Okay so we know that waking up and doing things in the morning is the best way to achieve our goals in life. We can exercise, study, work, meditate, etc. much better than other times in the day. However, most of us feel pretty crap in the morning.

So what can we do about it? How can we wake up ready for work?

Update: You might want to check out this post that has advice from a Buddhist Yogi about waking up early.

Ways to wake up feeling fresh in the morning

Here are some things you can do in the short term and the long term so that you will wake up fresh and energetic in the morning. I’ve divided them up into three sections; (1) the night before and (2) during the night and (3) the morning.

The Night Before

1. Avoid coffee, red wine and chocolate the night before
To wake up fresh you need to get a good sleep and one of the best ways to ruin a good sleep is to upset your gut. You really need to keep it happy during the night.

Coffee, red wine and chocolate have been scientifically shown to disturb your sleep more than any other food. They upset your intestines in such a way that you will wake up constantly or have a very light sleep that doesn’t re charge you at all. Try not to have these things after lunch time.

2. Go to bed happy with your partner
One of the best ways to get a terrible sleep is to go to bed before you solve a problem with your partner. In my relationship I never let the sun set on an argument, even if I have to compromise a little bit on my own ego.

Before you go to bed make sure your partner is happy (as much as you can) and make sure that you are happy with them. It is also one of the best things you can do for your relationship, let alone your sleep.

3. Meditate, pray and calm down before going to bed
Every night before I go to bed I do about 30 minutes to an hour of meditation. This is amazing as it allows you to throw out all the days worries and forget about the worries of tomorrow. The future cannot be changed while you are asleep and the past is gone so there is no point losing sleep over it! Let it go.

Meditate or pray or do whatever you do. Simply sitting there and watching your breath is a great way to prepare yourself for a nice deep sleep. Check out this post if you want to learn to do a quick little stress relieving meditation.

4. Don’t eat dinner right before bed
A lot of people run home after work, cook up some dinner and then eat it and go to bed. This is a bad idea. The process of digestion takes a while and you do not want to be laying down right after you ate a big meal. Try and leave a few hours in between your bedtime and your dinner and see how you feel the next day.

5. Organize your room according to Feng Shui principles
I know a lot of you probably think that Feng Shui is a load of bull but just give me a second to convince you that it actually has some “western logic” behind it.

For those of you who don’t know Feng Shui is an ancient Chinese art of setting up your home in a way that balances the energies and vibes by putting furniture in certain “hot spots”.

The bedroom is particularly important and I have found that since I arranged my room according to Feng Shui principles I have had a much more “rested” sleep. In particular the placement of your bed is important. Feng Shui tells us that you should sleep where you can see the door but not be in he direct path of the door opening. This helps us sleep with a sense of security. I can see the practical reason for this. You can get some more bedroom Feng Shui tips here.

6. Go to the toilet
Even if you do not need to go to the toilet before bed you should still have a go and squeeze out whatever you can. The reason for this is that the kidneys will continue to work during the night and by the morning your bladder will be nice and full. If your bladder fills up early you might feel the need to go during the night and this cuts out valuable time from your sleep.

You might think that sleeping is about the total time spent asleep but this is incorrect. It is important to stay asleep without breaking it because it takes some hours to get into the “zone” where you are truly at rest. A toilet break interrupts this zone.

During the Night

7. Not too hot, not too cold
Another sleep related tip: your sleep is greatly affected by the how hot or cold you are during the night. It is important to get a good balance as this keep your energies calm and stops them from spiking.

Try and find a balance between clothes and bed covers. For example, I like to sleep without any clothes but with a heavy blanket. This keeps my temperature pretty consistent.

8. Keep the window open
One of the best things you can do for your health in general and your sleep in specific is to keep your window slightly open during the night. This has two benefits.

photo credit: volvidejapon

Firstly, the gap in the window will allow poisonous carbon dioxide to float away. The reason the human body breathes out is because carbon dioxide is poisonous. And during the night you take a heck of a lot of breaths and your room fills up with this gas. Let it out the window.

The second reason is that you need to allow new oxygen to float in. This might also help you regulate the temperature of the room.

9. Keep your sleep consistent
People think that you MUST have eight hours sleep to get enough.

Not true.

It is more important to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time everyday. Not everyone needs eight hours. In fact, if I get eight hours sleep I usually feel tired and groggy for the entire day. Six to seven hours is about right for me.

Start by setting your bedtime at the same time each night. Forget what is on the television and just go to bed at say 11pm each night. After a while start setting your alarm for the same time each day; even on weekends. If you don’t start waking up fresher and happier each morning I will write you a personal apology.

10. Cut out noise, it’s actually killing you!
I recently read in New Scientist Magazine that your life is actually being shortened by noise during the night. Yep, that’s right… that screaming police car or roaring traffic is actually killing you! The magazine said that the noise has an effect on your heart and waking up many times during the night puts your body under a lot of stress.

Try and keep your room quiet by wearing some earplugs. You can get earplugs that only cancel out certain sounds so that you can still hear your alarm or a baby monitor on your bedside table.

The Morning

11. Drink a glass of water
A cool glass of water on an empty stomach actually has a lot of health benefits as well as serving to wake you up. The water will kick start your metabolism and as such you will wake up faster and feel more alert.

12. Exercise
When you are groggy in the morning and nice run in the fresh air can wake you up fast. However, the interesting thing is that when you exercise in the morning you will actually have more energy the NEXT day. The more you exercise the more energy you will have as you become fitter and healthier.

If you need some tips to get up and exercise early check out this post on early morning exercise hacks.

13. Don’t drink coffee… everyday
Science is now showing that our body becomes accustomed to the caffeine in our coffee and we have less of a reaction to it. This means that your daily cup of coffee is waking you up less and less every day that you drink it.

A better idea is to save the morning coffee for when you are really tired and need a little bit of help. Perhaps if you had to stay out late or get up extra early and you have disturbed your regular sleeping habit. This is the time to have a cup of coffee.

14. Breathe deeply
The first thing you should do in the morning is take some deep breaths into your stomach and concentrate on waking up. Imagine breathing in a bright white light that makes your body feel happy and light.

15. Have something to be excited about
If you get up and go to a job you hate to work with a boss that drives you crazy you are not going to really enjoy waking up. However, if you have something you enjoy to go to you will be more likely to wake up happy knowing you have a bit of joy coming your way.

If you can’t leave your terrible boss then you should make time in the morning to do some sport or activity that makes you happy. Start your day with something happy and fun as opposed to starting it with work.

16. Get up straight away
When I was in the Himalayas a buddhist master told me that one of the best things you can do to wake up early and feel alert and fresh is to get up straight away. As soon as your alarm goes off you should get up without snoozing it over and over again.

He said to me half jokingly: “You have to get up before your self cherishing does”.

17. Be grateful for not dying
The Buddha said that every time you go to bed you should consider that you won’t wake up. That way, when you wake up you will be especially grateful for the day you have ahead of you. Instead of seeing the day as a burden that you have to “get through” you will see it as an opportunity to do something meaningful and beneficial.

Why? Because you could die tonight.

When applied correctly this realization will bring you tremendous energy.

Conclusion on waking up freshly

Each of these tips works. I have tried it on myself and my friends. And the great thing is that the more of these tips you apply the fresher you will feel when you wake up. Try them yourself.

Do you have any other to add? I’d love to hear them!

Top photo: photoeyeliam

**Top 10 Daily Mind post.**

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“Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one.” – Benjamin Franklin

The number one cause for marital arguments in today’s society is money. Financial stress puts a huge strain on the relationship and, in the current economic crisis, money problems can be doing more harm than ever before. But these temporary problems need not signal the end of your relationship. In fact, working together during a difficult time will often bring you closer together.

In this post I am going to talk about a few things you can try if you are worried about money and need to talk to your wife, husband or partner. While I am no relationship counselor I am fortunate enough to be in a relationship where openness, patience, honesty and discussion are held to be very important. Because of that we have developed some really helpful solutions over the years that I hope will help some of you out there.

A man never tells?

I was recently talking to a very good friend about money worries and I asked him whether he ever felt like he shouldn’t talk to his wife about money for fear of worrying her or appearing to not be “providing” very well. He quite promptly suggested to me that those ideas are only harmful to the relationship and that, 99% of the time, your wife wants to know whats going on and would prefer it if you discussed any issues with her instead of pretending everything is okay. The more I thought about our conversation the more I realized he was right. Your wife will know if you are stressed or upset about something and as such would prefer to know what is going on in your life. I am quite certain she would rather have the opportunity to help you work through it as opposed to knowing something is wrong but not being told any information.

The sad truth is that most men never tell. Most men are under the impression that they have to provide for the family and if they have any money troubles they aren’t doing their job as a husband or a father or a man. But this stigma can be quite harmful – I know many of the men in my life who live by these rules wind up struggling with intense anxiety and are often fighting with their partners as soon as money becomes an issue. They are too ashamed to talk.

I think if you want to have a healthy relationship when money starts to become a worry you need to set some of these labels aside and really be open to the idea of talking to your partner, asking for help or at least being strong enough to admit there might be a problem.

How to talk to your husband, wife or partner about money

photo credit: Arthur Chapman

If you have anything to add to the points below please leave a comment as it might be really helpful to someone reading this post. Likewise, if you have an experience (good or bad) that you think might help a reader please let us know.

1. Understand that they want to help
One of the things that my friend helped me realize was that my partner would want to help. This was a very important moment for me as it freed me up a lot inside. At first I thought that I would be stressing her or placing my burden on her if I talked about money but now I was learning that she probably wanted to be a part of the solution. Try and understand that your husband or wife loves you very much and they would want to be there for you if things were getting tough.

2. Work together like a company
Having worked in business for many years I know a few little things about making money. And one of the things I know is that if a company doesn’t work together things don’t go so well. Imagine if the finance department didn’t communicate with marketing or sales – no one would know how much money they could spend or needed to make to turn a profit. It would be a very bad situation. The same is true for a relationship; you both need to understand the money situation and know how to communicate all aspects of your personal finances. Both husband and wife need to know how much is coming in and how much is going out on bills, expenses, etc.

3. Don’t judge
I remember growing up and witnessing the most intense financial arguments between my father and mother. They would go on for hours and, at the end, they wouldn’t have resolved anything. One of the things both parties used to do was be very judgmental about any spending’s that had happened over the month. Dad would be angry about Mom buying something for the house and Mom would be angry about Dad eating expensive lunches. But one thing I noticed over the years was that every time they got “told off” by the other one they hid more and more purchases. The were afraid of being judged so they would often buy things and then hide them and tell the kids, “Don’t tell your mother“.

If you want to keep the relationship open and honest it is important to be as judgment-free as possible. Don’t get angry if your husband buys something that you don’t think he needs. The same goes for your wife. Instead of getting upset try using the technique below.

4. Be gentle
One thing I have been learning lately is how we must try to be gentle and kind to other people and not use harsh words. I found a wonderful text by a great Buddhist master from Tibet called 30 Pieces of Advice from the Heart. The master’s name is Longchenpa and in that text he said something that I thought might be nice to share at this point:

“In these decadent times one may reproach the crude people around one.
Although one thinks it will be useful to them,
it is just the source of poisonous thoughts.
To utter peaceful words is my advice from the heart.

Without any selfish consideration, one may,
with affection, tell people their defects, only thinking of their own good.
But although what one says is true this will ulcerate their hearts.
To say gentle words is my advice from the heart.”

When talking to your loved one about sensitive issues I have found it is very helpful to be as gentle and diplomatic as possible. After all, you aren’t trying to make them feel bad or point out their mistakes, you are trying to find a solution to the problem. And I think those solutions very rarely come from harsh speech.

5. Make a list of discussion points aimed at a solution
I once read a quote by an anonymous CEO that said, “Don’t bring up a problem unless you have a solution for it“. He was, of course, talking about going to see your boss about issues in the workplace but I think it fits quite well into our topic. If you want to have a healthy discussion about your money troubles try making a list of points to talk about and make sure that list is aimed at a solution.

The reason we found this to be helpful is because it gives the conversation some direction. Instead of sitting around and getting stressed about all the things that were going wrong we instead talked about what we need to do in the short, medium and long term to fix it. This seemed to diffuse a lot of the tension as well, shifting the focus from the negative to the positive.

Conclusion

Financial stress can really eat away at you on the inside so try to remember that you have a partner who would love to help you sort through the problems. If you are open, honest, gentle and have a plan of attack there is no reason why money worries should take a toll on your relationship. In fact, working together through rough patches might just help to make your relationship stronger and more supportive.

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“Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.” – Trotsky

It is said that although death is certain, the time of death is most uncertain. Wise people have been trying to teach us this for thousands of years. Long life is considered by many to be the most precious gift that one can be given for it is rare and valuable; an unlikely chance to experience more, contribute to society and redeem our faults.

And although we will never be able to permanently cheat death, modern science is now showing us dozens of ways to add years to our life. In this post I want to show you some interesting things I have found about how to add at least ten years to your life, broken down into a list of do’s and don’ts.

Why live longer?

While researching this post I have come across and interesting perspective – why would I want to live a long life? Why would I want to grow old and lose my mobility, friends and perhaps sanity? Wouldn’t it be better to pass away younger whilst still relatively healthy and independent?

From one point of view I guess this attitude is right. I can understand why people would be afraid of living to an old age if old age meant only a degradation in the quality of their own life. But, from another perspective I think old age is quite a wonderful thing. Time is so limited and fleeting, any extra amount I am given to accomplish my goals would be most welcome.

A different focus
The key thing here, I think, is that your focus must be on charity, contribution, service, others. If you are just trying to live a long life because you are afraid of death or because you don’t want to leave your nice house then the whole idea seems silly. But if you want to live a long life in order to help others, then you are on a very different track.

The list of people who continued to help others right into their twilight years is long and includes wonderful names like:

• Shakyamuni Buddha (81 years)
• Mother Teresa (87 years)
• Gandhi (78 years)
• Benjamin Franklin (84 years)

Adding ten years to your life would be a wonderful achievement if it meant you could spend more time working to benefit others, helping your family and friends and contributing to your community and society. Unfortunately, however, there is no way we can add so many years to our life that death is averted. We must always try to remember that.

How to add 10 years to your life – the do’s and don’ts

photo credit: Ka-ho Pang

I have done my best to include as much “further reading” materials in the following tips so that you can go on and read more about the subject, the studies, etc. If I have missed any or you have any further information please leave a comment. It might really help someone.

DO – Meditate
Modern science is now beginning to study the effects of meditation on longevity with some very promising results. In India I had often heard stories of monks and nuns who lived to an extremely old age and I often wondered whether this had something to do with their dedicated meditation practice. Dr. Robert Keith Wallace is a pioneer in this field and published a study in the Journal of Neuroscience which showed that those who practiced meditation for just a five year period had a biological age somewhat 12 years less than their chronological age.

So why does meditation increase your lifespan? Lots of reasons. The main three, however, relate to its ability to deal with stress, longevity and immunity hormones. Dr. Vincent Giampapa has done studies that show how massively these hormones are affected by some simple meditation practice.

Many of these studies have shown that you just need to take a few minutes each day to sit down, relax and focus on your breathing. Calm your mind down and focus on the breath coming in and out of your nose and there is a good chance you will avoid certain illnesses. Scientific proof that the mind can affect the body in a big way.

DON’T – Stress
More than ever before we have concrete evidence that stress can kill you. Sure, it won’t kill you right away but it will lead to things like heart disease and perhaps even cancer. Robert Sapolsky has spent more than 30 years studying the effects of stress. In an interview with Stanford Report he mentions that stress is designed to keep us alive by helping us run away from predators or fight off enemies, and it does this extremely well by releasing certain hormones. But nowadays those same hormones are being released when we worry about money or our next bill. And overtime this has devastating effects on the body.

Stress is also dangerous because it can lead to other life-shortening practices like smoking or binge drinking. When you feel stressed at work you often come home to a junk food meal and some beer to make you feel better. And this makes you sick.

If you want to add 10 years to your life you need to learn how to deal with stress. It is important to realize that you will never be able to eliminate all the causes of stress in your life; the bills will keep coming. The goal is to develop some techniques to deal with those life events.

DO – Drink Green Tea
Green tea has been drunk in China and other regions of Asia for thousands of years. It has formed an integral part of their medical system and has long been known as a substance that can have very positive effects on the body. And now western medical science is backing up those claims with various studies that point to the health benefits of green tea. The study in the previous link surveyed 40,000 people over a ten year period and found that drinking green tea made you less likely to die of cardiovascular disease. And considering that heart disease is the leading cause of death in the western world, it might mean that green tea can significantly increase your life span.

photo credit: code_martial

When drinking green tea it is important to buy it from an ethical producer who is located in a non-polluted region. There is some evidence that suggests that toxins in the air and soil can be absorbed into the tea plant and passed along to your body. It is also very important to drink tea without any milk as a protein in the milk can damage some of the beneficial enzymes in the tea. Tea also has the dual effect of calming you down which can definitely reduce your stress levels.

DON’T – Stay up late
I have written about sleep a lot of times on this blog; how to wake up fresh, how to get to sleep, why staying up late is bad for you, etc. I have always felt the effects of a bad night’s sleep on my own body and mind but the more I look in to the matter, the more I realize that science is discovering the same thing. Late nights and erratic sleep are now understood to be contributing causes to conditions like obesity, diabetes, heart disease and cancer.

The interesting thing about sleep is that no one knows why we do it. But we know that we need it. Since the beginning of our species the body has forced us into shutting down each night for around six to 12 hours. And now that we have the internet, busy careers and, of course, the TV, we are all getting a lot less sleep. And this is worrying a lot of experts.

If you want to live an extra ten years it is important that you have good sleep habits. Try to make sure you go to bed and wake up at the same time each evening and morning, don’t drink things like red wine and coffee before bed which cause you to have poor sleep, and make sure you are getting enough hours. The ironic thing about all of this, however, is that you will probably spend an extra ten years asleep!

DO – Exercise every day
This is nothing new. Exercise has long been known to have benefits like weight loss, increased cardiovascular health and an increased level of emotional well being. But what is just coming out now is how much exercise you need to achieve these benefits. And it is bad news for sweat haters. You need exercise every day. One recent study went so far as to say that you will not lose weight in the long term unless you exercise an hour every single day. That is a lot.

photo credit: David Clow – Maryland

The good news is that there are so many different types of exercise you will never feel bored. Exercise doesn’t have to be running or lifting weights. It could be yoga, pilates, dance classes, tai chi or kick boxing. It is important to choose a variety of different disciplines so that you do not get sick of one thing and give up on exercise altogether. One way you can do this is find a buddy that will share your passion and dedication. Go to classes together, wake each other up at 6:30am to go for a run, have fun together. This is an easy way to add years to your life.

DON’T – Eat Meat
This is likely to be a very controversial heading as the western world is so obsessed with eating meat. We have commercials on television telling us to eat more red meat for its iron and vitamins and we have Government sponsored cookbooks telling us that lots of meat is healthy. But, as happened in Australia a few years ago, it turned out that the cookbooks were paid for by the meat industry. Often times the advice telling us to eat meat has an ulterior motive.

There are now lots of studies that show that vegetarianism is linked with a longer life. In fact, this one tells us that if you eat a vegetarian diet for over 20 years you are likely to add four whole years to your life. It is interesting to note, however, that the scientists don’t really know why a low meat diet increases our lifespan. Is it because fruit and vegetables are so healthy, because meat is unhealthy or because being a vegetarian might also indicate other lifestyle choices? They just don’t know.

Eating less meat is a way to live longer but it is also a good idea for other reason. Two of the big ones include ethics and environmental protection. The meat industry is extremely cruel to animals at every stage of their life. The living conditions are often torturous and the culling and transport stages (especially if live export) are unacceptable. In a day an age where we have scientific and documentary evidence that animals feel pain, emotions and desire happiness, it is entirely baffling that we continue to treat them with such cruelty when using them for food.

I have been trying for a long time to be vegetarian and keep failing miserably so I definitely don’t deserve this soap box. But I have got my meat eating down to around once or twice a week with a view to, one day, have totally kicked the habit. If you love a good steak or a cheeseburger perhaps try limiting it to weekends and see how you go?

Conclusion

These few simple do’s and don’ts are enough to add ten years on to your life if you do them consistently and with dedication. But it doesn’t need to stop there – you can stop smoking and, just by that fact, you will increase your life expectancy. Remember, living a long time is something we should aim for but not expect. It is important to use what little time we have on this planet to help others and bring about positive changes in lives of those around you. Otherwise you might spend 90 years not doing much at all.

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“A clear understanding of negative emotions dismisses them.” – Vernon Howard

Stress, depression, panic attacks and anxiety. The modern world is overflowing with emotional problems of all different kinds. And chances are you or someone you know has suffered from some form of emotionally unhealthy state. So how can we avoid these problems? Are there things we can do to prevent them coming about?

In this post I am going to present the lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy. I hope it helps someone out there.

What is emotional health?

Before I present any ideas about emotional health I need to define it. Without a solid idea we really won’t know what were talking about and we will get lost.

Emotional health is not a single state of mind like “pleasure” or “joy” but an ongoing process. Emotional health is a conversation, a journey and above all it is work. It will change and you will go up and down. Even the most emotionally healthy person will have bad days. But those bad days are all part of the process, and they’re aware of it.

Emotional health is all about gathering new tools and methods to constantly better your mind. It is flux.

To be emotionally healthy you need to spend a lot of time being open and learning. As soon as you close your mind to new ideas or information you cut yourself off from the possibility of being healthy. This post could perhaps serve as a starting point. It is by no means the end point. Read, research, study and practice. And never give up, because emotional health is an ongoing process.

Why is emotional health so important?

photo credit: RSNY

I have always found it extremely interesting that today’s society will place a massive emphasis on physical well being but almost nothing is done about the mental state. Unless you are suffering from serious depression or some other mental illness, you don’t hear anything about “working on your mind” or “developing emotional health”. And this is quite troubling.

Imagine how happy we could be if we spent as much time working with our emotions as we did running on the treadmill or cooking a healthy dinner. Imagine how different the world would be if there was less anger and more compassion. I think it would be a very different place.

What I am going to show you in this post, however, is that you don’t need to necessarily sit on a cushion or take separate time out to become emotionally healthy. In fact, going to the gym and cooking a nice meal is a big part of emotional health. Stick around and see if you learn something new and, as always, leave a comment if I have forgotten anything.

The lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy

photo credit: fairlybuoyant

Now for the main bulk of the post. Here I am going to present some ideas that you can use work with your emotions in order to become more emotionally healthy. Remember, this is a long term project that you will have to stick at for the rest of your life. You will, however, start to see results right away.

1. Understand you are in control of your emotions
The very first step you need to take on this journey is to realize that you are in control of your emotions. This fact is lost on the modern world; many of us become slaves to anger and depression and stress. But when you turn that around and start to understand that you are the boss of what goes on in your head, you are suddenly left with a very workable situation. Without this understanding, however, no progress can be made.

2. Become familiar with your mind through meditation
Once you have conviction that you are in control of your emotions, you need to become familiar with them through meditation. Now, meditation does not mean sitting on a cushion saying “OOMMM” over and over. Sure it can be that, but it is not only that. The way to meditate is to constantly bring your attention to your thoughts and just let your mind relax in that.

The Tibetan word for meditation is “gom” which means “to familiarize”. This gives us a great insight into what meditation is supposed to be. It is not about relaxing so much as it is about familiarizing ourselves with positive states of mind. Compassion, love, patience, silence. And the very interesting thing about meditation is that these states of mind arise naturally when you just start to look at your mind.

How does this work? Simple. According to Buddhism the nature of every being is compassionate. We are not inherently evil and we are not naturally sinners. Naturally we are compassionate but we have lost connection with that innate part of our being. But looking at the mind re-connects us with that state because we all of a sudden get in control of our minds. And when we get in control of our minds the first thing we feel is sadness for all those people out there who are still struggling. It is an intensely powerful moment in your life.

If you want to learn more about meditation you can check back on some of my other articles:

• Loneliness vs aloneness: lessons from a solitary mountain retreat
• A look into the psychology of meditation

One of the best things you can do for yourself if you want to become happy and proficient in controlling your mind is learn from someone who has already done it. There are so many wonderful meditation teachers in our world, I encourage you to connect with one. And that leads us to our next point.

3. Connect with good people and avoid bad company
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about avoiding bad company which ruffled up some feathers. A got a few emails that day saying that I was a disloyal friend and that you should stick by your mates even if they are bad for you. Okay, fine. I agree. You should stick by your bad mates if you are able to do so without them being a negative influence on you. But when you see yourself in a downward spiral it is time to leave them alone.

Surrounding yourself with good company is one of the most important life lessons a person can learn. Once a dear friend of mine told me that you will become the average of your five closest friends so make sure you choose wisely. I did. I chose people who were happy, successful and who worked for the betterment of others. I very rarely spend time with people who are selfish, hateful and bigoted. The Buddha once said:

“Put a rose in a sack of fish and soon the rose starts to stink too.”

Now there is no problem visiting people with the motivation of helping them or cheering them up. That is a wonderful thing to do. But if you are best friends with a drug addict racist who starts to rub off on you then you are in for problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to surround yourself with people who are living a life you wish to emulate. Let them rub off on you.

4. Practice ethical behavior to avoid depression, anxiety and fear
Once you have become familiar with your mind and have made a commitment to stay emotionally healthy it is important to live an ethical life. Without a solid basis of ethical behavior there is no chance for long term happiness. So why are ethics so important? Let’s take a look.

photo credit: Daniel Greene

The first thing you will notice about an unethical or mean person is that they have very few true friends. They may have followers or people around them who latch on out of fear, but they have no trusted confidants. And that is a very lonely place to be. In fact, it is a situation that will eventually drive you crazy.

It is also important to realize that negative acts come back to you. If you spend your life stealing or cheating on your girlfriends the chances are your reputation will come back to haunt you. And I am not just talking about other people being mad at you. Soon you will begin to feel guilty. Imagine living your whole life hurting others and to be in the last stages of your life and feel intense regret. It would be an emotion so crippling that you would struggle to cope. Life your life without regrets.

5. Read the masters and scholars of the past
Will Smith is a Hollywood star that many people admire for his staunch opposition to gangster rap that denigrates women and encourages violence and his lifetime pursuit of being a “nice guy”. A few years ago I saw a video of Will Smith speaking to thousands of kids at a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards ceremony. What he said really knocked my socks off.

The human race has an amazing history full of struggles and hardships. But out of those hardships have come some amazing thinkers. There have been men and women who, instead of picking up a sword or gun, have sat thinking. Their messages have been passed down the generations long after the wars were over. And now we are left with a gold mine of knowledge and wisdom. These people left a legacy that we should feel honored to be a part of and study. Like Will said, there are no new problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to take a look at what the great adepts of the past have thought and said about being emotionally healthy.

Let me give you a little introduction to a few great minds that have affected my life. A starting point for you.

• Buddha
• Milarepa
• Socrates
• Plato
• Aristotle
• Descartes
• Kant
• Hume

The Buddha was a revolutionary, possibly the first of his kind. He sat under a tree and developed theories that have served as the basis for most philosophical thinking. Start with the Buddha’s teachings and work your way forward through history. Study the European philosophers and the masters of meditation from India, China and Japan. Do this and you will be well on your way to emotional health.

6. Avoid man made food, eat naturally
For most of my youth I failed to recognize the link between food and depression. I, like most teenagers, ate a lot of fast food and drank a lot of sugary sodas. And I felt crap, all the time. If you want long term emotional health you need to be very careful about what you put in your body.

To prove this point to yourself I want you to go out and buy the most unhealthy lunch you can. McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC or some other deep fried animal should do the trick. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. Are you more irritable? Are you more depressed and tired? Are you quicker to anger? I bet you are. Now for dinner I want you to have a meal that contains nothing man made. That means no pasta, baked goods or anything produced in a factory. Make something full of colorful vegetables and natural products. Avoid meat if you can. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. How much more energetic, happy and alive do you feel?

The thing about food is that it can change your life. If you eat poorly you are more likely to get cancer, heart disease and diabetes. If you eat well you can live longer, avoid illness and look super sexy. So why do we always opt for the bad choice? Laziness? I’m not sure. Eating well is a big part of being emotionally healthy.

7. Enjoy the middle
Quite often the reason we get unhealthy emotionally is because we do things in excess. Instead of partying once a week we do it four times a week. Instead of eating junk food on the weekends we eat it on the weekdays. Instead of having one coffee per day we have seven. A key to being emotionally healthy is doing things in moderation. Quite often it isn’t that something is inherently bad for us, it is just that we do it too often.

8. Develop strength in your own personal set of values
Emotional health is not just avoid depression and learning to cope with stress. That is just a tiny fraction of what we are talking about. Emotional health is also become a less angry person, considering other human beings in a different way and improving yourself on a variety of levels. One of the ways you can improve your emotional health is to develop a set of values and stick to them.

photo credit: margolove

When I was in high school I remember hearing that “the measure of a man is by how quickly he gets angry“. I found this statement to be extremely inspiring and decided then and there that I was going to avoid anger at all costs. The more I looked into the statement the more I realized how much other people respected calm, strong and un-angry people. This was something I was going to follow through.

Over time life has thrown me many more of these lessons. Compassion, love, patience. All of these ideas I have tried to adopt into my own persona and stick to them no matter what. And it has been an amazing source of strength. Whenever I feel my emotional state slipping I remind myself of who I want to be and whip myself back on track.

Conclusion

Emotional health is all about working with your mind and your body to achieve some sort of personal mastery. It is a long process and along the way you will inevitably stagger, fault and make mistakes. But these mistakes all serve to make you stronger. If you want to stay emotionally healthy for your entire life you need to explore your mind, read philosophy, take care of your body and avoid extremes. If you can do even a few of these you will be far better equipped than the majority of the population.

So how emotionally healthy are you? Do you do most of these things already or do you have work to do? Most important, what have I missed?

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This article is not particularly insightful. Nor is it all that authoritative. I am not claiming to be the world’s best husband – far from it. But one thing I can attest to is that I am always trying to be better for my lady. I never forget that our relationship is something that needs to grow and change and be worked on.

In this post I am going to tell you all the most important things I know about being a good husband, boyfriend or life partner. Some of these I figured out myself, others I learned by trying to do the opposite of what my father did.

NOTE – This post is for the men out there. Ladies, perhaps you can read it too and if you like it email it to your man.

The role that always changes

The first thing that you need to know if you want to be a good husband is that things change. Your partner changes, you change, your life situation changes. And because these changes take place without warning you constantly need to evolve as a man and as a partner. If you aren’t willing to change who you are (or think you are) then you are going to run into trouble in your relationship.

That being said, being a good husband is not about bending to your wife’s every whim. Not at all. In fact, she wouldn’t like it if you did that. A good woman will always want you to be true to yourself and to do what makes you happy. But she will expect you to change when change is required, and rightly so.

The reason I wrote “become” instead of “be” in the title is because this is a role that is always changing. The job is never finished. The good husband, boyfriend or life partner will always see that there is work to be done on his relationship and his self. Please take this to heart.

How to become a better husband, boyfriend or life partner

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photo credit: elyse patten

I would like to share some tips with you now in the hope that they will impact your relationship in some positive way. Sadly I have not had that many great male role models in my life so my idea of what a husband should or should not do is something that is constantly changing. If anyone out there knows better than me or has some insight into what a husband really is I would love to read your comments.

1. Learn to listen, but not just to her words
One of the best things my life partner has taught me (indirectly) is that a man needs to listen to a woman on many levels, not just her speech. By the time she has to tell you to do something you have often already missed several hints that she has been giving you. If you want to be a good husband you need to learn what these hints are.

Take the dishes as a really simple example. My mother used to cook dinner ever single night for my father, my brother and me and every single night my father would “forget” to help with the dishes. Now my mother never asked him to help because she knew he was tired from work but she quietly would have loved him to offer his help as thanks for a lovely meal. After dinner she would always be grumpy. On the odd occasion that dad did help with the dishes she would be a different woman; happy engaging and gentle.

Being a good husband means listening, not just to her words, but to her more quiet signals. Every woman is different and communicates in different ways and as her best friend it is your job to figure them out.

2. Suggest and create excellent communication habits
After reading the first point you might be thinking, “why can’t she just tell me what she wants?” That is fine. If you have spent a lot of time talking to your wife and creating a relationship where she can openly ask you to do something without feeling like she is nagging then that is excellent. Wait for her to tell you. Mostly, however, your wife will say she shouldn’t HAVE to ask you, you should just do it. This is where communication comes in.

Becoming a good husband means creating excellent communication habits. Sometimes this is hard. Sometimes in the heat of anger you won’t want to communicate. But a good husband tries to. A good husband will find out why you have got to the point of getting angry and create a solution. Let’s look at an example, again borrowed from my father and mother.

Say you go out on Thursday night with your friends for a beer after work. Your wife is at home cooking dinner and as such it would be nice if you got home by 7.30pm to eat together. But it doesn’t always work out like that and sometimes you don’t get home until late. When you get home you wonder why she is grumpy and you ask her things like, “what’s wrong?” and “did you have a bad day?” which only makes things worse. At the end you give up, yell at her and go to bed.

No solution.

A better way to do things is to use your brain and find out what is eating at her. Does it happen every Thursday? Yes. Well then perhaps it has something to do with the beers after work. Okay, now we are getting somewhere. Next you should sit her down on a nice Sunday afternoon and ask her whether you had upset her by being late for dinner. If she says “yes” then apologize and then promise to communicate with her better the next time (i.e. phoning if you are going to be late). Also, gently suggest that she be more open with her feelings because you would never intentionally upset her.

Opening the communication and creating good communication habits will save your marriage. Be creative. Don’t say “what’s wrong woman” and expect her to tell you and then be cool with it. Take some responsibility and create a solution. If my father did this I imagine their relationship would have worked out a lot differently. This has a lot to do with how much he respected my mother.

3. Don’t lose your sense of individuality
This is not something that you ever get told by your parents but it is something that is so important I had to write about it. Don’t lose your sense of individuality. Don’t become one of those couples that merges into one. A marriage is not a melding of two people; it is two individuals coming together. If you lose that individuality you lose something special.

photo credit: Bryan Bruchman

Quite often I see people get together and then give up their hobbies, past times and interests because they are all absorbed in their partner. Within a few months or years the relationship is over (or in chaos) because they are bored with each other. They gave up their individuality.

There is a quote in Buddhism that says, “If you spend enough time with a person you will see only their faults. Even if you were with the Buddha himself you would find something not to like“. This happens in relationships when you give up your individuality and just live as if you were one person. Remember, when you first met each other you had other things going on (reading, sports, music, poetry, friends, etc.) and this is partly why you were attracted to each other. So why give them up?

Sometimes it is hard to keep your hobbies and past times going because work is so full on and you hardly get to see each other but you must try. You must make a concerted effort to spend time apart every week and do something for yourselves. You will be much happier as a couple if you do.

4. Never hit, swear at or yell at your wife
It might seem obvious to some people but other people seem to miss the memo. It is never okay to hit, swear at or yell at your wife. If you get to a point where you find that yelling is the only answer then you have made a mistake somewhere along the line and need to go back and fix it up.

Sometimes I go out with my mates and talk about our partners and wives. Inevitably one of them will bring up “fights with the missus” and talk about how sometimes you need to yell at your wife to assert your authority. My internal reaction to this is always “no you don’t”. She is not a dog that needs to be trained by showing your dominance. She is your life partner, your best friend and your lover. Hitting, swearing and yelling are forms of degradation and not fit for this person.

For all the men out there who think that yelling is necessary I understand where you are coming from. I know the place you are in, I have been there. But I would like to offer you a quote that has stood by me through thick and thin with my lady. This quote was offered to me by my yogi friend when we were discussing marriage back in India.

“The real measure of a man is by how quickly he gets angry.”

You will not show your dominance by yelling at your wife. All you will show her is that you have a weak will and a low level of patience. Then man she would really respect is the one that can stand up for himself without resorting to bullying. The real man is one who can keep his calm in battle, sport and love. Please think about this.

5. Show creative leadership
Now before you start sending me nasty emails, I do not not think that the male is the leader in the relationship. I am well aware that men and women are equals and have always thought this to be the case. One thing I have learned, however, is that your partner will love you all the more (and find you more attractive) when you can show creative leadership in the relationship. Let’s look at an example.

You have both had a big day, just arrived home and are pretty hungry for dinner. But there is nothing in the pantry. Quite often you will both sit around umming and ahhhing and thinking about what to have. Should we get take away or should be be good and cook? However, instead of sitting around and wondering, a creative leader would make an assertive decision and then get it done. No fuss. No mucking around. Just action.

Scientifically speaking women are programmed to like this behavior as it shows strength and survival skills. But more than that is takes away a layer of stress. If you can show some creative leadership when she isn’t feeling at her best she will really appreciate the input. It might be dishes, a conversation over dinner, the color of the new paint or a solution for a problem she is having. Once you start doing this for her you will notice how often she has been doing it for you!

6. Love her, but not just with words
A big theme in this post is that you must be a husband in more than just words. Words are empty if they are no backed up with meaning and action. The same is true of love. You could tell her that you love her 1000 times a day but it means absolutely zero if you then turn around and ignore her.

photo credit: Amanda M Hatfield

A good husband will find new ways to love his wife. He will listen to her stories, ask her about her day, value her input in the house and in your life and always make sure she feels that appreciation. Tell her how much you admire her actions and who she is becoming as a woman. But don’t do it if you do mean it; make sure the words have meaning. If you can find a way to connect the words with an action that shows you are serious she will love you forever.

7. Don’t beg for sex, create the moment
A real man will never have sex with his wife when she doesn’t want to. Unfortunately, sex is such a big part of a relationship if problems start to occur the relationship can get a bit rocky. One piece of advice that I can give you is that a good sexual partner creates the circumstances for enjoyable sex, he never asks or begs for it. If she isn’t into it then you need to be patient.

Conclusion

Being a good husband, boyfriend or life partner is something that is constantly evolving. You cannot just sit back, do nothing and hope for it all to work out for the best. Try to love her with more than just words, be creative and create some really clear communication habits. And never hit her. Ever.

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I’m 24 years old. I’m in the North Indian Himalayas. I’m sitting down for a private audience with one of Tibet’s most revered Buddhist teachers. After telling him how attached I am to my mother he looks at me straight in the eyes, smiles and gently says, “Well, you have to grow up now“. No seven words have ever hit me so hard.

This post is dedicated to all you people out there who are struggling with bitter sweet agony of growing up. I hope it gives you something to think about.

John Mayer and the train that can never stop

If you follow me on Twitter you will probably know that I am a fan of John Mayer. John is one of those rare artists that has an innate ability to put certain life situations into words. In fact, before I started listening to Mayer I would have argued that many of these emotions, desperate mental dramas and secret inner quandaries were unable to be described in ordinary language. They are simply too experiential to be categorized.

But John manages to. John reconnects me to those mental places with his lyrics. He does it time and time again. And although I am desperately trying to avoid these emotions (because they hurt), I find myself listening to Mayer again and again because it reminds me I am not unique. These emotions are, for the most part, universal to all humans. I have to thank John for that.

One John Mayer song that is not particularly critically acclaimed or even well liked amongst his fans is called Stop This Train. It is a song that, whenever I hear it, sends me back to that terrifying place of knowing that, really, we are alone growing up in this world. But, at the same time, it connects you with a feeling of hope because you aren’t the only one in that situation.

I ask everyone reading this post to watch an incredible solo performance of John singing this song here while taking a look at the lyrics here. Take five minutes out of your day to experience this song and everything it means to you because it gives this article a lot of context.

Crying, driving away in the dark

photo credit: englishsnow

There comes a point in everyone’s life when they realize there is no turning back. In the song Mayer uses the metaphor of driving away from his parents house, crying, in the dark. We have all had that moment. It might have been when you moved out or when you realized that you could beat your dad at table tennis. For a lot of people it manifests as an extremely empty and hollow realization.

The interesting thing is that some people are more equipped for this moment than others. Some people shut down and start to compensate for this lost youth in negative ways. Others embrace it and look forward to the future. Some people do both. But this moment is pivotal because it is the start of your adulthood. How you deal with this moment has a lot to do with whether you ever really grow up at all – and a lot of people don’t.

How to move forward and grow up

photo credit: afsilva

I am not professing to have all the answers. I still struggle all the time with the idea that I am no longer at home with my mum eating her cooking and asking her for $10 to buy lunch with. I still struggle with the fact that she is going to die one day.

But since my conversation with that Buddhist Lama I have made some headway. I am stepping out on my own more and I am starting to enjoy it. Here are some tips on how to grow up well. Tips on how to drive away in the dark knowing that you are going to make it.

1. Accept it as soon as you can
Something you are going to need to do eventually is accept that there is no going back. You will have to accept this to grow up well. You can put it off or you can stand up tall and do it now. There is never any going back to the old days. The old days are like a dead person and you cannot revive a dead person no matter how much you long for them.

I encourage everyone who is struggling to grow up to accept fact that the past is gone and it is never coming back. Move forward. Its all you have.

2. Give up the memory reliving
If you are a healthy adult who has dealt with the growing up process well then there is nothing wrong with a little nostalgic reminiscing. But if you are buying sports cars, having affairs, trying to relive your youth or struggling with the depression of getting old then these memories can drive you mad. You need to give them up.

One of my worst traits is that I think to much. This inability to quiet my mind was one of the main reasons I was struggling to grow up. I would constantly play out the old days in my head, wishing, praying that I could go back to high school when things were simpler. But after I was gently told to “grow up” by my teacher I decided that it was time to leave these things behind and move on. And I have never been so happy.

The best way you can do this is by starting to become a little better at mediation. You don’t have to sit on a cushion and close your eyes but you do have to start becoming friends with your mind. Learn to watch your thoughts. Learn how they arise and subside without leaving any trace at all. When you do this they cease to control you.

3. Find out the cause
Often the pain associated with growing up can be linked to something else. Why are you feeling like this? Why are you missing the old days? If you can find another cause you might be able to get on top of those feelings.

For example, if you are really stressed because you think your wife is cheating on you then, undoubtedly, you are going to be longing for the old days where life was more simple. In this situation it isn’t the growing up that is causing the problem, it is some ancillary factor. Find out what is bringing these thoughts up and deal with it as soon as possible.

4. Don’t recreate
Trying to recreate the old days by going out with your mates all the time, skirting your responsibilities to your family, etc. is not going to solve the issue. A lot of people (men in particular) deal with the issue by not dealing with it. It is tempting here to grab you by your shirt collar and shake you while yelling, “Grow the F up man!” But of course that wouldn’t help.

We need to have a sense of honor in these situations by accepting the fact that we aren’t dealing with the problem very well. Trying to recreate the good ole days is not useful, nor will it make you feel better. As soon as you get in the cab to go home you will be back to that empty space. Recreating is living in the past and the past is a dead person. Remember?

5. Find good company
You are shaped in a big way by the people around you. If you are surrounded by 30 year old men who still wear their school jackets and go out drinking every night then you are going to go down with them. If, however, you hang out with people who are making progress, living and really trying to better themselves then you too will begin to move forward.

Finding good company is a massive part of growing up. It is a stark and bitter day when you realize that most of your buddies from high school are assholes and that you need new mates. You feel extremely alone. You have to find new people. But you will. And when you do you will be so much better off. Of course not everyone’s buddies from school are assholes. But a lot of the time they will hold you back because, as a group, you can just stay alive in the past.

6. Understand that things change
When the 16th Karmapa was on his death bed his students asked him to sum up his life’s experience and wisdom into one small teaching. After a brief pause he turned to them and simple said, “Things change”.

These two words are the quintessence of growing up. These two simple words summarize everything that you need to know about life. Things change and when you fail to grasp that truth you suffer. Nothing lasts and nothing stays the same. Embrace that chaos and find some peace by letting go.

Conslusion

So you have two options. You can fight to stop the train or you can go with it. As corny and cliche as it sounds, you really have to learn how to cope because there is no going back. Your youth is gone and all you have is now and, if you are lucky, the future. Have you grown up yet?

If you have any advice to give anyone or if you yourself have struggled with growing up please leave a comment and share your experience. It might really help someone.

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“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” – John M. Richardson, Jr.

A few days ago we looked at how to let go of the past; the first article in our two part series on letting go of the past and facing the future. Today we are going to go over part two – learning how to not fear your future. I hope something I write is helpful to someone out there.

Letting go of the past is necessary before you face your future

The reason I spent the first article talking about letting go of the past is because it is necessary to do so before you can face your future with any real sense of fearlessness. Those people who have accepted their mistakes/failures and moved on from times gone by are much better equipped to deal with what is going to happen in their future.

If you are really serious about learning to face your future with bravery you need to let go of the past. Accept your failures and mistakes and let go of that baggage.

How to not fear your future

photo credit: jiulliano

I have always found it extremely interesting how some people are caught in the past while others are terrified of the future. I don’t know why, but it always seems as though we are trapped in one extreme and never balanced in the middle.

When you fear the future you are unable to truly live in the present moment. You destroy your chances for happiness because you spend all your time worrying about what is going to happen instead of enjoying the life you actually have. Here are some suggestions that might help you move away from fearing the future. If you can apply these to your situation you will, hopefully, be able to find some happiness.

1. Understand that the future is uncertain
If you think that something bad is going to happen down the track you need to realize that this is uncertain. No body knows what is going to happen even a few hours from now, let alone ten years down the road.

If you find yourself worrying about the future it is important to remind yourself that it is uncertain as to what is going to happen. Your situation might not be as bleak as you think. In fact, what you understand that the future is uncertain you will be well equipped to understand the second point.

2. The future can be created
Your future is in your hands. No body is going to make anything happen for you unless you go out and try to achieve it yourself. Now, instead of being depressed by this fact it is important to realize that you are in an extremely hopeful place. You are living in a time and a place where opportunities are everywhere. At no other time in history have human beings been able to give up their livelihood and search for something new or something better. But we can.

Why fear the future when we have control over it? Why worry about the next few days or weeks when we know we can do something about it now? And while everyone tells you to live in the present moment you still need to make preparations for tomorrow. That is fine as long as you do it with mindfulness and awareness.

3. Realize that things change slowly
When I was in India a few years ago I was staying in a Buddhist Monastery where a very powerful Tibetan lama was staying. People often reported that being near this particular lama caused powerful emotions to arise and you could either deal with them or let them scare you away. Well, I decided to deal with them. True to legend I started having very emotional thoughts about the future. I was scared. Panicked even. I was worrying about where I was going to be, who I was going to be with and whether I’d ever be happy.

After a few hours of this emotional mess I had a bit of a breakthrough. Although it wasn’t anything like a sudden realization or awakening moment, it has stayed with me my entire life. I understood that things change slowly. It does not all happen at once. You do not wake up one day and all your friends are dead and you have no one to talk to. Things change slowly. When you understand this fact you give yourself a lot more room to move – it is not as scary.

4. Meditate on mindfulness
Mindfulness meditation is one of the premier ways to deal with a fear of the future. Why? Because it brings you in touch with the present moment better than almost anything else. And when you can do that you will find that all of your fears and worries dissolve of their own accord.

photo credit: hylah

Again, I want to point you to this article on meditating on mindfulness. It is simple to do and extremely effective. As soon as you notice that you are becoming worried about the future begin the meditation. Focus on the breath going in and out of the nose. Count the breaths. Relax. Once you become expert at this you will find that your thoughts no longer control you as much – you learn to see through their illusion. Perhaps your idea of the future was just a false concept that you cooked up?

5. Remember you are not alone
Community is a very important thing. Human beings are social creatures and, more often than not, they need the love and affection of other humans. This is important to remember when you are thinking about the future. You need to remind yourself that you will always have people who love you.

Let me give you an example. A few days ago I was getting quite uptight at the possibility that I might have to leave my home town to go and live in another city. The idea really frightened me – leaving my friends and family behind. But, after a while I realized that a lot of my good friends are now overseas doing other things. We stay in contact on email or sms and usually see each other once or twice a year. Furthermore, I realized that I could always call home or book a flight back for the weekend. No matter how lonely your prospects of the future might seem remember that you are never alone.

And, if worst comes to worst, you can always chat to me on Twitter. I will be happy to be a shoulder to lean on.

6. The future is the same as the monster under your bed
The final thing that I want to say is that worrying about your future is the same as worrying about the monster that was under your bed when you were four. Essentially, us grown adults, are worrying about something that doesn’t exist. The future has not come about yet. It is not a solid thing that will hurt you.

The future is like the monster under your bed – recognize that it is a concept created by your own mind and you will have a great deal of power over it.

Conclusion

Letting go of the past and not fearing the future can be hard. But it is important to try and do it. If you can learn to live in the present moment your life will be a lot more spontaneous and joyful. It will be a lot lighter and spacious and you will feel less stressed and trapped.

If anyone has any other tips on how to not fear the future please leave a comment. I would love to hear what you have to say.

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“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” – Wayne dyer.

The other night I was sitting down with my brother watching a late night soccer match when we started talking about the “good ole days” and all of our plans for the future. After a while we paused and then started laughing because it seemed as though I was trapped in the past and he was fearful of the future. The whole conversation I had been talking about how things used to be and he spent the whole time talking about how hard things are going to be. It was a bit of an “Ah huh!” moment as we both realized that grasping on to the past/future was keeping us from being happy.

In this post I want to talk about how to let go of your past and not fear your future. It is one of the most important things you will ever attempt to do – living in the present is the only way to be happy.

NOTE – I have divided this article into two posts as they were quite long. Today’s post will be on letting go of the past and tomorrow’s post will be on learning how to not fear your future. Make sure you subscribe to the feed if you don’t want to miss out.

As always, if you have something to add or a comment that you think might help someone out there please leave a comment and let us know. All comments are greatly appreciated.

How to let go of your past

For some people, the past is like a ball and chain. It follows you wherever you go and it stops you from achieving your goals in life. It is restricting, heavy and extremely burdensome. A lot of people never break free. If you feel a little bit like that then please read through these suggestions and take them to heart. If you can break free from your past you might find your present and future moments are looking a lot brighter.

1. Realize that it cannot be changed
The most sobering thing about the past is that it cannot be changed. Things have already happened. And seeing as there is no way to travel back in time, there is no way to change the past. Learn to accept it.

I once read about a man who sped through a traffic light because he was late to work and ran over a mother and bay. Both mother and child were killed but the driver survived unharmed. This man became an alcoholic and a drug user and his life started spiraling out of control as his guilt was so painful. It took him almost 30 years but one day he realized that what was done was done and there was no way to change it. By destroying his life as well he was effectively ruining three lives.

If you live in the past and are having trouble letting go you need to realize that it cannot be changed. You can never go back to those times and you will never erase what happened. By living in this past moment you are preventing yourself from actually fixing what you did wrong.

2. Don’t make “mind stories”
Sometimes when I cast my mind back to my days in high school or my first trip to India I get a swell of emotion and then start to create “mind stories”. These stories can go on all day and basically consist of my going over all my good memories and then getting upset when I realize that times have changed. Don’t do this.

We all make “mind stories” to some extent. My mother is the opposite of me and she spends all day going over all the bad things that could happen or all the negative events that occurred in the past. The mental chatter is poisonous. As soon as you start, it is almost impossible to stop. One thought leads to another and before long you realize that you have a whole day of your life in the past.

3. Think about impermanence
It wouldn’t be a post by The Daily Minder without mentioning impermanence. I can hear of you all groaning now – “here he goes… rambling on about impermanence again!” It is an important truth to realize, however, and it is particularly useful when dealing with an inability to let go of the past.

First of all, we need to realize that we don’t have a lot of time on this Earth. Death can come at any moment. You could eat a poisonous dinner, choke on a carrot or get hit by a car. You could get cancer tomorrow. Imagine if a wise old meditation master came to you and said you only had two weeks left to life. Would you regret spending so much time thinking about the past? Would you consider that you wasted your time here on Earth? I know I would.

The next time you start worrying about the past I want you to remember impermanence. Say to yourself, “I don’t have time for this” and just drop it. Over time you will train your mind to ignore those thoughts and as the days and weeks go by the attachment to the past will fade away.

4. Meditate on compassion
A few years ago I was in North India listening to a talk by an old Tibetan Lama who had grown up in Tibet and fled to India in the 60’s. At the end of the talk the Lama answered a few questions from the audience. One of the questions said:

“Tibet was one of the most beautiful countries where people had freedom to practice meditation and live in peace. Do you miss those days?”

The Lama, without even pausing for a moment, just shook his head and said “No”. Then he followed up by saying, “thinking about times gone by is useless. It doesn’t help yourself and it doesn’t help other people”. I was impressed. What he said left an indelible mark on my mind – dwelling on the past is a fruitless pursuit and it helps no one.

If you are stuck in the past you need to realize that those thoughts and habits are helping no one. It is an extremely uncompassionate way to live your life and it will get you no where.

5. Understand we can’t control everything
I am a firm believer that we control our destiny. I do not think God or anyone else plans things out for us, I think we are the ones who forge our future and I think we are the ones responsible for our actions. Sometimes, however, we have to realize that we cannot control everything that goes on.

I once heard a mate of mine say that people who dwell on the past are just trying to control everything. I think he was right. Sometimes I feel like my sense of independence means that I blame myself too heavily when things go wrong. And that means I am often dwelling on my mistakes.

If you spend a lot of time cursing yourself for things you have done in the past I ask you to go easy on yourself and to stop trying to be so controlling. You cannot control everything. You cannot control everyone. And although you are the one in charge of your destiny there are times when you will be utterly unable to change a set of circumstances. So let it go. You will be glad you did.

Conclusion

Letting go of the past is like lifting a weight off your shoulders. It allows you to move on and make a new life and it stops you from staying stagnant. Like any habit, however, it will be hard to accomplish and it will take a lot of practice. But it is possible to let go of the past and live completely for the present.

The next post will be on how to not fear your future. Make sure you are subscribed so you don’t miss out.

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Everyone is addicted to something. For me it is coffee. I love it. Others have an addiction to drugs, sex or video games. And the sad thing about addictions is that they overtake your entire life; everything else comes second. In this post I am going to give you some practical and meaningful ways to overcome your addictions. It is my sincere hope that you beat them soon.

How do you know if you’re addicted?

The first step that we need to look at is whether or not you are actually addicted. Some people say they are addicted to coffee when, in actual fact, they just really like a cup in the morning. I would say that this is a bad habit as opposed to an addiction.

Addictions are a different kettle of fish. They are more consuming and debilitating. One sign that you are addicted to something is that feel like you cannot live without it. You need it. You have to have it. And when you don’t get it you feel sick. That is and addiction.

There are also many signs that point to the fact that you are becoming addicted. For example, let’s take a Facebook addiction. One sign that you are on the path to addiction is when you are late for meetings or appointments because you are using the website. If your poison is interfering with the normal function of your life then chances are you are on that slippery slope.

How to overcome your addictions

The suggestions that I am about to give come from a lifetime of dealing with a very addictive personality. Although I have never been addicted to anything serious like drugs or alcohol I do sometimes feel the “pull” of some other addictive behaviors. I also grew up with an alcoholic father which ignited in me a wish to learn more about addictions.

I should point out, however, that I am not a doctor, psychologist or counselor. Nothing that I say should replace the advice of a professional.

1. See the damage your addiction is causing
The first thing that you need to do if you have an addiction is realize the damage that it is doing to your life. Once you can truly see and accept this negativity you will be more likely to make a change.

photo credit: DNQA

Let’s take the example of an alcoholic. This is a very destructive addiction because it really affects every area of your life. Your work starts to become unproductive because you are either intoxicated or in desperate need of a drink. Your family life starts to crumble because you lie to your spouse about where you are and how much you’ve been drinking. And your health is impacted – weight gain and liver problems.

If you feel you are addicted to something and you want to fix the problem you really need to take an honest look at the damage your addiction is causing. You really need to be honest with yourself. Don’t blame anything or anyone else – be honest. When you can do this you are ready to change.

2. Admit it to someone else
The next step you need to take is admitting to someone else that you have an addiction. A lot of self-help strategies tell you to admit it to yourself but I think this is not enough. You need to admit it to someone else.

Here’s why. You KNOW you are addicted. Your mind has self-awareness and you know exactly what you think and feel. You might make excuses for it or dodge the issue but deep down you know you are addicted. So admitting it to yourself only takes you so far. However, if you go out and admit it to someone else you are acknowledging that the addiction is a problem. This is one step further from merely admitting it is there – you are admitting it is dangerous.

Make a date with your spouse, mother, father, brother, sister or friend. Or book some time to see a counselor. Tell them that you have a problem and you need help. Tell them that you intend to get better and politely ask them to check in on you from time to time. This is important.

3. Get specific information
The next thing you need to do is get information specific to your addiction. We all know the saying “knowledge is power” and it is as true as ever when it comes to overcoming addiction. You need to know exactly how your problem works, why it came about and how to go about fixing it.

When you are looking for information you need to do a little better than blogs and internet resources. You need text books written by professionals and you need advice from experts who are trained to deal with your specific problem. The internet is a wonderful resource for many things but when it comes to serious addictions you need to make sure you are only working with the best material. Be careful.

4. Take a vow
The next thing you need to do is make a vow. This is probably the most important step in the whole process. Without this vow you will struggle to stick it out when times get tough.

photo credit: hylah

When I was young I was introduced to the idea of Buddhist vows. I was fascinated with the way they shaped a person’s life and kept you from straying down negative paths. I was mesmerized by the monks and how pure they were because of their vows. Their vows were the most important things in their life. In fact, many monks recite a prayer that says, “I will protect my vows like I protect my own eyes“. This is how you need to consider your vow.

Your vow is your word. It is your promise to yourself and to other people. It is your guiding light – the pathway that will take you from sickness to health. Take a vow and stick to it no matter what. When you feel tired and sick and helpless and are tempted to go back to your poison remember your vow – rely on it.

5. Make a plan
Beating an addiction is a battle. And like any battle, you need a plan to be successful. Imagine running into Iraq with a team of soldiers and no idea what your plan was. It would be suicide. The same is true of your addiction – without a plan you will fail.

Your plan should be made in conjunction with the information that you got earlier. It should be clearly laid out and put somewhere where you will see it everyday. Try to include as much detail as possible – how long you are going to take to quit, how much support you need, your daily activities, etc.

It is very important to pick a date by which you will have quit your addiction. Without that date your journey is just a dream. With that date it can become reality. Pick a date (a reasonable one) and stick to it.

6. Find inspiration
This step is one of the most important of them all. Inspiration. You are going to need someone or something to rely on when the going gets tough. Make sure you know exactly what yours is so you don’t have to scramble to find it when you are feeling down.

If you have a religion it can be very useful in these times. You can look at the great examples of the Saints of your lineage and see the hardships that they went through. I feel quite an affinity for the Buddhist masters and as such I draw a lot of inspiration from the Dalai Lama and the great yogi Milarepa. These are real human beings who have faced some extremely tough circumstances and come out as better people. That is inspiring.

Do some research and find out who or what inspires you. As I said, make sure you know before you start to panic who you are going to go to. If you don’t you will just end up back on the booze or the drugs.

7. Get rid of negative influences
Once when I was traveling in India a great Buddhist master was giving a series of teachings. On the last day of these teachings he said something that has become a steadfast rule in my life, “If you put a rose in a bag of fish soon the rose will start to stink too. Be careful of the company you keep”.

Quite often our “friends” are the worst thing for us. When we hang around them we are brought under their influence and end up doing all sorts of things that we wouldn’t have done otherwise. If you have an addiction or feel like you are going that way it would be a good idea to see whether any friends or events that you participate in are negatively influencing you. If you can identify any get rid of them straight away.

8. Develop strength and embrace failure
The final thing that I want to talk about in this particular article is the idea of developing strength and facing failure. When you are trying to beat such a deeply ingrained habit you need to have a lot of strength. And you need to be ready to fail.

photo credit: ePi.Longo

If you fail on your journey it is not a signal to give up. Rather, you should rejoice at the amount of time that you were able to accomplish and re-start with a renewed energy and sense of ambition. Tell yourself that this time you are going to go all the way. Don’t give up.

Conclusion

Every single human being has the potential for happiness. If you are addicted to something you are really holding yourself back from achieving your true potential. If you have happened upon this article in search of some answers I truly hope you find some inspiration. I wish you all the best on your journey and sincerely hope you can overcome your vice, whatever it may be.

Does anyone out there have any words of wisdom to share? Has anyone overcome an addiction or helped someone who has?

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“My religion is to live and die without regrets.” – Milarepa, Tibet’s greatest ever yogi.

Imagine this. You are old, frail and sick. You are laying in your bed with your children and family members around you. They are crying. Their eyes are red and their faces pull forced smiles trying to make you feel better about what is happening. You are dying.

Now ask yourself this question: are you regret free? Are you going to slip away in to the afterlife knowing that you lived a good and moral and full life? Or, are you going to be panicking because your mind is full of regrets and you aren’t ready to leave?

In this post I want to give you a few simple ways to make sure you live your life without regrets. I truly believe that when death comes the most important thing you can have by your side is the knowledge that you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Why this is so important to know

First of all I want to talk a little bit about why it is so important to live and die without regrets. It is not a complicated philosophical argument or even a religious teaching. The reason it is so important is because all of us, at the time of death, are scared out of our mind.

Think about when you lose some little trinket that you treasure. It might be a necklace, wedding ring or your car keys. Think about how frustrated and anxious you get. You are so attached to that item you can’t bare to be separated from it even for a few moments.

Now imagine death.

At the time of death it is not just your keys or your necklace that you are leaving behind. It is everything. You are leaving behind your kids, your house, your spouse. You are leaving your morning coffee and your local park and all your life habits. Most distressing, however, is the fact that you are leaving behind your body. The very body that you have groomed and cared for and cleaned and loved your entire life. It is time to separate from it. And that is bloody scary.

At that point in time the only thing you have to rely on is a calm mind. If you are in a negative space; thinking about all your possessions and attachments that you are parting from then your death will be painful. If, however, you are calm, collected, happy and regret free your death will be no drama whatsoever.

How to look back on your life with no regrets

Now that I have done a little bit of an introduction I want to talk about a few things that you need to do if you want to die without regrets. If you have ANY IDEAS of your own I would love to hear them. This is one area where you can never have enough knowledge.

1. Do no harm
All the major religions and philosophies of the world have one thing in common. They all speak of the fact that the very core and heart of their teachings is the idea that you should do no harm.

This is the most important thing of all. If you have spent your life harming people your death will be an occasion full of fear and regret. If, however, you have spent your days helping people and lived a loving and caring life there will be no cause for fear at the time of death. Why would there be? How could anything bad come from a life spent helping others?

If you want to die without regret it is important to do no harm. Don’t harm others with your body or your harsh speech. Don’t gossip about people and ruin their reputations. Don’t kill or injure animals. As a great Indian Buddhist master once wrote in his seminal text:

“Even a tiny spark can set fire to a whole mountainside. Do no harm whatsoever.” – Shantideva

2. Waste no time

photo credit: iamjames46

One of the major regrets that all people have is the recollection that you wasted a lot of your spare time doing things that had no real benefit. I touched on this in the recent post on recognizing your faults but I wanted to mention it here as well.

Human life is so precious. It is so rare and it is endowed with opportunities that no other species has. We have the mind, body and inclination to relieve the suffer of others. Not many animals can claim that they have this ability. But we do. We have the potential to travel the world, experience new things and grow as a person. We have the ability to love and the ability to bring joy to others’ lives.

This opportunity is so rare. It is so rare than even some other humans can’t claim to possess it. Impoverished souls in Africa and India and those in war torn countries do not have the opportunities that we relatively wealthy people in the west have. Wasting it would be the worst crime of all.

I truly believe that when death comes I will be more regretful of wasted time than of anything else. For the most part I do not harm a lot of beings and I do my best to help out when I can but, like a lot of humans, I am infected with the virus of laziness. I do not use my time well. If I want to die without regret I need to do something about this. And you do as well.

3. Take every opportunity that comes by
When you talk to the elderly about their lives one thing inevitably comes up – missed opportunities. Everyone has a story about an opportunity they had to work in a great firm or travel to a distant land or play for a great sporting team. And everyone regrets not taking that opportunity when it presented itself.

photo credit: andystoll

Something that I feel is very important is to take every opportunity that comes along. The reason for this is simple – you will regret not taking an opportunity a lot more than you will regret taking it and it not working out. For example, it would be a lot better to take a job in a distant land and find out it isn’t right for you than it would be to turn it down because you were afraid.

If you want to get to the end of your life and have no regrets you need to seize every opportunity that comes along. It doesn’t matter how small or big it is, never turn down something because you are too afraid that it won’t work out. 90% of the time you will only get one shot.

4. Travel the world
In 2006 my best mate was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. The doctors found the disease quite late and by that time it had spread to his bones and lymph nodes. It didn’t look good. During that time he said something interesting to me, something that has stuck with me. He said that he felt extremely lucky to have traveled.

It was really interesting to see a young man who was facing death say that one thing that really helped him was the fact that he had traveled the world and seen a lot of things. He said it made him feel as though he had lived a fuller life and hadn’t missed out on too much, despite his young age. I am happy to say that my friend has since recovered fully from the cancer.

If you want to die without regret I think it is not so important to see lots of things as it is to really experience them. When you travel I encourage you to stay in one place for longer than you would normally and really experience the culture and the location. Don’t just go sight seeing, try and really experience what magic the place has to offer. At the end of your life you will remember these experiences.

5. Train yourself in impermanence
Death is a lot like professional sport. If you spend a lot of time training for it you will do well. If, however, you just try to fluke it there is every chance that you will fail. The time to train for death is today. The method is remembering the truth of impermanence.

When you are laying in your bed with your family around the last thing you want is a clinging mind. The last thing you want is to be so pained by your attachments that you can’t bare to let go of your life. If you are attached to your house and family you will find it extremely hard to slip away.

The only way you can combat this is to remember impermanence now. Every time you see yourself becoming attached to something you should remind yourself that it won’t last. Everything composite breaks. Everything that goes up comes down. Nothing lasts. Don’t be depressed by this fact, be happy. For now you have the motivation for seizing the moment and making the most of life while you still have it. This is what they mean when they say you need to live in the light of death.

Conclusion

I truly believe that if you live your life with the goal to have no regrets at the time of death you will live a wonderful life. Don’t harm, don’t waste time and don’t miss opportunities. These three things are essential. Your goal is to make these things happen. I can write about it until the cows come home but until you change your life for the better it is all just idle speech. I wish you the best of luck.

If you have any tips to share with us please leave a comment. It might really help one of our readers.

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