photo credit: Christina Spicuzza

“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness” – Richard Carlson

A few years ago I went through a rough patch that left me feeling constantly stressed. During that time I started to also see some physical manifestations of that emotional turmoil. One day I went to my doctor and he told me that I needed to do something about it or I could wind up doing some serious damage. It hit me like a tonne of bricks – up until that point it had never occurred to me that stress might be damaging my health in the long term.

In this post I want to talk about why your stress levels might be killing you. The more I read about the matter the more I am coming to understand that there are a lot of people out there doing themselves some harm.

The scary links between stress and health problems

My younger brother is studying medicine and as such we often have talks about the link between body and mind. Long gone are the days when the medical world viewed them as two separate things; the current consensus is that what goes on the body is strongly related to the mind. You can look to your own life as an example. Try and remember the last headache you got; I am betting it had something to do with a work or family argument. What about the last time you couldn’t sleep? Was that stress related too? These are prime examples of the body following the mind’s lead.

Its called psychoneuroimmunology and it is the study of the interaction between psychological processes and the nervous and immune systems of the human body. There have been countless studies showing that stress can:

• lead to an increased chance of weight problems
• cause poor sleep which can lead to other health issues
• have an impact on your heart’s health
• impact your immune response
• etc

These (and the ones not mentioned) are pretty serious and, over time, can do serious damage to your body. It is extremely important for our health that we understand how stress affects us and learn a few things to get it under control.

The necessary trip

photo credit: deep_schismic

If you think that you might be having problems with stress it is vitally important that you go and see your doctor. This is something that I put off for a long time for fear of coming across too sensitive and dramatic. The truth was, however, if I waited much longer I may have winded up doing some permanent damage.

The amazing thing was that I felt almost instantly better after seeing my doctor. It was a combination of knowing I was doing something to help myself get better and just talking to someone who knew how to help. Sometimes talking to friends and family is extremely helpful, but sometimes it is not. I’m sure we all have those mates who just tell us to “man up” or “keep busy until it goes away”. Sometimes these help, sometimes they harm.

Book a time to see your doctor, especially if you have been having bad sleep, noticed changes in your weight or have been having any other unusual symptoms that you think might be related to your stress.

How to deal with stress in the short term

There are a few little things that you can do in the short term in order to help combat the effects of stress. These things may or may not work for you, they are just some things that I find to be quite helpful on a stressful day at work or home. Remember, an underlying stress condition can seriously impact your long term health and as such it is very important to talk to a professional.

1. Run, run, run
Exercise is a tried and tested method for reducing stress and helping your body recovery from a bad day. Why? Because, as we all know, the body releases a chemical called endorphins which leaves you feeling. Although I can’t find any medical proof for it (any doctors out there?) I once read that the stress hormone is designed to prepare you for a primal “fight or flight” situation which is then perfectly burned off by running. It is almost as if the stress is preparing you for a good jog!

Running also has the dual effect of getting you outside into the open and getting some sunlight. Sunlight is necessary for the production of Vitamin D which is involved in keeping you happy as well as immune healthy. Some studies also suggest that it may help prevent cancer.

2. Eat less meat
There are numerous studies that point to the fact that eating a healthy vegetarian diet can lead to a longer life expectancy and better heart health. There is also some evidence to suggest that you are less likely to get cancer. Now I am not a total vegetarian, I eat meat about twice a week. But since cutting back from daily meat intake I have noticed better energy levels and a much happier feeling. It might not work for you but I would never go back to a meat based diet.

3. Read from the experts
There is so much knowledge to be found in books. All the problems that we are having now have been had and thought about by smart people for thousands of years. Aristotle, Buddha, Plato, Descartes, the Dalai Lama, etc. – all of these people’s thoughts and ideas are written down. And they help. They have practical meaning for our lives today. If you are having problems with stress you might just find a solution or two by reading a book and then applying the ideas to your situation. Family, work, disease… all of these problems have been tackled before.

Conclusion

The opening quote is something that I found to be quite striking. Everyone is stressed but hardly anyone thinks that it is a real problem. But as my doctor showed me and as the studies continue to show us, stress can have a serious impact on your health, well being and longevity. I hope that this short post might serve as a starting point for you to tackle your stress levels. At the very minimum I hope we all go for a jog tonight!

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“In Tibet you would send a letter and not expect a reply for six months. Now if people send an email and don’t get a reply in 30 seconds they get angry.” – Tai Situ

How long can you go without checking your email? If you find a juicy bit of gossip do you have to Tweet it to everyone you know? Do you SMS more than you talk? Most of us do.And it is making us stressed, depressed and utterly bored with life.

In this post I want to talk about how I believe technology is causing us a lot of problems. In particular I hope the parents reading this will carefully consider the impact all this technology is having on their children.

What technology?

I am going to refer to “technology” a lot in this post so I thought I should clear up what I am talking about. Basically I am referring to media like Twitter, Facebook, iPhones and iPods, Blackberrys, etc. Technology that is providing entertainment. I am not referring to advances in medicine, international travel, etc.

The iPhone, the cafe and addiction

A few days ago I was sitting in a cafe waiting for a friend. I noticed that a lot of people were sitting alone and almost every one of them had an iPhone or Blackberry. Every new visitor to the cafe sat down and within 20 second was flipping away on the phone looking for apps, news or Twitter.

This, to me, is the epitome of the problem with technology – we cannot live without it. This media has become so addictive and we have come to rely on it so much, we wouldn’t know how to live without the constant stimulation. And therein lies the problem.

Technology and its links to stress, depression and boredom

photo credit: PaperThinSerge

We are constantly stimulated by technology. We are constantly in need of a “hit” and over time that need escalates, just like the need for a drug. We are addicted to technology and it is causing stress, depression and boredom. Here’s why:

Technology and stress
The reason I believe technology is causing us to be stresses is simple – we are speeding up too much. Our lives are lived in a constant rush and this is majorly caused by advancing technologies. Think about the news; 10 years ago if you wanted news you had to wait for the evening report or the paper in the morning. Now if you want news you go on Twitter to see if there is any Trending Topics or you jump on your mobile to see what the latest news app is saying. Its fast.

And while I can see the upsides to this (great access to information, etc.) I am also acutely aware that it is causing people problems. They cannot go for very long without an update. They feel like everything has to be done at a cracking pace. And they get stressed when they haven’t had a hit in a while.

Leo Babauta over at Zen Habits has a new eBook out which is all about living simply with minimal clutter. This is what he is talking about. All the technology and speed that we have in our lives is making us stressed and the sad thing is, we don’t need to be.

Technology and depression
The relationship between technology and depression is more subtle but I wanted to write about it because I have experienced it myself. I would love to hear some reader feedback about this one.

As my long time readers will know, I used to be a bit of a gamer. My brother and I would spend hours play Call of Duty, Counter Strike and even World of Warcraft. But after a while we both started noticing something – we were depressed. There was a really empty feeling that just wouldn’t go away. After a while we linked it to the games because we realized that we were so overstimulated and when the games were off we hit a low; kind of like a sugar hit that inevitably leads to a crash. But it was more long lasting and powerful.

And media and technology are like that. We are constantly Tweeting, Facebooking and listening to music that when it all stops at the end of the day we feel depressed. Our senses finally get a moment to relax and we feel terrible. We feel alone. I think that technology is making a lot of us depressed.

Technology and boredom
The last one is obvious as it is closely tied in with the other two. Technology is making us bored. Why? Because we need bigger and bigger hits. Listening to music is no longer exciting, we need a massive show or an LCD screen in our music player. The addition to stimulation is escalating.

I actually think this phenomena is quite dangerous as the younger generation now needs bigger hits to be entertained. The simple pleasures in life are no longer enough because they have experienced amazing things all the time from such a young age. I think it has a lot to do with why drugs and alcoholism are so prevalent. But I could be wrong.

Next time you have a break from work become aware of what you want to do. I am betting you shy away from relaxing and sitting back and grab for a phone, a TV or some Facebook action. Being still and alone is no longer enough for us.

Creating a need, not solving a problem

The interesting thing about this media and technology is that the new innovations do not solve a problem or need, they create one. In the old days marketing firms would sit down and think about some problems that people had and then try to create a technology to solve that problem. Not anymore! Now they create technologies and make us feel like we need it. In fact, I now think that these things create more problems than they solve.

What do you think?

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Parties and social gatherings are a part of life. They are intended to be happy occasions where friends and colleagues get together to catch up and unwind. However, there are a lot of people out there who hate going to parties because they experience high level of anxiety. I used to be one of them. In this post I am going to give you some simple ways to deal with stress and anxiety at parties and social gatherings.

Are you afraid of the marketplace?

First of all it is interesting to look at the condition known as agoraphobia. This word comes from the Greek words agora and phobos and literally translates as “fear of the marketplace”.

Agoraphobia is where people become anxious in situations with which they are unfamiliar or have little control (ie parties). The anxiety is often made worse by the fear of possibly having a panic attack in that unfamiliar situation. The fear and anxiety often spirals out of control and leaves you feeling completely sick and alone.

The condition known as agoraphobia is slightly shrouded in mystery. Experts know what it is but, in truth, they have no idea what causes the problem. There are many different theories and at this time that is all we have to go on. If you find that your fear of parties and social gatherings is becoming more and more serious it is possible that you have this common condition. In that case, it would be a good idea to go and visit your local GP for advice.

How to deal with anxiety at parties and social gatherings

photo credit: lincolnblues

Even if you do have the condition of agoraphobia the techniques I am about to give you will be of some use. As I mentioned, I used to get extremely anxious before a party. But by using these methods I was soon able to overcome the problem completely.

1. Go with a friend who knows about your problem
Back in high school when I used to suffer from this sort of social gathering related anxiety I had a really good friend who knew my condition. I felt completely comfortable around him and he was very accepting of my reactions. Going to a party with him was a great support because I knew with 100% certainty that he would make excuses for me or support me if I needed to go.

If you have a friend with whom you can be completely open with about your condition it is a great idea to ask them to come along with you. My friend used to be my saving grace – never judgmental or impatient. I remember one party we went to when we were 18 where he sat in the car with me for over an hour just talking to me because he knew I needed to calm down. It was a massive gift for me when everyone else (parents, sisters, etc.) were telling me to just “get over it”.

Try to be open about your problem. I always found that telling people made it better, not worse. If people are aware that you get a little anxious they will always support you.

2. Understand that you’re not that important
The title of this point might seem a little bit harsh but it is something that really helped me out. Give me a few paragraphs to explain because I think it could help you too.

Understanding that you are not that important is a valuable tool to learn. To this day I feel that a lot of my anxiety at parties came because I wanted to uphold a certain “persona” or “character” and I got anxious when I felt that there was going to a be a situation where I might be “exposed”. For example, high school is a time when everyone is trying to be cool and fit in. If you get anxious before a party it might be because you are worrying too much about what other people think about you. You spend so much time worrying what others think about you that it ends up making you really nervous, paranoid and anxious.

Sometimes it is useful to say to yourself, “I am not that important. People are not thinking about me at every moment. My every move is not being scrutinized.” If you be realistic you will come to realize that most people are too wrapped up in their own issues and neurosis to be concerned with you.

3. Cut the pre-party worry chain
Getting anxious at the party itself is only part of the battle. One of the worst things that sufferers of this condition experience is days or even weeks of nervous anticipation. They worry and think about the party so much before hand that when they arrive at the day of the party itself the anxiety is beyond control.

If you want to learn how to deal with anxiety and panic at a party you need to take care of the preparation. Preparing yourself by worrying will only lead to bad experiences. If you can, however, cut the chain of worry you will find that the party itself is not at all that bad.

I wrote a lot about worry in this post on how to deal with worry. The basic technique that you need to learn is simply becoming aware of the fact that you are worrying. Look inside your mind and notice that worry is arising. You don’t need to try to get rid of it or force it out, just become aware of it. When you can do this you will find that it has a lot less power and you are more able to gain control over your mind.

4. Bring to mind the truth of impermanence
When you are suffering from a panic attack or high levels of anxiety it is useful to remember that nothing is permanent. Your panic, anxiety and stress will all go away soon enough.

For example, if you are going to a party and you really do not want to go because you are feeling anxious it is good to bring to mind the fact that both the party and your anxiety will soon finish. They will not last forever. The great thing about this strategy is that you know it is true – you can look at your own experiences to realize that anxiety doesn’t last. It never has before and it never will – it is always going to be impermanent.

The next time you rock up to a party or social gathering and start to feel the anxiety creeping in just take a moment to sit under the sky and say to yourself, “This won’t last.” Remind yourself that your panic will come, but it will also go. The party has started, but it will soon finish. Why get so worked up about something that is only fleeting? This really helped me with my own anxiety.

5. Don’t drink alcohol, coffee or smoke anything
This should be a given but many people do not realize the negative effects that these three substances have on your anxiety and stress. Coffee, alcohol and smoking (tobacco and marijuana) all lead to increased levels of anxiety.

If you cut out these substances you will not automatically cure your party anxiety. It will still probably come about. However, the flip side of this is that if you DO take these substances your anxiety and panic will get much worse. While I have never been a drinker or a smoker, I did used to consume an awful lot of coffee. I didn’t realize it at the time but it was making me very anxious. As soon as I cut it out I noticed that my mind was much easier to control – much more relaxed.

Next time you have a party to go to try cutting out these three things. See how your mind reacts. See how your body reacts. See if you feel more in control. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

6. Stop the mental chatter
This point is closely related to the strategy about cutting the worry chain. However, this point has more to do with the internal “conversation” that we all seem to have. This mental chatter, in my experience, makes dealing with anxiety a lot worse.

Let’s pretend you are going to a party and all your old high school friends are going to be there. You might start feeling a little anxious and so, as a means to deal with your anxiety, you start talking to yourself about all the different situations that might arise at the party. Your goal is to “cover” all the possible scenarios that might occur and in doing so you believe that you will be better prepared for the party. Wrong.

Mental chatter always makes worry and anxiety worse. The reason for this is simple: worry never sorts anything out. You could spend every minute of everyday for 1000 years thinking about a party but you will never find a solution. The more you internally jabber on about it the worse your anxiety will become.

The next time you notice yourself starting one of these internal dialogues remind yourself that nothing good will come of it. You will not be able to sort out anything by thinking about it. All you are doing is wasting precious time worrying about something that might/might not happen! What a waste of energy.

7. Exercise before hand
Exercise has been scientifically proven to improve the happiness of a person. The reason exercise makes you happy is twofold. Firstly, exercises causes your body to release a chemical called endorphins which make you feel good. Secondly, when you exercise you feel better about yourself mentally. Exercising before a party can be a great way to get a hold on the stress.

The best exercise you can do is something that is considered “high intensity”. My personal favorite are heavy weights or martial arts. These exercises fill you with confidence and to some degree relax your body such that you are less likely to feel the stresses and pains of anxiety overcoming you.

Another form of exercise that might be beneficial is yoga or tai chi. These have been used for centuries to calm the mind and relax the body. It is said that getting the internal energies or “chi” under control will help you to stay calm. Yoga and tai chi certainly do this.

8. Remember, it could be worse!
Sometimes it is tempting to think that a party is the worst place to be on Earth. But it isn’t. Life could be a lot worse.

I always found it really helpful to remember that I am quite fortunate to be able to attend a party with my friends and family. Many people around the world do not have the freedom or the ability to attend parties – their life is spent just surviving. The next time you feel like the anxiety is too much remind yourself that a party is actually a happy event. Don’t let your own issues spoil it for you.

How about you?

I would love to hear whether or not you get nervous before a party. Do you feel stress, anxious and sometimes panicked before it starts? If so, have you found any techniques that help to calm you down? Please leave a comment and let everyone know. As I always say, it might really help someone reading this article.

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Every now and then life throws us in the deep end and tells us to swim. We find ourselves in overwhelming situations that we don’t know how to deal with. It might be the death of a loved one, a personal illness or a case of serious depression. In this post I want to give you a few ways to deal with the pain and hardships that you will encounter in your life. I hope it will inspire you just a little bit.

The inevitability of hardships

The first thing I want to talk about is the fact that pain and hardships are inevitable. No one can escape them. Every single one of us, at some point in our life, will experience pain, suffering and hardships of some form or another.

My goal in saying this is not to depress you. Rather my goal is to inspire you. How is this inspiring you might ask? Well it is simple. Being aware of the fact that you WILL experience suffering is a cause for hope because, unlike many other people, you now have a chance to prepare for it. And people who prepare are never as badly affected as those who don’t.

Suffering, pain and hardships are inevitable. Make sure your preparation for them is also just as inevitable. This is the most important step.

How to deal with pain and hardships in your life

photo credit: HAMED MASOUMI

The tips that I am about to give you come from two places, my own personal experience and the experiences of history’s greatest meditation masters. Sometimes it is better to hear some pithy and real tips as opposed to some dry and theoretical ones. I will try, therefore, to keep these as practical as possible.

If you have any other tips to add please leave a comment. The comments are often the best part of this blog and I know that they help a lot of people out there.

Realize that it is your hardships that make you better
Picture this. You are in the center of the Indian desert. You are just out of high school; young, naive and egotistical. You are on a bit of a spiritual journey but at the same time looking for adventure. And then after just arriving in a place miles from anywhere you wake up in the middle of the night vomiting, convulsing and shaking. You are days from a hospital and you are really sick. Things start to look bleak.

That is the situation I found myself in on my first trip to India. I had eaten some poisonous food and for the next three days I lay in bed sick as a dog. It didn’t matter what I did, nothing seemed to help. I started to get quite frightened as I knew I was too sick to travel and there were no doctors around. But then something amazing happened, I was paid a visit by a very lovely Tibetan Lama. He came into my room and said one thing and one thing only. I have never ever forgotten it as it had such a profound impact on my life. He said:

“I am not interested in how much money you have or what family you belong to. I am interested in how you deal with hardships. That is the only thing that matters. That defines your future.”

It is the truest thing anyone has ever said to me about suffering and hardships. It is the hardships that define your character. Everyone is charming and lovely when the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming but hardly anyone is compassionate, patient and loving when they are sick, ill or under pressure. How you deal with hardships determines your character.

If you want to learn to deal with pain and hardship you need to realize that you have an amazing opportunity to grow as a person. You can prove to yourself that you are strong. You can show yourself that you have strength of character and will-power. The amazing thing about hardships and pain is that they present you with a rare opportunity to grow into a strong and decent human being.

Realize that pain and hardships won’t last
There is a great truth in this universe that applies to everything. There is no corner of the world that it does not touch, no depth of the ocean that it does not find, no planet in space that it cannot reach. That truth applies to everyone and everything. That truth is impermanence. Nothing lasts.

We have heard it all before. What goes up must come down. What comes together must eventually part. What is composite will soon break. What is accumulated will one day be dispersed. Everything in our universe is impermanent. Nothing can escape it.

As depressing as this sounds it also has an upside. The next time you are going through some pain or hardships you can remind yourself that it won’t last. You can look at everything in history and feel secure in knowing that, no matter how bad things seem now, the problems won’t last forever. What a wonderful thing! Like all things, suffering is also impermanent.

Realize that you are not alone
There is something very powerful about knowing that other people are going through what you are going through. Realizing that you are not alone is an extremely good way to deal with pain and hardships.

Let’s take the example of someone with severe depression. Depression can make you feel pretty alone. In fact, 90% of the time depression makes you feel so isolated and self-orientated that you don’t have a thought about other people for long stretches of time. I was a bit like this in my teen years.

But when you open up to the fact that you are not alone you get a boost of some really powerful strength. You get a sense of community, of friendship, of companionship – even if you haven’t met anyone else with the condition. Just knowing that there are other people out there like you can really make you feel good.

The next step in this idea is to realize that thousands of other people have gone through what you are going through and come out the other end. They have made it through and won. They haven’t died, lost hope or given up. They have faced the very same thing as you (whatever it is) and they have come out the other end. Never forget this.

Suggestions from the readers
I don’t want to say anymore on this topic. Here at The Daily Mind we are lucky enough to have some super intelligent and wise readers – much smarter than I am. I would therefore like to open the comments section up to your ideas and suggestions.

Please take two minutes to leave your suggestions and advice on how to deal with pain and hardships. If you have been through some tough times and found something particularly useful then please let us know. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant it might seem – your suggestion could really help someone.

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If you have ever had a panic attack you will know how bad they are. Your heart rate goes up, you feel like throwing up and you just want to figure out a way to calm down. It is terrible and it often feels like there is no solution.

A few years ago I had a series of panic attacks and during this time I learned some pretty simple ways to deal with them. In this post I want to share with you my simple but seemingly effective ways to calm down during a panic attack.

Are you sure it is a panic attack?

Panic attacks look different in everybody but they have some common threads. During a panic attack you will feel dizzy, nauseous and your heart rate will increase. Quite often you feel like the walls are closing in and you don’t know what to do or where to turn. This feeling of hopelessness often makes the whole situation worse.

Panic attacks are said to be one of the most frightening things a human can experience.

The most important thing that you can do is go and see your doctor. If your panic attacks are occurring regularly you need to get some professional advice as it might be related to another physical or psychological problem. In the meantime you can use these suggestions to help calm you down.

How to calm down and deal with a panic attack

photo credit: freestone

1. Sit down and breathe into a paper bag
The first thing that any doctor will tell you to do during a panic attack is breathe. Sometimes they will tell you to breathe in to a paper bag. This is a good idea.

When you have a panic attack your heart rate will go up. You will start to breathe faster and this elevates the level of oxygen in your blood. Not a great thing. When you have too much oxygen in your blood you will be tricked into thinking you are short of breathe but in actual fact you have too much breathe! Breathing fast causes your body to hold on to too much oxygen and not enough carbon dioxide and as such you start to feel dizzy and short of breathe.

Breathing in to a paper helps balance this mess out because you are breathing in mostly carbon dioxide that you have already exhaled. This will slow down your hyperventilation and rebalance your oxygen levels.

2. Go outside into the open
After my first panic attack I was left feeling terrified and vulnerable. I had heard about panic attacks but I had never realized how bad they could be. One of the scariest things about the panic attack was that I felt completely confined and unable to escape the situation.

So the next time I felt a panic attack coming on I raced outside and down the road to the local park. This park near my house has a great big creek running through it and lots of trees and birds. It is very relaxing. I soon started to feel more open and spacious and no longer felt trapped by the panic.

Getting outside in the open is surprisingly effective. Often when we are having a panic attack we are indoors and alone. Going outside might seem like the last thing you want to do but I am certain that it helps.

3. Take a shower
As I mentioned, sometimes during a panic attack you can feel dizzy, sick and very panicked. I found that taking a nice hot shower really helped to calm me down.

Now this tip is not going to be for everyone. Some people like showers, other people don’t. If you are feeling the symptoms of an attack it might be a good idea to strip off and jump in the shower. The hot water, the repetitiveness of the water drops and the steam are all really good ways to slow down. When I had my panic attacks I used to sometimes sit down in the shower for five minutes while my mind settled.

Showering is nice because it is something physical. You get the bodily sensations as well as the mind relaxing. This body/mind combination can be really powerful – especially if you combine it with some slow breathing.

4. Practice some breathing meditation
The last thing you will feel like doing during a panic attack is sitting down and having a formal meditation session. However, I found that a simple breathing meditation really helped to calm me down.

The first thing I would do is remind myself that this panic attack was a good opportunity to learn to master my mind. If I could meditate during a panic attack surely I would be able to deal with anger, pride, attachment, etc. during normal life. This put me in good stead as I saw the panic attack as an opportunity instead of a negative event.

In my eBook Enlightening Stress Relief I talk about the Buddhist master Mingyur Rinpoche and his many battles with panic. There is a great video of Rinpoche on Youtube talking about how he dealt with panic using meditation so I thought I would let him do the explaining. Check it out:

5. Call a friend
Sometimes the best thing during a panic attack is to hear somebody’s voice. They reassure you that everything is going to be okay and they remind you that there is some perspective. Calling a friend can be a wonderful help.

However, there is a downside to relying on a friend. If your panic attacks become re-occurring events it might become tempting to call that person every time. You might make the mistake of thinking that you cannot get through the ordeal without them. This is a very bad thing. You do not want to become dependent on anyone else for your own happiness. It is important that you become strong on the inside.

Relying on a friend is fine if you need that support. Do not feel guilty about calling a friend – they will not mind – that is what they are there for. But do be careful about developing any unhealthy habits. This won’t help anyone.

6. Realize that you are going to be okay
One of the most important things to do during a panic attack is realize that you are going to be okay. Panic attacks do not last forever. You are not going crazy. You will be alright in a few minutes.

Panic attacks are thought to be caused by the part of the brain that governs our fight or flight reaction. If it feels threatened it will pump chemicals into the body that cause you to panic so you will get out of the harmful situation. This is all well and good if there were a threatening situation but most of the time panic attacks seem to come out of the blue or after a not so threatening situation.

Seeing as the panic attack is caused by a chemical reaction it is going to take some time for your symptoms to ease. Your body has just been flooded with hormones and you will not feel better immediately – even if your mind has calmed down a bit. Give yourself time and remind yourself that it will all be over soon. This goes a long way to reducing the severity of the situation.

7. Listen to some slow, rhythmic music
Music is a very powerful tool. It has the ability to change our moods in an instant. I found music to be a particularly useful tool when I was trying to deal with a panic attack.

The best music to listen to during a panic attack is something that is graceful, slow, melodic and rhythmic. I really like to turn on some Vivaldi or Mozart and listen to the happy and joyful songs of the violin and piano. Hip hop and other tracks with a bouncy and catchy baseline can also be beneficial.

See what works for you. Spend a few weeks listening to some new music and see what calms you down. Play that music during the times that you are feeling happy and relaxed (like in the bath) and then when you have an attack you can turn the music on and go back to that place.

Can you help?

If anyone out there has experienced a panic attack and has some suggestions or hopeful stories I would love you to share them. Please leave a comment and tell us what you did and what did/didn’t help. Your comment might really help someone who is going through these dreadful experiences.

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Moving house, losing a loved one, getting fired and getting divorced. These are the most stressful times in a person’s life. And other than the death of a loved one, divorce is by far the worst. It tears apart lives, damages relationships and affects everyone in the family. But as horrible as divorce is there are some things you can do to make the process a little bit healthier. In this post I am going to give you some tips on how to get divorced and how to reclaim your happiness after the event.

Just to be clear, this post will be broken in to two main sections:

• How to have a healthy divorce; and
• How to reclaim your happiness after the divorce.

Why is divorce so damn hard?

If you talk to someone who has been divorced they will tell you that it is the worst thing you can go through. It is especially hard if you do not want to get divorced and it is your partner that is initiating the process. But why does this hurt so much?

I believe that the reason divorce is so hard is because of habit. After many years of loving and caring about a person you finally have to say goodbye. And when you say goodbye to the person you also have to say goodbye to the little habits that every marriage has. A kiss on the cheek before work, a cuddle in the middle of the night, a glass of wine while watching TV before bed. There are hundreds of little things that the two of you do everyday that you are not going to do any more. And that is hard to accept.

Breaking these habits hurts so much because we are attached to them. We are attached to our way of life and we don’t like change. When it comes to our partner every single one of us has a lot of attachment.

But divorce is made harder by many things. If you have children then it is very hard. You don’t want the children to get hurt but at the same time you don’t want to lose custody of them. And divorce is made even harder if it is happening because your partner cheated. When this is the case it seems that the pervading emotion is anger, not sadness.

How to have a healthy divorce

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So you have made the decision to try to have a healthier divorce. You have made the decision to try and make the process less stressful, less harmful and more productive. Good for you! Here are some tips that you can try to apply to have a healthier divorce.

1. Speak honestly
It is extremely important in a divorce to say what you feel. Speak the truth. Many people hold back their true feelings because they think there is some small chance that the marriage flame might rekindle and you will get back together and as such you don’t want to say anything confrontational. This attitude does not help anyone and often you will come out of the divorce worse off than your partner. Make sure you speak honestly about how you are feeling and about how you want the divorce to run. Only with honesty will the right outcome emerge.

2. Don’t be angry – be clear
If you are going through a messy divorce then chances are you are angry. You are angry that years of marriage and love has come to this and you want revenge. Fair enough. But you need to stop for a second and consider whether anger is really the best option. Will anger get you what you want? Or, will your anger just make your partner angry and create a situation ten times worse than it was before?

I think it is important to set anger aside during the divorce and just be clear. Be clear about your assets and your legal requirements. Be clear about what the kids need during the process. And be clear about what you need in the process. Anger will not make things any easier. If you need to be angry then save it for when the divorce is over and you start grieving. But during the divorce you need to be clear, not angry.

3. Get some good support
During this time you are going to need support. Don’t try to do it alone. You need to be able to open up to someone about what you are feeling. If you don’t have a close friend you can turn to then go and see a counselor at least once a week to get some advice.

The reason this is so important is because it allows you to get things off your chest that might otherwise manifest as anger and hatred and cause you to blow up in your partners face. And every time you do that to your partner they are going to do the same thing to you. Make sure you get some good divorce. And don’t seek support from your children. They already have enough going on.

4. Be an adult
When I watched my parents getting divorced I would often listen to my mom or my dad having a whinge about how hard done by they were and think to myself, “Are your serious? What are you like 12 years old? Grow up!”

It is important to behave like an adult when you are getting divorced. For some reason, when people get separated they retreat back into this childlike state of mind and really start interacting with their partner at the level of a 12 year old. They complain about everything and make arguments that have no basis in logic. They behave in a manner that is completely unfitting of an adult. And it makes matters worse. Make sure you behave like an adult when you get divorced. The situation is yours so take some ownership of it and be strong.

5. Make a plan
Divorce is stressful because it takes your ordinary life and throws it up in to the air. Part of the reason people are so angry is because they afraid about the future. They aren’t sure where they are going or what they are going to do. For this reason it is extremely important to have a plan.

Make an appointment to see a lawyer, financial planner, priest or friend and spend a few hours coming up with a plan. Think about accommodation, dividing the assets, how much money you are going to need to relocate, etc. Try to cover all the issues and have a plan for the future. If you do this you will find you have a lot less fear and therefore a lot less anger. It will make the whole process a lot easier.

6. Keep the kids out of it
This is something I want to be very clear about. It relates to being an adult and claiming ownership of the divorce. Keep the kids out of it!

Many parents rely on their children when they are getting divorced. They talk to the kids about all the bad stuff that the other parent is doing and they give the children a lot of their baggage to carry around. You must realize that this is entirely inappropriate. At no time during the divorce should you share your problems with your kids. They are already struggling enough. They only thing you should tell your children is how much you love them. That is it.

7. Focus on the future
When you are getting divorced it is tempting to focus on the past. You look at all the good times that you shared and wondered where it went wrong. But if you want to have a healthy divorce it is important to focus on the future. Admit that this divorce is actually happening and try to create a harmonious and healthy situation for your future and the future of your children. If you focus on the past you will just get upset and angry and it will be difficult to proceed.

8. Make it as fast as possible
Divorce should be like a band-aid – ripped off quickly. Take a look at anyone in your life who has been through a divorce. The worst one’s are those that carry on for months and years with court cases, custody battles, bickering and fighting. You need to create a situation where the divorce can happen quickly and smoothly and with as little fuss as possible. The longer it takes the more chances there are for problems to arise.

How to reclaim your happiness after a divorce

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So we have looked at how you can make the divorce process itself a bit healthier and now I want to talk about how your can get your life and your happiness back after the event. It is hard and can sometimes be quite a long process but these tips should help.

1. See your ex as little as possible
As hard as it might be it is important to cut ties with your ex. Of course, this is impossible if you have children and you need to take them to your ex’s house every few days. But other than that you should really try to minimize the amount you see that person.

The reason is simple. Every time you see your ex you get a flood of emotions. You might realize that you still love them or start thinking that you made a mistake. Or you might see how happy they are and feel angry and hurt inside. You don’t need all that at this time. You need to get over it and to get over it you need to have a clear head.

Many people try to be friends with their ex because they do not want to admit that it is over. Being friends is sort of a middle ground that allows you to let go, but not fully. And I am sorry to say that it is not really a healthy thing. It is hard to be friends when you are grieving over a marriage and even harder if one person still is in love. Try to really minimize the amount of contact you have with your ex for at least a year after the divorce. If you still want to be friends after you have recovered then do it then. But don’t do it while you are hurting.

2. Remind yourself constantly of the positives
When my girlfriend of six years broke up with me I was devastated. All I could think about was the bad stuff. I thought about how much I missed her, how amazing she was and how much I still loved her. I made myself really unhappy by thinking about all the bad things.

During this time a friend told me that I needed to start thinking about the positives. He was quite forceful with me and told me that I needed to snap out of it and start reclaiming my happiness. He was right. I needed to start thinking about the positives and stop dwelling on all the negatives. So I started reminding myself about how I was now free to do whatever I want – travel, meditate, explore, etc. And this helped a lot.

The main positive that you need to focus on is that something good ALWAYS comes after something bad. I am a much stronger man for having lost my girlfriend. I became more independent, more adventurous and much more in charge of my own life. The break up helped me to realize that my happiness depended on me, not someone else. Make sure you start thinking about the positives and stop dwelling in the dark side if you want to be happy.

3. Reconnect with your passions
Sometimes a marriage can be quite constraining. You settle down, have kids and over time you forget what you are really interested in. You don’t have the time or the energy to pursue your passions and so your forget about them.

If you want to reclaim your happiness after the divorce you need to reconnect with your passions. You need to rediscover what it was like to be “you” before the marriage/divorce. What made you tick? What made you smile? What challenged you?

If you can devote some time you reconnecting with your true self you will find that happiness comes quite easily. It teaches you that you are more than just a husband and a wife and helps you to break that self identity. Reconnect with your passions in life and remember your individuality.

4. Forget about getting back together
Many people get divorced with the vague idea that one day they might get back together when all the problems are sorted out and everything is going smoothly. Forget about it.

This kind of attitude is not very healthy because it is placing your hope and your happiness in somebody else. It is like holding your breath for a number of years and hoping that something good is going to happen. It is silly. You are divorced, you are on your own and you need to start behaving like that. Don’t hold on to some hope that you will get back together because that hope prevents you from finding your own individual happiness and moving on with your life.

5. Remember you are not the only one
When you get divorced it is easy to feel like you are the only one in the world who is going through something so bad. You feel like everyone else has it easy and that you are doing it tough. But, in reality, millions of people have been divorced and 99.99% of them have coped.

When you are feeling like your life is the worst life in the world you need to remind yourself that plenty of other men and women around the world have done this. In fact, with the current divorce rates being as high as they are there are literally thousands of other people going through what you are going through right now. Reminding yourself of this fact gives you some strength – if they can survive a divorce then so can I.

6. Reconnect with family and friends
When you are married your life becomes about your spouse and your children. Sure, you have the occasional dinner party or family barbecue but for the most part you are focused on the marriage. So when you get divorced you feel quite lonely because you are so used to having that person around. It is time to reconnect with family and friends.

One of the best things I did during my big break up was start going back to martial arts classes. It was during this time that I truly realized that I was not at all alone and that I had so many other people who loved and cared about me. My brother would come along with me and we spent the first few weeks training, eating, drinking and hanging out together. It was a real gift he gave me.

I strongly urge anyone going through a divorce to have as much contact with friends and family as possible. They are there for you. They will support you. And knowing that other people love you to bits is a really good thing to know.

7. Realize that you are allowed to be sad
You have just gone through what is known to be one of the four hardest things a human being can go through. You have gotten a divorce. I want you to understand that it is okay to be sad right now. It really is okay.

For some reason we always need to be happy. We need pleasant events all the time. We cannot deal with even a little bit of hardship. But what I want you to think about is this: it is okay to be depressed. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to feel like you do. Don’t feel like you have to be all better in a week. Or a month. You will feel shit for a while. And that is okay.

Now, I am not saying it is okay to wallow in that sadness forever. But I am saying that you are allowed to feel crap occasionally. Don’t punish yourself for having those emotions because that really isn’t going to help your situation.

8. Think about impermanence
Something that is really important to consider is impermanence. At the moment you are probably feeling like this depression is never going to go away. But it will. All thoughts are impermanent. None of them last. The next time you feel terrible and are trapped in a pit of uncontrollable sadness remember this: it won’t last long.

9. Tell Tom Cruise to get f#$ked!
We have all seen Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire utter the famous line “You COMPLETE me”. Wow! Powerful stuff. But, in my opinion, that one line in that one movie has done more to damage healthy relationships than just about anything else in modern times.

Let’s get this straight. You are not completed by your ex-husband or ex-wife. You are a whole person. You are an individual. The idea that someone else completes you is 100% steaming hot bullshit.

If you want to reclaim your happiness you really need to tell the Tom Cruise in your head to f#$k off. You don’t need phrases like “its the end of my life” and “he was my soul mate” and “she was my everything” holding you back. Because these phrases are lies. They aren’t true. No one is your one and only soul mate. No one completes you. Make sure you understand that your happiness depends on you and your relationship with yourself.

10. Don’t sit around and watch your life fly away
This is the last tip I am going to give and I think it is the most important. This human life is precious. You only have about 70 or 80 years on this planet. And then you are gone forever. Do you really have time to sit around worrying about you ex? Do you really have time to be depressed? Get out there and make the most of this opportunity called life.

Conclusion

Divorce is a tough time on everyone. But with the right help and the right attitude you can get through it in a healthy way. The tips I have written about here are just some starters for you to think about. But if you really want to do things properly I encourage you to go and seek advice from a professional. And remember – there is light at the end of the divorce tunnel.

If anyone else has some tips to share please leave a comment and let us know. It could really help someone who reads this post.

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The world financial market is looking pretty shady. Stock markets around the world continue to drop after weeks of losses and many indicators show that we are heading for a major crisis. In this post I want to give you a few ways to mentally prepare for a financial crisis so that if it happens you are better able to cope.

Do we need to prepare ourselves?

There is no way of knowing how bad this financial crisis is going to get. For some people it is already serious. If you had a lot of superannuation in the stock market you might already be hurting. Some indicators are showing that the crisis is easing, while others show us that it is getting worse. I do not know how bad it is going to end up. What I do know, however, is that people who prepare themselves early always come out of a crisis better than those who don’t. That is why I am writing this post for my readers.

How to mentally prepare for a financial crisis

The following tips are designed to help you cope with the cards you are dealt. I am not going to give you any secret stock picks or sound financial advice. What I am going to give you, however, are some practical things that you can do in order to put yourself in a better mental position if and when the worst happens.

1. Don’t panic. Just don’t.
The first thing you need to learn is that panic gets you absolutely no where. I have been in one or two life threatening situations in my life time and I am not sure how well I would have fared if I panicked. Now I am not saying that this economic stuff is going to get life threatening. It’s not. But what I am saying is that in any scary situation you need to know that panic doesn’t help.

Every time you see a little bit of panic creeping in to your mind just repeat “panic doesn’t help anyone”. It doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help others. The first step to dealing with a financial crisis is to learn how to keep your panic under control.

2. Learn your stuff
The people who do well in these times are the people who know their stuff. They know how the stock market works, they know where their money is kept and they know how to react if something bad happens. A relative of mine made many millions of dollars a few months back when he predicted the stock market crash and sold all of his shares. He is now sitting on a big pile of cash instead of worrying about his stock prices. He was able to do this because he knew his stuff.

It would be a good idea to spend a few minutes every day from on learning about the stock market and how to best optimize your money. Look at diversifying your investments. Look at maybe shifting money in to more stable economic climates. Read, read, read. If you learn your stuff you will be better able to react when something bad happens.

The other advantage of study is that it puts your mind at ease. There is a lot less panic in people who are educated on the problem. Look at doctors and nurses in the Emergency Room. If I got presented with a patient who had just had his face cut off by a circular saw I would probably run out of the hospital screaming. But a doctor or nurse would know exactly what to do and be relatively panic free. This is the same for the financial crisis. Learn your stuff.

3. Don’t watch too much mainstream American News
Please don’t get angry with me but American News channels are all about panic. They feed off of it. Their ratings depend on it. If they get you scared you will watch more news because you “need” to know what is going on. It is very sensationalistic.

News from other corners of the globe usually seems to be more moderate. Moderate sometimes means boring as hell but it also means you get less scared. They present the facts and don’t go too much in to the “ratings grabbing” stuff.

Find a news channel that has a good worldwide reputation and is known for fact checking. I like to watch BBC News but there are many other good options out there. People in America might prefer PBS News which also has an excellent reputation.

4. Realize that it is just money
I always feel a bit uneasy when I tell people “it is just money”. The reason I feel uneasy is because for a lot of people “just money” is more important than anything else. They spend their whole life earning it and giving it up is not an easy task.

But it is “just money”. The financial crisis is not going to kidnap your children or cause you to develop a malignant cancer. It is just money. You will be okay. Your family will be okay. When a crisis like this hits it is important to shift your perspective and look at all the positive things that are going on in your life.

I heard news recently that many people have committed suicide because they have lost so much in the stock market crash. This makes me extremely sad. For these people it was not “just money” – it was a part of themselves. Please do not let yourself fall in to the trap of thinking that you are your money. Please do not feel like a a failure if you lose your life savings. You CAN start again. You are NOT alone. The sun will still rise tomorrow. The financial crisis will not last forever.

5. Kick yourself in the mind-butt and toughen up!
Today I went in to get a deep tissue massage. This is a type of massage where the physiotherapist presses so deep in to my muscles and tendons in order to realign my back that I often feel like I am going to vomit. It is the most painful thing I have ever endured.

Today, while he was using his thumb to try and rub my spine through my stomach (or so it seemed!) I yelped, “oh god that hurts” and let out a sound that was half pig snort, half baby cry. I was trying to express how much it hurt but instead of slowing down he looked at me and said, “man up” and proceeded to press harder.

At that point I realized how much pain a human being can take depends on your mental attitude. After he had told me to toughen up I seemed more able to deal with it. The pain hadn’t changed, but my mental attitude had.

If a financial crisis hits and you lose a lot of money your lifestyle is going to change. For some people it already has. If this happens you need to kick yourself in the mind-butt and toughen up. You need to realize that you are an incredibly resilient human being and that you can deal with anything if you need to.

6. Don’t talk about the financial crisis with scared people
The day before I sat my final high school exams my father pulled me aside to give me some advice. He said, “Listen son. When you go to that exam hall don’t go and talk to any of your friends. All they will do is remind you of things you have forgotten to learn and pass their anxieties on to you. Sit by yourself, revise your notes and then go in to the exam alone and strong.”

It was probably the best advice he ever gave me.

People are scared about the economy right now. They are watching American News and they are fearing the worst. If you go and try to talk to them all it is going to do is add water to the whirlpool. It isn’t going to solve any problems. Neither of you have any real answers so the conversation will bear no realistic solutions. It is the same as going in to a final exam and chatting to the kids who spent the study period getting drunk. All it does is bring you down.

7. Discover the law of impermanence
What goes up must come down. What is compounded must eventually break. Nothing lasts forever. Realizing the law of impermanence is a excellent way to mentally prepare yourself for an economic meltdown.

This financial crisis was bound to happen. Rapid growth cannot occur forever. There is always going to be a trough after a peak. Nothing lasts forever. Assets included.

But the same is also true of the crisis itself. Whatever downturn we are about to experience will not last forever. It can’t. We might have a few years of tough times but things will surely pick up again as they have in the past and will do so in the future. Anytime you think that your are having a really hard time because of the financial crisis remember the law of impermanence – it won’t last.

Conclusion

I truly believe that we all have the ability to deal with difficult circumstances. Throughout history there are examples of humans who have endured terrible hardships – wars, torture, disease, famine – what is a little financial crisis compared with that? I hope the points in this article help some of you prepare for any difficult times that might be ahead.

If anyone has any other pointers please leave a comment because it might really help someone.

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“The only difference between Buddhas and ordinary beings is discipline.” – Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche (1920 – 1996) a great Buddhist meditation master.

When you hear the word “discipline” do you think of Samurais, Shaolin Warriors and Buddhist Monks? Do you think about professional football players or perhaps members of the armed forces? Do you feel like it is something that is reserved only for a few dedicated and extremely tough individuals? Well it isn’t.

This post is the complete guide to developing self-discipline that lasts. Not self-discipline that lasts one or two weeks. Discipline that lasts your entire life. Once you have developed this, anything is possible. The guide is based on lessons and tips I have learned from many successful people who have mastered self discipline. I, however, have a long way to go.

Why we lack self-discipline in the first place

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What is the one thing a person needs to attain their goals and dreams? Self-discipline. Sure there might be a place for influential contacts, money and natural ability but in the end it comes down to discipline. It is the one part of the “success equation” that you cannot do without. Every great person has possessed it. So why are we lacking in self-discipline?

Well, the answer is actually pretty simple. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work it out.

We are all spoiled.

That’s right. Spoiled. Now don’t go an get all offended on me. I am not personally attacking anyone. I am saying that in general, as a culture, we are a pretty spoiled bunch. We have televisions to occupy us, internet social sites to keep us connected, alcohol to numb our depression and a fair amount of money to spend on short term entertainment. We are pretty spoiled. It is called instant gratification.

I am not saying that everyone here has it easy. You don’t. Many of you (I know because you email me) have mortgages the size of Everest and children to feed. This is not an easy life. Far from it. In fact, you might already have more discipline than you think!

The reason I say that we are spoiled is not to make you feel guilty or ashamed. It is to highlight the fact that, other than the things like work and family, we have it pretty easy. When we want to be entertained we just flick a button. When we want some food we just go to the supermarket. When we want to be satisfied we just… well… you know…

We have grown accustomed to getting things quickly. And when our dreams, goals and ambitions don’t come as quick as everything else we lose motivation. We lose self-discipline. After all, why would we work on something that is arduous and difficult when we could be watching TV? Instant is so much quicker.

Why we need self-discipline to be successful and happy

Okay, I’ll admit it. Instant gratification is pretty good. I like a good drive-through meal as much as the next person. But is it truly satisfying? Does it forever quench your desire leaving you in a permanent state of bliss?

Not really…

AIGD
In fact, instant gratification makes you more unhappy. Sooner or later that instant gratification will not satisfy you and you will need something bigger and better to make you feel good right away. And when that loses its appeal you are going to need something bigger again. Finally, as often happens to many wealthy adults, you have a midlife crisis because your life is so god damned hollow. The new sports car is probably the ultimate symbol of AIGD (advanced instant gratification disorder) – it’s quick attempt to recapture one’s youth, a time in your life when gratification was so much simpler.

Enter self-discipline.

How would our life be if we had more self-discipline and were able to work towards and achieve things that really meant something to us? Would we be happier if we chose hard work over instant gratification? I am betting so.

Sunday School and self-discipline
Before I go on I need to clear something up. When I say self-discipline I am not talking about the kind that your Sunday School teacher taught you when you were 12. I am not saying that you need to control your impulses because pleasure and gratification and the Devil’s tools. Self-discipline is not about guilt or shame or religion. Sure, the Sunday School teacher might have been preaching about AIGD but that is another story entirely.

The self-discipline I am talking about is the kind where you use your internal will power to choose something better for yourself. It is where you cognitively decide that you are going to work towards a goal and achieve that goal without being sidetracked by “instant” distractions. The self-discipline I am speaking of is all about developing a mentality where you can fix your mind on something and achieve it.

Why we need it
The reason we need self-discipline is simple. Everything that is worthwhile achieving takes discipline to achieve. Think about the most common goals that people have:

• Fat loss and dieting
• Better fitness
• Enlightenment
• College degrees and other qualifications
• Meditation
• Helping people
• Etc.

All of these pursuits take self-discipline. It is impossible to lose weight with out self-discipline. It is impossible to get a college education without self-discipline. Anything that you can think of that you would like to achieve or work towards will take a large amount of self-discipline to pull off. And that is why we need to develop more of it.

How to develop self-discipline that lasts

photo credit: P!ndaro

Now that I have talked about why we are lacking in self-discipline and why we need self-discipline I want to get on to the core of the guide and talk about how we can go about developing it. Remember, self-discipline is not something that you can whip up out of thin air. It takes a long time and a lot of courage to develop. But the results are well worth the effort.

1. Find short term and long term motivation and work on it
Motivation is essential if you want to develop self-discipline. If you look at someone like Barack Obama who has been on the Presidential campaign trail for months now, you will see that a good motivation is something you cannot do without. Senator Obama would have fizzled out and quit by now if he did not have an excellent motivation. The same is true of anyone who has been working towards something for an extended amount of time.

Short term motivation is something basic like having enough money to feed your family or doing something because it is going to help someone right away. These motivations are easy to come by but they have a problem – they don’t last. If you want to develop self-discipline you need a motivation in the long term as well.

In the Buddhist tradition the monks and yogis are able to be so disciplined because they have something called Bodhicitta. This is roughly translated as the mind of enlightenment and is the motivation to use every thought, word and action to benefit other beings. It was this motivation that allowed so many Tibetan monks to endure the worst torture under the Chinese genocide in the 50’s and 60’s without fighting back. It is this motivation that allows them to stay in solitary retreat for 20 years. A motivation such as this one can get you through a lot of tough times.

Once you have found that motivation it is then important to cultivate it. If you decide you want to work for the benefit of others don’t just think about it once and then forget it. Remind yourself of it all the time. When things get tough try to remember why you are doing it. If you do this you can strengthen your mind and your resolve and stay focused on your task.

2. Find some inspirational figures to imitate
Sometimes we lose control. Sometimes the world breaks us down and we feel like we can’t go on. It is all too hard. It is times like these that we need someone to look up to. It is times like these we need to ask, “What would Buffy do?”

Okay, so maybe Buffy the Vampire Slayer is not the best inspiration figure to pick, but, each to their own! If you are an aspiring Vampire Slayer than Buffy is an extremely good figure. It is a good idea to find an inspiration figure in the field that you are working in. Some examples might be (please excuse the excessive use of pop-culture heros):

• Ethics: Dalai Lama, Gandhi, Mother Teresa
• Martial Arts: Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Bodhidharma, Ghost Dog
• Wealth: Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, MC Hammer
• Politics: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, Sarah Palin
• Sport: Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Michael Johnson

Okay so not all of them are good examples either. But you get the idea. When you feel down in the dumps it is fantastic to think “what would [insert hero] do” and then rely on that judgment. Sometimes two heads are better than one.

3. Make reverse escalation work for you
Remember earlier on in this guide when I talked about how instant gratification doesn’t satisfy you but instead causes you to be more and more insatiable forcing you to look for bigger and better “hits”? Well it is called escalation and it is a common problem among addicts (coffee, alcohol, drugs). However, escalation can work for you instead of against you if you know how to do it.

It’s called reverse escalation and it is a lot like how meditation works. The principle is simple: if instant gratification makes you more likely to need some bigger form of gratification, then you can apply that theory in reverse.

Next time you are working on your primary goal and you feel like giving up and going to watch television, try holding out for five minutes longer where you would have normally just got up and crashed on the couch. If you can do that, then next time go for six minutes. Try this with every distraction that comes up.

What you will be doing is essentially escalating your good qualities instead of your bad ones. You are escalating the self-discipline. Soon “five minutes more” won’t seem that hard and you will be well on your way to developing a self-discipline that lasts.

4. Create a routine and stick to it
Routine is a powerful word. One of the best ways you can develop self-discipline that lasts is by giving yourself a routine.

I remember hearing a story from a meditation practitioner who was having trouble getting past the basic preliminarily stages. Finally he went to his Tibetan meditation teacher in sheer despair and asked him for some advice. His teacher thought for a moment and then replied, “Rou-teeeen”.

“What’s that?” he clarified with the master thinking he was about to be told the esoteric secret to meditation.

“Rou-teeeen… you know… morning and night,” the teacher said in broken English.

“Oh. Right. Gotcha. Routine.”

Routine isn’t that esoteric but it is the secret to meditation. It is the secret to just about everything. If you can get yourself in a routine that facilitates and encourages your self-discipline then you will be well on your way to victory.

Again, this is not rocket science but a simple fact that has worked for many great people. Athletes have routine training times, yogis and monks have a daily practice routine, etc. Find a routine that works for you and then stick to it until your self-discipline is strong enough that you can break it from time to time without losing track.

5. Don’t overdo it
One of the big mistakes that I think people make is to do too much too soon. It is very important not to overdo it at any stage of the game.

Take the example of my final year in high school. Our school had midyear exams in third term because they thought it prepared us better for the finals (the one’s that count) because we had studied three terms worth of material instead of two. The problem? I burnt out after the midyears. I was so exhausted after the midyear exams that I said “F$%K it!” and gave up. I did too much too soon and there was no way of sustaining it until the end of finals.

Lucky for me I did well in the finals despite not doing a day of study. Literally. Ask my friend Alex who reads this blog and he will tell you I was down at his house playing basketball everyday. Looking back I don’t know how I even passed. But there is a lesson here for anyone who tries to do too much too soon. You run the risk of burning out. It is a much more intelligent idea to go slow and steady when it comes to long term self-discipline. It is a marathon, not a sprint race.

6. Use rewards (and maybe punishment)
Let me tell you a story. My first management lecture in business college. I sat down in the dark hall with 600 other nervous kids and the lecturer booms out over the mic, “How do you get workers to work harder?”

Silence.

“Come one. How do you get employees in a firm to work harder?” he repeated.

“Give them more money!” one brave kid answered.

“Brilliant!” the lecturer replied. “And soon you won’t have a firm left.”

The teacher went on to explain that there are two loose schools of thought on the matter and it depends heavily on whether you are American or not. Studies have shown that Americans are so used to being told they “worthy”, “good” and “capable of anything” that they work harder when they are given positive reinforcement. Almost every other country, on the other hand, works harder when you tell them they aren’t capable!

“If your firm is in America,” the lecturer continued, “tell them you can do it! If your firm is anywhere else, tell them they can’t.”

While I have doubts about the practical application of this theory in a business setting (I’m not sure about telling a room full of workers they suck!) it is a really good lesson for developing self-discipline. Are you the type of person who responds to punishment or rewards? I’ll give you an example. Would you be more likely to work for one hour on your personal goal if I gave you a $50 note or if I threatened to take away your car for a week?

Think about which one you are and then put a system in place to help you develop the behavior that you want. Self-discipline, in my opinion, happens quite easily when there is a nice carrot at the end of the stick.

Conclusion

Developing self-discipline is one of the most rewarding undertakings you will ever embark on. It is only through self-discipline that your dreams and goals can be attained and as such you should give as much attention to it as possible. Use the tips I have outlined in this guide but make sure you only apply what works for you. Routine, rewards, etc. are all simple and effective ways to help you develop self-discipline that lasts a life time. Good luck!

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“Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.”

- John Berridge

Throughout my teen years and early adulthood I was constantly afflicted by fear. I was afraid of midnight robbers, contracting exotic illnesses and losing my loved ones. I was afraid of change. Deathly afraid of change. But thanks to some “events” that took place at the most dangerous place on Earth I am now living my life with more bravery.

Today I’ll share these events in the hope that they might help you conquer your fears and develop some real world bravery.

Why I used to be afraid: the effects of my father

When I look back to my childhood, high school days and early adulthood I see that I wasted a lot of time being afraid. The fear was complex and multi-layered – diseases, death, punishment, lost family members, change, war, etc. I was afraid of a lot of stuff!

If I think about it with my “adult hat” on I reckon it probably had a lot to do with my father. He was a bit of drinker and while he was a good man (for the most part) he did do a lot of things that made my siblings and I fearful people. Things around our house were never stable or secure. We were always worried about what state he would come home from work in, and how he would react to our behaviors. It was touch and go for a long time.

When you are afraid of your father you generally grow up to be afraid of lots of things in life. You have trust issues. You are afraid of committing to people because you are afraid they will wrong you. You are afraid of chasing your dreams because it might not work out. And you are afraid of ending up like him.

A quick look at any psychology textbook will show you that a huge majority of our neurosis’ come from our parents and the way they taught us to cope with things and the way they brought us up. But do you know what the biggest way they influenced us was? It was the way they themselves behaved and lived. Their example. A child’s impressionable little mind picks up everything. Every fight with mom, every bad day at work and every bad vibe. Everything. And these impressions stay with us for the rest of our lives or at least until we are mature enough to start changing them.

A lot of my fear came from my father because he lived his life in fear while I was growing up. I can’t remember a single example where my dad taught me about bravery through his actions. I think thats why I was afraid for a long time. It was all I knew how to do.

What are you afraid of?

Do you have a lot of fear in your life? Are you not as brave as you should be? Some common fears include:

• Fear of flying
• Fear of commitment
• Fear of disease and death
• Fear of war
• Fear of failure
• Fear of success (yes, success)
• Etc.

The lessons I learned at the scariest place on Earth have helped me with all of these fears. I now have a set of tools I can use whenever fear rears its ugly head.

Conquering fear at the scariest place on Earth

Picture this. You are in place that has the highest crime rate in the world outside of Iraq. A place where you can’t go out after dark because bandits will rob, rape or kidnap you. A place where 55% of the Government officials are convicted murderers, rapists or fraudsters. Picture yourself as a young white boy with curly blond hair. Picture yourself stranded there at 3am while hundreds of onlookers peer out from behind their scarf-wrapped faces wondering what the hell you are doing there.

That’s the situation I was in straight out of first year college. My first overseas trip. I was sure it was going to be my last.

I had caught the wrong train. Plain and simple. It was my fault. I was supposed to catch the overnight train so that I would arrive at this hell-hole during light hours. But, lackadaisical me, I had caught the wrong train AND gotten off three stops to early. I was in the middle of f$%en no where!

Standing there with two massive backpacks watching the train depart the station at an alarmingly fast pace I realized I had two choices. I could panic or I could be brave. At first panic seemed like a good idea. After all, the heavy breathing was happening quite naturally – all that I had to do was introduce some screaming and the panic would be complete. But as I thought about all the things that I wanted from my life, namely living it, I decided that I would be brave and get myself out of this situation.

Here is what I did and recommend you do if you want to overcome fear:

Calm down
The first thing I did once I decided I needed to act was pick up my bags and find somewhere I could sit and calm down. I chose the public toilet. Due to the fact that I was already feeling nauseous from the fear this was not the most intelligent of ideas. It was smelly. But, the toilet gave me a locked door and a private space to sit and calm down before I moved on next.

If you have a lot of fear the first thing you need to do is settle your mind. If you are panicking and fearful you will not be able to move on to the next step so it is extremely important that you find a way to calm yourself down.

Get help
Once I had calmed down enough I decided that I needed to get some help. This sounds simpler than it actually was. In a place where the police are often responsible for a lot of the crime I realized that getting some good advice was going to be tricky. So who could I trust? I scanned the train station for ideas: the 30 year old man with a leather jacket and gold watch? Nope. The hermaphrodite selling drugs? Nope. The old guy with the tea stall? Bingo!

I don’t really know why I chose this guy. I think it was because he reminded me of my grandpa. He looked worn from hard honest work and probably supporting a family. He had his tea stall open at 3am after all. I walked straight up to him, handed him a big wad of money (not worth much back home) and asked him in my politest voice to help me find my way to my destination motel without getting kidnapped. It worked. He gave me step by step instructions that proved most useful.

When you have a lot of fear it helps if you can get some more objective information. Fear often clouds your judgment and makes it difficult to choose the best choice of action. You might have a mental image of a brave person just running in to a seemingly hopeless situation in order to save the day. I am betting they wouldn’t do this unless they had information or knowledge telling them their odds were good. Being brave doesn’t mean being stupid. Part of being brave is knowing when to ask for help.

Trust yourself
Once I had the information from the tea stall owner I had the sudden realization that it was now up to me. He had given me the tips that I needed but he wasn’t able to take the frightening journey for me. No matter how much I wanted to pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare I realized that it was up to me and me only to get myself out of there safely. And to do that I had to trust my judgment.

So I started walking in the direction the man had told me to go. If I came across some people that didn’t look right I just trusted my intuition and changed my route. If someone tried to lure me in to a car or offer me a ride I ignored them. It was working.

If you want to conquer your fear you need to trust yourself. Doubt is not going to get you anywhere. The bravest people always back themselves in every situation because they know there is no one else they can really truly rely on. A big part of overcoming fear is trusting that you know the best thing to do for your own situation.

Making it to the hotel

99.99% of the time your fear is unfounded. It is unnecessary. This was true of my ordeal in the scariest place on Earth. The drama was in my mind, not the outside world. I made it to my motel safe and sound and wondered why I had stressed myself out so badly over nothing.

Isn’t that what always seems to happen…

Conclusion

Life is extremely short. Statistically we might get 80 years but many of us get much less. When you look back on your life you will regret nothing more than having missed out on certain experiences because you were too afraid. It is even more bitter when the fear was unwarranted or illogical.

I hope something in this article might help you overcome your own fears. I would love to hear about your fears or how you have overcome them so please leave a comment if you have the time. It might really help someone.

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“If the problem can be solved then why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.” – Shantideva

Worrying has always been a special trait of mine. I like to worry about family, deadlines and serious illnesses that I might have contracted from using a public restroom. It if fair to say that a lot of my mental energy is spent on worry.

A few years ago (after a month long worrying episode) I decided that I had had enough of worrying so much and looked for some practical solutions to beat this stupid emotion. While I cannot profess to have defeated my worrying habit (my friends reading will attest to this) I have certainly learned a few good ways of dealing with it. Now I want to show you.

How to deal with worry and stop worrying

Worry consumes a lot of people. I am not the only one. The thing about worrying that is so crippling is that it lasts and lasts and lasts. Even though the event might be weeks or months off we still worry about it. Take the example of the dentist. People who are afraid of the dentist will think about it for weeks before their appointment. It is quite draining.

Here are some ways you can teach yourself to beat worry and live a more relaxed and happy life.

1. Learn to train your mind
One of the first things you need to realize is that you are in charge of your mind. It is NOT the other way around. Right now, as you are reading this post, I want you to realize for yourself that you are in control of your own mind. From this very moment on you will not let worry control you, you will now control the worry.

This is a small but very important detail to understand. Once you make the shift from “helpless” to “in control” there is a lot more you can do about the situation. Learning that you control you mind is the first step to beating worry.

2. Use logic to internally debate the worry

photo credit: larskflem

In Buddhism they have a very important text called The Seven Points of Mind Training. This text is all about using short “slogans” to train your unruly monkey mind. The idea is that whenever a disturbing emotion arises you use a slogan to combat that emotion. Over time your mind becomes so familiar with the slogans that the negative emotions are replaced with healthy ones. Masters of this text have complete control over their thoughts and emotions.

Let me give you an example. One of the slogans in the text is “Condense all blames in to one”. The idea behind this slogan is that whenever something bad happens you should consider that it is your own fault. At first you might think that this is a little strange. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic you might want to yell and scream at them. But this slogan is telling you that it is your own fault. Gradually, as you apply this slogan, you will start to see that even though someone cut you off in traffic it is your own fault that you got angry. There was nothing inherently “angry” in their action. The anger originated in your own mind. So, condense all blames in to one.

Back to the worry. There are many ways to overcome your worry by using logic. One of my favorites and the one that has helped me the most is the quote at the start of this post:

“If the problem can be solved then why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.” – Shantideva

There is something very real and practical about this quote. It almost laughs at you for worrying.

“Hey! Why are you worrying fool? If you can solve the problem then there is no point in worry. And, if you can’t solve the problem then your worrying is really not going to help you. So just forget it.”

The more you remind yourself that your worrying is not helping the easier it will be to overcome those thoughts. Use a bit of logic.

Let’s go back to the example of the dentist. You might be at the dentist for an hour and yet you spend two weeks worrying about it. Why? The dentist might cause you a tiny bit of pain for a few moments but you have spent two weeks being cranky and stressed over it. Why? The dentist, although uncomfortable, is actually making you healthy and well. So why worry? This type of logic is very good at fighting off the worry.

For more mind training slogans from the book The Seven Points of Mind Training check out this site.

3. Accept the worry and then let it go
Worry is probably there for a reason. I have a feeling that worry is something humans do to keep us alive. If we didn’t worry about germs and disease we wouldn’t get our children immunized. If we didn’t worry about car accidents we wouldn’t have driving lessons for six months in high school. The problem is that we have taken the worry too far.

A certain amount of worry is healthy but we have got an unbalanced sense of worry. We give a very unequal weighting to events when it comes to worry. Our proportions are wrong. For example, we spend the same amount of time worrying about an everyday thing like an assignment grade as we might about a potential health problem. We spend far too much time worrying about things that really don’t need to be worried about!

4. Don’t play out situations in your head
Something that a lot of people do is play out scenarios and situations in their mind. They think that by playing it out they are going to be able to sort it out. Wrong.

Let me give you an example. In high school I was in big trouble for something I didn’t do. It looked like I was going to get blamed for a pretty serious event that I had nothing to do with. And it took its toll on me. The worry set in and I stressed about it for days. I would sit at home and play out all the elements of the scenario in my head again and again. I would think to myself of all the different ways I could get out of it. I would think about all the possible reasons I had been blamed for it. Some part of me thought that the more I thought about it the more likely I would be to come up with a solution. Big mistake. In the end I turned up to school one day to be told that I was no longer in trouble, someone had confessed the had lied about me doing it. Problem solved.

We all do this. We all think that if we think about something a lot we will be more likely to think of a solution when in actual fact all we are doing is making ourselves sick and stressed.

Don’t play out situations in your head. It isn’t going to help.

5. Stop procrastinating and take action now

photo credit: Mr. Robot-o-Tron

I reckon about 95% of all worrying is due to procrastination. We all tend to put things off until the last minute and then spend all our time worrying about the event.

Take the example of a lump a woman might have found in her breast. It is probably nothing but she is worrying that it is breast cancer. Does she go to the doctor immediately? No. She worries about it for days and weeks. Finally a stressed and tense bundle of nerves she heads off to the doctor to find out it is a benign cyst. Sound like anyone you know?

Of course, like I said before, it is a good thing to worry in certain situations. But procrastinating should never be a cause of worry. If you think you have a serious illness then go to the doctor and get it sorted out tomorrow. Don’t let your fear and laziness and procrastination become the source of more worry. It really is quite illogical.

Conclusion

Worry is something that leads to stress and stress can make you sick. It impacts on the way you live your life and how you relate to other people. The great thing about worry, however, is that it can be a great object for your meditation and your personal progress. If you can get on top of worry you can get on top of anything.

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