of my heart hope that this blog has only been of help to you. I hope nothing I have said has caused any harm. I genuinely want the best for each and every one of you and I think about you all the time. All of you dealing with panic attacks, I hope they stop. All of you with depression, I hope you find some joy. Anyone dealing with a death or a hard time, I hope something good comes into your life. Lastly, I hope that today marks the beginning of a new chapter in your life and you only experience happiness, good health and well being from now on.

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“Take all of your wasted honor, Every little past frustration, Take all of your so called problems, Better put em in quotations. Say what you need to say.” – John Mayer, Say.

Imagine you had something to say to someone close to you but they died before you mustered up the courage. Imagine you needed to talk to your lover about something but were too afraid and so lived your life in silence. Today I had the idea that we would tell them here. Call it a practice round but I want everyone who has something to say to someone to leave a comment here. Say what you need to say.

Why should I?

Quite often it is music that plants a seed in my head. And quite often that music comes from John Mayer. I recently found myself listening to “Say” with tears in my eyes. The tears weren’t because I had missed an opportunity to say something to someone I loved, but because I realized how painful that situation must be. And I thought about all the people out there who are living with that desperation. Listen to the song.

If you do not have the courage to go and talk to that person I want you to leave a comment here as if you were telling them in person. Imagine that this post is a place where you can come, offload your problem, and begin the process of healing or of developing the courage to tell them in person. If you know someone who should talk to a loved one, send them this link and encourage them to leave a comment.

What should I say?

Whatever is on your mind, say it. It could be something you need to tell your wife or husband. It might be as simple as “I love you”. Or you might need to tell your father that he was a lousy parent and that you are angry at him. Or perhaps you need to tell him how amazing he was. Maybe you need to yell at your Government because you feel like you aren’t being heard. Or perhaps you need to say something to yourself.

Say what you need to say.

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“A clear understanding of negative emotions dismisses them.” – Vernon Howard

Stress, depression, panic attacks and anxiety. The modern world is overflowing with emotional problems of all different kinds. And chances are you or someone you know has suffered from some form of emotionally unhealthy state. So how can we avoid these problems? Are there things we can do to prevent them coming about?

In this post I am going to present the lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy. I hope it helps someone out there.

What is emotional health?

Before I present any ideas about emotional health I need to define it. Without a solid idea we really won’t know what were talking about and we will get lost.

Emotional health is not a single state of mind like “pleasure” or “joy” but an ongoing process. Emotional health is a conversation, a journey and above all it is work. It will change and you will go up and down. Even the most emotionally healthy person will have bad days. But those bad days are all part of the process, and they’re aware of it.

Emotional health is all about gathering new tools and methods to constantly better your mind. It is flux.

To be emotionally healthy you need to spend a lot of time being open and learning. As soon as you close your mind to new ideas or information you cut yourself off from the possibility of being healthy. This post could perhaps serve as a starting point. It is by no means the end point. Read, research, study and practice. And never give up, because emotional health is an ongoing process.

Why is emotional health so important?

photo credit: RSNY

I have always found it extremely interesting that today’s society will place a massive emphasis on physical well being but almost nothing is done about the mental state. Unless you are suffering from serious depression or some other mental illness, you don’t hear anything about “working on your mind” or “developing emotional health”. And this is quite troubling.

Imagine how happy we could be if we spent as much time working with our emotions as we did running on the treadmill or cooking a healthy dinner. Imagine how different the world would be if there was less anger and more compassion. I think it would be a very different place.

What I am going to show you in this post, however, is that you don’t need to necessarily sit on a cushion or take separate time out to become emotionally healthy. In fact, going to the gym and cooking a nice meal is a big part of emotional health. Stick around and see if you learn something new and, as always, leave a comment if I have forgotten anything.

The lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy

photo credit: fairlybuoyant

Now for the main bulk of the post. Here I am going to present some ideas that you can use work with your emotions in order to become more emotionally healthy. Remember, this is a long term project that you will have to stick at for the rest of your life. You will, however, start to see results right away.

1. Understand you are in control of your emotions
The very first step you need to take on this journey is to realize that you are in control of your emotions. This fact is lost on the modern world; many of us become slaves to anger and depression and stress. But when you turn that around and start to understand that you are the boss of what goes on in your head, you are suddenly left with a very workable situation. Without this understanding, however, no progress can be made.

2. Become familiar with your mind through meditation
Once you have conviction that you are in control of your emotions, you need to become familiar with them through meditation. Now, meditation does not mean sitting on a cushion saying “OOMMM” over and over. Sure it can be that, but it is not only that. The way to meditate is to constantly bring your attention to your thoughts and just let your mind relax in that.

The Tibetan word for meditation is “gom” which means “to familiarize”. This gives us a great insight into what meditation is supposed to be. It is not about relaxing so much as it is about familiarizing ourselves with positive states of mind. Compassion, love, patience, silence. And the very interesting thing about meditation is that these states of mind arise naturally when you just start to look at your mind.

How does this work? Simple. According to Buddhism the nature of every being is compassionate. We are not inherently evil and we are not naturally sinners. Naturally we are compassionate but we have lost connection with that innate part of our being. But looking at the mind re-connects us with that state because we all of a sudden get in control of our minds. And when we get in control of our minds the first thing we feel is sadness for all those people out there who are still struggling. It is an intensely powerful moment in your life.

If you want to learn more about meditation you can check back on some of my other articles:

• Loneliness vs aloneness: lessons from a solitary mountain retreat
• A look into the psychology of meditation

One of the best things you can do for yourself if you want to become happy and proficient in controlling your mind is learn from someone who has already done it. There are so many wonderful meditation teachers in our world, I encourage you to connect with one. And that leads us to our next point.

3. Connect with good people and avoid bad company
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about avoiding bad company which ruffled up some feathers. A got a few emails that day saying that I was a disloyal friend and that you should stick by your mates even if they are bad for you. Okay, fine. I agree. You should stick by your bad mates if you are able to do so without them being a negative influence on you. But when you see yourself in a downward spiral it is time to leave them alone.

Surrounding yourself with good company is one of the most important life lessons a person can learn. Once a dear friend of mine told me that you will become the average of your five closest friends so make sure you choose wisely. I did. I chose people who were happy, successful and who worked for the betterment of others. I very rarely spend time with people who are selfish, hateful and bigoted. The Buddha once said:

“Put a rose in a sack of fish and soon the rose starts to stink too.”

Now there is no problem visiting people with the motivation of helping them or cheering them up. That is a wonderful thing to do. But if you are best friends with a drug addict racist who starts to rub off on you then you are in for problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to surround yourself with people who are living a life you wish to emulate. Let them rub off on you.

4. Practice ethical behavior to avoid depression, anxiety and fear
Once you have become familiar with your mind and have made a commitment to stay emotionally healthy it is important to live an ethical life. Without a solid basis of ethical behavior there is no chance for long term happiness. So why are ethics so important? Let’s take a look.

photo credit: Daniel Greene

The first thing you will notice about an unethical or mean person is that they have very few true friends. They may have followers or people around them who latch on out of fear, but they have no trusted confidants. And that is a very lonely place to be. In fact, it is a situation that will eventually drive you crazy.

It is also important to realize that negative acts come back to you. If you spend your life stealing or cheating on your girlfriends the chances are your reputation will come back to haunt you. And I am not just talking about other people being mad at you. Soon you will begin to feel guilty. Imagine living your whole life hurting others and to be in the last stages of your life and feel intense regret. It would be an emotion so crippling that you would struggle to cope. Life your life without regrets.

5. Read the masters and scholars of the past
Will Smith is a Hollywood star that many people admire for his staunch opposition to gangster rap that denigrates women and encourages violence and his lifetime pursuit of being a “nice guy”. A few years ago I saw a video of Will Smith speaking to thousands of kids at a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards ceremony. What he said really knocked my socks off.

The human race has an amazing history full of struggles and hardships. But out of those hardships have come some amazing thinkers. There have been men and women who, instead of picking up a sword or gun, have sat thinking. Their messages have been passed down the generations long after the wars were over. And now we are left with a gold mine of knowledge and wisdom. These people left a legacy that we should feel honored to be a part of and study. Like Will said, there are no new problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to take a look at what the great adepts of the past have thought and said about being emotionally healthy.

Let me give you a little introduction to a few great minds that have affected my life. A starting point for you.

• Buddha
• Milarepa
• Socrates
• Plato
• Aristotle
• Descartes
• Kant
• Hume

The Buddha was a revolutionary, possibly the first of his kind. He sat under a tree and developed theories that have served as the basis for most philosophical thinking. Start with the Buddha’s teachings and work your way forward through history. Study the European philosophers and the masters of meditation from India, China and Japan. Do this and you will be well on your way to emotional health.

6. Avoid man made food, eat naturally
For most of my youth I failed to recognize the link between food and depression. I, like most teenagers, ate a lot of fast food and drank a lot of sugary sodas. And I felt crap, all the time. If you want long term emotional health you need to be very careful about what you put in your body.

To prove this point to yourself I want you to go out and buy the most unhealthy lunch you can. McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC or some other deep fried animal should do the trick. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. Are you more irritable? Are you more depressed and tired? Are you quicker to anger? I bet you are. Now for dinner I want you to have a meal that contains nothing man made. That means no pasta, baked goods or anything produced in a factory. Make something full of colorful vegetables and natural products. Avoid meat if you can. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. How much more energetic, happy and alive do you feel?

The thing about food is that it can change your life. If you eat poorly you are more likely to get cancer, heart disease and diabetes. If you eat well you can live longer, avoid illness and look super sexy. So why do we always opt for the bad choice? Laziness? I’m not sure. Eating well is a big part of being emotionally healthy.

7. Enjoy the middle
Quite often the reason we get unhealthy emotionally is because we do things in excess. Instead of partying once a week we do it four times a week. Instead of eating junk food on the weekends we eat it on the weekdays. Instead of having one coffee per day we have seven. A key to being emotionally healthy is doing things in moderation. Quite often it isn’t that something is inherently bad for us, it is just that we do it too often.

8. Develop strength in your own personal set of values
Emotional health is not just avoid depression and learning to cope with stress. That is just a tiny fraction of what we are talking about. Emotional health is also become a less angry person, considering other human beings in a different way and improving yourself on a variety of levels. One of the ways you can improve your emotional health is to develop a set of values and stick to them.

photo credit: margolove

When I was in high school I remember hearing that “the measure of a man is by how quickly he gets angry“. I found this statement to be extremely inspiring and decided then and there that I was going to avoid anger at all costs. The more I looked into the statement the more I realized how much other people respected calm, strong and un-angry people. This was something I was going to follow through.

Over time life has thrown me many more of these lessons. Compassion, love, patience. All of these ideas I have tried to adopt into my own persona and stick to them no matter what. And it has been an amazing source of strength. Whenever I feel my emotional state slipping I remind myself of who I want to be and whip myself back on track.

Conclusion

Emotional health is all about working with your mind and your body to achieve some sort of personal mastery. It is a long process and along the way you will inevitably stagger, fault and make mistakes. But these mistakes all serve to make you stronger. If you want to stay emotionally healthy for your entire life you need to explore your mind, read philosophy, take care of your body and avoid extremes. If you can do even a few of these you will be far better equipped than the majority of the population.

So how emotionally healthy are you? Do you do most of these things already or do you have work to do? Most important, what have I missed?

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“In Tibet you would send a letter and not expect a reply for six months. Now if people send an email and don’t get a reply in 30 seconds they get angry.” – Tai Situ

How long can you go without checking your email? If you find a juicy bit of gossip do you have to Tweet it to everyone you know? Do you SMS more than you talk? Most of us do.And it is making us stressed, depressed and utterly bored with life.

In this post I want to talk about how I believe technology is causing us a lot of problems. In particular I hope the parents reading this will carefully consider the impact all this technology is having on their children.

What technology?

I am going to refer to “technology” a lot in this post so I thought I should clear up what I am talking about. Basically I am referring to media like Twitter, Facebook, iPhones and iPods, Blackberrys, etc. Technology that is providing entertainment. I am not referring to advances in medicine, international travel, etc.

The iPhone, the cafe and addiction

A few days ago I was sitting in a cafe waiting for a friend. I noticed that a lot of people were sitting alone and almost every one of them had an iPhone or Blackberry. Every new visitor to the cafe sat down and within 20 second was flipping away on the phone looking for apps, news or Twitter.

This, to me, is the epitome of the problem with technology – we cannot live without it. This media has become so addictive and we have come to rely on it so much, we wouldn’t know how to live without the constant stimulation. And therein lies the problem.

Technology and its links to stress, depression and boredom

photo credit: PaperThinSerge

We are constantly stimulated by technology. We are constantly in need of a “hit” and over time that need escalates, just like the need for a drug. We are addicted to technology and it is causing stress, depression and boredom. Here’s why:

Technology and stress
The reason I believe technology is causing us to be stresses is simple – we are speeding up too much. Our lives are lived in a constant rush and this is majorly caused by advancing technologies. Think about the news; 10 years ago if you wanted news you had to wait for the evening report or the paper in the morning. Now if you want news you go on Twitter to see if there is any Trending Topics or you jump on your mobile to see what the latest news app is saying. Its fast.

And while I can see the upsides to this (great access to information, etc.) I am also acutely aware that it is causing people problems. They cannot go for very long without an update. They feel like everything has to be done at a cracking pace. And they get stressed when they haven’t had a hit in a while.

Leo Babauta over at Zen Habits has a new eBook out which is all about living simply with minimal clutter. This is what he is talking about. All the technology and speed that we have in our lives is making us stressed and the sad thing is, we don’t need to be.

Technology and depression
The relationship between technology and depression is more subtle but I wanted to write about it because I have experienced it myself. I would love to hear some reader feedback about this one.

As my long time readers will know, I used to be a bit of a gamer. My brother and I would spend hours play Call of Duty, Counter Strike and even World of Warcraft. But after a while we both started noticing something – we were depressed. There was a really empty feeling that just wouldn’t go away. After a while we linked it to the games because we realized that we were so overstimulated and when the games were off we hit a low; kind of like a sugar hit that inevitably leads to a crash. But it was more long lasting and powerful.

And media and technology are like that. We are constantly Tweeting, Facebooking and listening to music that when it all stops at the end of the day we feel depressed. Our senses finally get a moment to relax and we feel terrible. We feel alone. I think that technology is making a lot of us depressed.

Technology and boredom
The last one is obvious as it is closely tied in with the other two. Technology is making us bored. Why? Because we need bigger and bigger hits. Listening to music is no longer exciting, we need a massive show or an LCD screen in our music player. The addition to stimulation is escalating.

I actually think this phenomena is quite dangerous as the younger generation now needs bigger hits to be entertained. The simple pleasures in life are no longer enough because they have experienced amazing things all the time from such a young age. I think it has a lot to do with why drugs and alcoholism are so prevalent. But I could be wrong.

Next time you have a break from work become aware of what you want to do. I am betting you shy away from relaxing and sitting back and grab for a phone, a TV or some Facebook action. Being still and alone is no longer enough for us.

Creating a need, not solving a problem

The interesting thing about this media and technology is that the new innovations do not solve a problem or need, they create one. In the old days marketing firms would sit down and think about some problems that people had and then try to create a technology to solve that problem. Not anymore! Now they create technologies and make us feel like we need it. In fact, I now think that these things create more problems than they solve.

What do you think?

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This article is not particularly insightful. Nor is it all that authoritative. I am not claiming to be the world’s best husband – far from it. But one thing I can attest to is that I am always trying to be better for my lady. I never forget that our relationship is something that needs to grow and change and be worked on.

In this post I am going to tell you all the most important things I know about being a good husband, boyfriend or life partner. Some of these I figured out myself, others I learned by trying to do the opposite of what my father did.

NOTE – This post is for the men out there. Ladies, perhaps you can read it too and if you like it email it to your man.

The role that always changes

The first thing that you need to know if you want to be a good husband is that things change. Your partner changes, you change, your life situation changes. And because these changes take place without warning you constantly need to evolve as a man and as a partner. If you aren’t willing to change who you are (or think you are) then you are going to run into trouble in your relationship.

That being said, being a good husband is not about bending to your wife’s every whim. Not at all. In fact, she wouldn’t like it if you did that. A good woman will always want you to be true to yourself and to do what makes you happy. But she will expect you to change when change is required, and rightly so.

The reason I wrote “become” instead of “be” in the title is because this is a role that is always changing. The job is never finished. The good husband, boyfriend or life partner will always see that there is work to be done on his relationship and his self. Please take this to heart.

How to become a better husband, boyfriend or life partner

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photo credit: elyse patten

I would like to share some tips with you now in the hope that they will impact your relationship in some positive way. Sadly I have not had that many great male role models in my life so my idea of what a husband should or should not do is something that is constantly changing. If anyone out there knows better than me or has some insight into what a husband really is I would love to read your comments.

1. Learn to listen, but not just to her words
One of the best things my life partner has taught me (indirectly) is that a man needs to listen to a woman on many levels, not just her speech. By the time she has to tell you to do something you have often already missed several hints that she has been giving you. If you want to be a good husband you need to learn what these hints are.

Take the dishes as a really simple example. My mother used to cook dinner ever single night for my father, my brother and me and every single night my father would “forget” to help with the dishes. Now my mother never asked him to help because she knew he was tired from work but she quietly would have loved him to offer his help as thanks for a lovely meal. After dinner she would always be grumpy. On the odd occasion that dad did help with the dishes she would be a different woman; happy engaging and gentle.

Being a good husband means listening, not just to her words, but to her more quiet signals. Every woman is different and communicates in different ways and as her best friend it is your job to figure them out.

2. Suggest and create excellent communication habits
After reading the first point you might be thinking, “why can’t she just tell me what she wants?” That is fine. If you have spent a lot of time talking to your wife and creating a relationship where she can openly ask you to do something without feeling like she is nagging then that is excellent. Wait for her to tell you. Mostly, however, your wife will say she shouldn’t HAVE to ask you, you should just do it. This is where communication comes in.

Becoming a good husband means creating excellent communication habits. Sometimes this is hard. Sometimes in the heat of anger you won’t want to communicate. But a good husband tries to. A good husband will find out why you have got to the point of getting angry and create a solution. Let’s look at an example, again borrowed from my father and mother.

Say you go out on Thursday night with your friends for a beer after work. Your wife is at home cooking dinner and as such it would be nice if you got home by 7.30pm to eat together. But it doesn’t always work out like that and sometimes you don’t get home until late. When you get home you wonder why she is grumpy and you ask her things like, “what’s wrong?” and “did you have a bad day?” which only makes things worse. At the end you give up, yell at her and go to bed.

No solution.

A better way to do things is to use your brain and find out what is eating at her. Does it happen every Thursday? Yes. Well then perhaps it has something to do with the beers after work. Okay, now we are getting somewhere. Next you should sit her down on a nice Sunday afternoon and ask her whether you had upset her by being late for dinner. If she says “yes” then apologize and then promise to communicate with her better the next time (i.e. phoning if you are going to be late). Also, gently suggest that she be more open with her feelings because you would never intentionally upset her.

Opening the communication and creating good communication habits will save your marriage. Be creative. Don’t say “what’s wrong woman” and expect her to tell you and then be cool with it. Take some responsibility and create a solution. If my father did this I imagine their relationship would have worked out a lot differently. This has a lot to do with how much he respected my mother.

3. Don’t lose your sense of individuality
This is not something that you ever get told by your parents but it is something that is so important I had to write about it. Don’t lose your sense of individuality. Don’t become one of those couples that merges into one. A marriage is not a melding of two people; it is two individuals coming together. If you lose that individuality you lose something special.

photo credit: Bryan Bruchman

Quite often I see people get together and then give up their hobbies, past times and interests because they are all absorbed in their partner. Within a few months or years the relationship is over (or in chaos) because they are bored with each other. They gave up their individuality.

There is a quote in Buddhism that says, “If you spend enough time with a person you will see only their faults. Even if you were with the Buddha himself you would find something not to like“. This happens in relationships when you give up your individuality and just live as if you were one person. Remember, when you first met each other you had other things going on (reading, sports, music, poetry, friends, etc.) and this is partly why you were attracted to each other. So why give them up?

Sometimes it is hard to keep your hobbies and past times going because work is so full on and you hardly get to see each other but you must try. You must make a concerted effort to spend time apart every week and do something for yourselves. You will be much happier as a couple if you do.

4. Never hit, swear at or yell at your wife
It might seem obvious to some people but other people seem to miss the memo. It is never okay to hit, swear at or yell at your wife. If you get to a point where you find that yelling is the only answer then you have made a mistake somewhere along the line and need to go back and fix it up.

Sometimes I go out with my mates and talk about our partners and wives. Inevitably one of them will bring up “fights with the missus” and talk about how sometimes you need to yell at your wife to assert your authority. My internal reaction to this is always “no you don’t”. She is not a dog that needs to be trained by showing your dominance. She is your life partner, your best friend and your lover. Hitting, swearing and yelling are forms of degradation and not fit for this person.

For all the men out there who think that yelling is necessary I understand where you are coming from. I know the place you are in, I have been there. But I would like to offer you a quote that has stood by me through thick and thin with my lady. This quote was offered to me by my yogi friend when we were discussing marriage back in India.

“The real measure of a man is by how quickly he gets angry.”

You will not show your dominance by yelling at your wife. All you will show her is that you have a weak will and a low level of patience. Then man she would really respect is the one that can stand up for himself without resorting to bullying. The real man is one who can keep his calm in battle, sport and love. Please think about this.

5. Show creative leadership
Now before you start sending me nasty emails, I do not not think that the male is the leader in the relationship. I am well aware that men and women are equals and have always thought this to be the case. One thing I have learned, however, is that your partner will love you all the more (and find you more attractive) when you can show creative leadership in the relationship. Let’s look at an example.

You have both had a big day, just arrived home and are pretty hungry for dinner. But there is nothing in the pantry. Quite often you will both sit around umming and ahhhing and thinking about what to have. Should we get take away or should be be good and cook? However, instead of sitting around and wondering, a creative leader would make an assertive decision and then get it done. No fuss. No mucking around. Just action.

Scientifically speaking women are programmed to like this behavior as it shows strength and survival skills. But more than that is takes away a layer of stress. If you can show some creative leadership when she isn’t feeling at her best she will really appreciate the input. It might be dishes, a conversation over dinner, the color of the new paint or a solution for a problem she is having. Once you start doing this for her you will notice how often she has been doing it for you!

6. Love her, but not just with words
A big theme in this post is that you must be a husband in more than just words. Words are empty if they are no backed up with meaning and action. The same is true of love. You could tell her that you love her 1000 times a day but it means absolutely zero if you then turn around and ignore her.

photo credit: Amanda M Hatfield

A good husband will find new ways to love his wife. He will listen to her stories, ask her about her day, value her input in the house and in your life and always make sure she feels that appreciation. Tell her how much you admire her actions and who she is becoming as a woman. But don’t do it if you do mean it; make sure the words have meaning. If you can find a way to connect the words with an action that shows you are serious she will love you forever.

7. Don’t beg for sex, create the moment
A real man will never have sex with his wife when she doesn’t want to. Unfortunately, sex is such a big part of a relationship if problems start to occur the relationship can get a bit rocky. One piece of advice that I can give you is that a good sexual partner creates the circumstances for enjoyable sex, he never asks or begs for it. If she isn’t into it then you need to be patient.

Conclusion

Being a good husband, boyfriend or life partner is something that is constantly evolving. You cannot just sit back, do nothing and hope for it all to work out for the best. Try to love her with more than just words, be creative and create some really clear communication habits. And never hit her. Ever.

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I’m 24 years old. I’m in the North Indian Himalayas. I’m sitting down for a private audience with one of Tibet’s most revered Buddhist teachers. After telling him how attached I am to my mother he looks at me straight in the eyes, smiles and gently says, “Well, you have to grow up now“. No seven words have ever hit me so hard.

This post is dedicated to all you people out there who are struggling with bitter sweet agony of growing up. I hope it gives you something to think about.

John Mayer and the train that can never stop

If you follow me on Twitter you will probably know that I am a fan of John Mayer. John is one of those rare artists that has an innate ability to put certain life situations into words. In fact, before I started listening to Mayer I would have argued that many of these emotions, desperate mental dramas and secret inner quandaries were unable to be described in ordinary language. They are simply too experiential to be categorized.

But John manages to. John reconnects me to those mental places with his lyrics. He does it time and time again. And although I am desperately trying to avoid these emotions (because they hurt), I find myself listening to Mayer again and again because it reminds me I am not unique. These emotions are, for the most part, universal to all humans. I have to thank John for that.

One John Mayer song that is not particularly critically acclaimed or even well liked amongst his fans is called Stop This Train. It is a song that, whenever I hear it, sends me back to that terrifying place of knowing that, really, we are alone growing up in this world. But, at the same time, it connects you with a feeling of hope because you aren’t the only one in that situation.

I ask everyone reading this post to watch an incredible solo performance of John singing this song here while taking a look at the lyrics here. Take five minutes out of your day to experience this song and everything it means to you because it gives this article a lot of context.

Crying, driving away in the dark

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There comes a point in everyone’s life when they realize there is no turning back. In the song Mayer uses the metaphor of driving away from his parents house, crying, in the dark. We have all had that moment. It might have been when you moved out or when you realized that you could beat your dad at table tennis. For a lot of people it manifests as an extremely empty and hollow realization.

The interesting thing is that some people are more equipped for this moment than others. Some people shut down and start to compensate for this lost youth in negative ways. Others embrace it and look forward to the future. Some people do both. But this moment is pivotal because it is the start of your adulthood. How you deal with this moment has a lot to do with whether you ever really grow up at all – and a lot of people don’t.

How to move forward and grow up

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I am not professing to have all the answers. I still struggle all the time with the idea that I am no longer at home with my mum eating her cooking and asking her for $10 to buy lunch with. I still struggle with the fact that she is going to die one day.

But since my conversation with that Buddhist Lama I have made some headway. I am stepping out on my own more and I am starting to enjoy it. Here are some tips on how to grow up well. Tips on how to drive away in the dark knowing that you are going to make it.

1. Accept it as soon as you can
Something you are going to need to do eventually is accept that there is no going back. You will have to accept this to grow up well. You can put it off or you can stand up tall and do it now. There is never any going back to the old days. The old days are like a dead person and you cannot revive a dead person no matter how much you long for them.

I encourage everyone who is struggling to grow up to accept fact that the past is gone and it is never coming back. Move forward. Its all you have.

2. Give up the memory reliving
If you are a healthy adult who has dealt with the growing up process well then there is nothing wrong with a little nostalgic reminiscing. But if you are buying sports cars, having affairs, trying to relive your youth or struggling with the depression of getting old then these memories can drive you mad. You need to give them up.

One of my worst traits is that I think to much. This inability to quiet my mind was one of the main reasons I was struggling to grow up. I would constantly play out the old days in my head, wishing, praying that I could go back to high school when things were simpler. But after I was gently told to “grow up” by my teacher I decided that it was time to leave these things behind and move on. And I have never been so happy.

The best way you can do this is by starting to become a little better at mediation. You don’t have to sit on a cushion and close your eyes but you do have to start becoming friends with your mind. Learn to watch your thoughts. Learn how they arise and subside without leaving any trace at all. When you do this they cease to control you.

3. Find out the cause
Often the pain associated with growing up can be linked to something else. Why are you feeling like this? Why are you missing the old days? If you can find another cause you might be able to get on top of those feelings.

For example, if you are really stressed because you think your wife is cheating on you then, undoubtedly, you are going to be longing for the old days where life was more simple. In this situation it isn’t the growing up that is causing the problem, it is some ancillary factor. Find out what is bringing these thoughts up and deal with it as soon as possible.

4. Don’t recreate
Trying to recreate the old days by going out with your mates all the time, skirting your responsibilities to your family, etc. is not going to solve the issue. A lot of people (men in particular) deal with the issue by not dealing with it. It is tempting here to grab you by your shirt collar and shake you while yelling, “Grow the F up man!” But of course that wouldn’t help.

We need to have a sense of honor in these situations by accepting the fact that we aren’t dealing with the problem very well. Trying to recreate the good ole days is not useful, nor will it make you feel better. As soon as you get in the cab to go home you will be back to that empty space. Recreating is living in the past and the past is a dead person. Remember?

5. Find good company
You are shaped in a big way by the people around you. If you are surrounded by 30 year old men who still wear their school jackets and go out drinking every night then you are going to go down with them. If, however, you hang out with people who are making progress, living and really trying to better themselves then you too will begin to move forward.

Finding good company is a massive part of growing up. It is a stark and bitter day when you realize that most of your buddies from high school are assholes and that you need new mates. You feel extremely alone. You have to find new people. But you will. And when you do you will be so much better off. Of course not everyone’s buddies from school are assholes. But a lot of the time they will hold you back because, as a group, you can just stay alive in the past.

6. Understand that things change
When the 16th Karmapa was on his death bed his students asked him to sum up his life’s experience and wisdom into one small teaching. After a brief pause he turned to them and simple said, “Things change”.

These two words are the quintessence of growing up. These two simple words summarize everything that you need to know about life. Things change and when you fail to grasp that truth you suffer. Nothing lasts and nothing stays the same. Embrace that chaos and find some peace by letting go.

Conslusion

So you have two options. You can fight to stop the train or you can go with it. As corny and cliche as it sounds, you really have to learn how to cope because there is no going back. Your youth is gone and all you have is now and, if you are lucky, the future. Have you grown up yet?

If you have any advice to give anyone or if you yourself have struggled with growing up please leave a comment and share your experience. It might really help someone.

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“No thing is as dear to someone as his or her own life, so no greater crime is there than taking life away. And no conditioned virtue brings greater merit than the act of saving beings and ransoming their lives.” – Chatral Rinpoche.

Many years ago in the Himalayas I met a Buddhist master who was a practitioner of tsethar; a Buddhist practice that involves saving the lives of animals. Buddhists assert that saving the lives of animals that are doomed to be killed increases ones lifespan, protects from certain illnesses and helps to remove obstacles in your life.

Over time I have come to appreciate this practice more and more and today I decided I would share it with you in the hope that some of you decide to take it up. It truly is one of the most beneficial things you will ever do with your time and money.

How does one perform this practice?

As far as practices go, this one is the easiest. You need no special training or implements, just a bit of cash and some spare time. The traditional way to carry out this type of activity is make sure you do three things:

• The beginning: generate a compassionate motivation
  The first thing you need to do is develop some sort of compassionate motivation. For example, if you know someone who is sick you might generate the motivation that you are doing this practice to help them get better and live a longer life. Or, you might do the practice with the idea that you simply want to free sentient beings from suffering and fear and be a protector for those who need protection.

  The traditional Buddhist motivation is called bodhicitta. Bodhicitta is the wish that all beings will one day be free from suffering and never separated from happiness. When you arouse the motivation of bodhicitta you are also developing the warrior-like mentality of bravery; you yourself are going to free sentient beings from suffering without any help from anyone else.

• The middle: Maintain a good attitude
  During the practice itself you should try to remember your motivation and not let too many self-centered thoughts enter your mind. This ensures that you really work with your mind and leave some positive imprints on your mental continuum. You should also try to concentrate single pointedly on what you are doing and not let your mind wander off too far.
• The end: make vast aspirations and dedications
  Buddhists assert that good actions need to be dedicated to positive causes. This ensures that the merit is not wasted. At the end of this practice you should sit down for a few minutes and make as many vast and compassionate aspirations as you can. For example, you might dedicate saving the lives of these animals to the long life of you and your family members, the removal of disease and suffering in our society and the culmination of world peace. Or you might dedicate it to someone specific who is suffering from cancer or some serious illness.

  The dedication is super important. The bigger the better. Many of my teachers have said that during the dedication one should be as assertive and free thinking as possible; it is no time to be humble.

If you follow these simple guidelines I am confident that your practice of releasing lives will be extremely beneficial for yourself and others. Spending the afternoon purchasing and releases animals is an extremely joyous occasion and lots of fun for everyone involves.

What types of animals should I use?

photo credit: Hendricks Photos

Short answer: it doesn’t matter. Any living creature that is about to be cooked or killed is suitable for this practice. Some animals that Buddhist monasteries use in this practice include:

• Fish from Chinese restaurants and fish markets
  If you go in to almost any Chinese restaurant or fish market you will see tens of big fish swimming in the tank ready to be killed and served on a dish. These are perfect animals to free. Some times there will be crabs, lobster and eels – all suitable for this practice.
• Crickets from pet stores
  Many pet stores now sell crickets that are bred to be fed to lizards and snakes. Often you can get 100 crickets for $5! That is a lot of positive karma.
• Chickens from battery farms and suppliers
  Although the chickens from battery farms are not killed for food, they do live horrible lives in tiny cages. I am certain that there is a lot of good done every time one of these birds is taken from its cell to a nice big backyard pen.

Obviously you don’t want to go and buy a pet puppy and let it go in the woods. That isn’t the point! The point is to free animals who are about to have their life taken as the karma is considered to be especially potent.

It is extremely important, however, to only release animals that are native to the local environment. A lot of harm can be done by foreign fish when released into local waters. Here in Australia we have lost hundreds of local species of fish because English Carp were introduced into our rivers a hundred years ago. Make sure you do your research before letting animals go. Make sure they are locals.

The benefits of saving lives

There are many Buddhist texts out there that speak of some incredible benefits relating to this practice. Some of main ones include extending your life and the lives of others, healing and in some cases curing serious diseases, removing obstacles that are holding you back in life and so on. The main benefit (from a Buddhist point of view) is that you will create the causes to attain enlightenment in the very near future.

The Dalai Lama and other masters on saving lives
His Holiness the Dalai Lama has spoken of this practice many times, especially in his autobiography Freedom in Exile. In it he tells the story of how he would spend all monastery’s money as a young boy by purchasing sheep that were about the be slaughtered for meat. Thousands of sheep were spared the knife. At the end of the story he recounts that later in his life he saw in his meditation that this practice actually increased his life and will be a cause for him to live a long time.

One Buddhist master, Chatral Rinpoche, has been particularly outspoken on the issue of saving the lives of animals. He believes it should be a regular activity for all Buddhists and anyone who cares about living creatures. Here is a short poem he composed about the issue. And here is another text by a master called DoDrupchen on the benefits of saving animals. Finally, here is a fantastic resource on how to be creative with this practice as instructed by the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa.

My own experiences
I have been doing this practice for a few years now and every time I do it I enjoy it more. It is quite special knowing that you have freed living creatures from certain death, and, to be honest, I don’t really care if my life is extended or not. Knowing that I have done something positive for some helpless creature is enough for me.

That being said, my friends and I have done this practice on a large scale at several important junctions in our life. When my best friend had stage four cancer a few years ago we released a lot of animals. Things turned out a lot better than we had expected. He is in remission now.

Conclusion

I really do believe in the power of this activity. I would be extremely happy if only a handful of our community here at The Daily Mind took up this practice and dedicated the merit towards the peace and well being of all living creatures. If you do free some animals please stop back and leave a comment and let us know how it went.

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