Comments on: Ethical Dilemma #2 – Would You Tell Her?

By: tracy

tracy — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 18:32:03 +0000

Is he cheating with a man or woman? Your post doesn’t say & I ask as this did happen to a friend of mine.

The fiance(later husband) confessed it to the maid-of-honour. She kept her vow of secrecy. Result 6 months later: many ruined lives & relationships over this one & a nasty health scare. As it turns out, the “other man” wasn’t exactly faithful to the fiance….

Same thing could have happened had it been “another woman”. I know 3 women who had affairs with married men & not one of them was being ‘exclusive’ to the man, despite what the man was thinking.

Question: why do people who have affairs always think the other person is being honest?

By: Renise

Renise — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 16:09:23 +0000

A true “friend” wouldn’t place you in that type of position in the first place. Ergo, I owe no true faith and allegiance to someone who is not a true friend. I would spill it.

By: Meghan

Meghan — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 01:36:07 +0000

I’m with Karen, for the most part. Don’t make a promise like this. But, since it’s done, I say go back to the friend and say, “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this information except to give you a virtual hit in the head: My friends don’t cheat. You need to stop, now, — you’ve made a commitment to your fiancee. Go get checked out for STDs and STOP the affair. If you can’t/won’t stop, then cancel the wedding because you are not ready to get married.” Hand him the names of a couple of therapists and tell him that you are not qualified to be his therapist or his confessor.
Now, here is where I part with most of the writers here: Don’t tell the fiancee! What’s more, if the friend stops the affair, I don’t think HE should tell the fiancee either.
If he stops the affair, but tells the fiancee about it, he feels better, having “come clean,” and she now carries the burden. That’s not right.
If he gets caught, either he was careless with his condoms or because the woman he had the affair with doesn’t like being spurned and seeks out the fiancee on her own – which happens – he is going to have to deal with it.
A deadline is a great idea, but the deadline is “end the affair, or I’m not going to be your friend.” (Deadline means Tonight, not “I have to end the affair face-to-face and she’s in Peoria.”)
The friend should get his act together, pray that he hasn’t given her a disease, and keep this ugly secret a secret for the rest of his life.

By: Doug

Doug — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 17:04:05 +0000

I have learned to not make promises lightly. If someone asks, “If I tell you this, will you promise not to tell anyone?” The answer is, “No. If you tell me something that I need to share, I will share it. If you’re not OK with that, please don’t tell me.” It may be cold, but it is honest and helps you to always be ethical. So I would not have made promise #1.

In this situation I would tell me friend to confess to his financee. I would badger him until he did so. If he refused, I would inform him that I am going to tell her before I actually told and give him a deadline so he can ‘fess up if he wanted to.

By: Ethical Dilemma #3 - Would You Say Something? | The Daily Mind - Making the Daily Grind Meaningful

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 09:06:06 +0000

[...] and as such I have gained some terrific new perspectives. You can see some past Ethical Dilemmas here and [...]

By: John

John — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 06:01:33 +0000

What’s the biggest factor in determining the way your life unfolds?

By: Maria

Maria — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:24:46 +0000

I want to add that just because the guy made a mistake and broke his promise, it doesn’t mean that he ought to forfeit all expectations that others would keep their promises to him. People are not without value, or morals, or all bad because they made a mistake. After all, who hasn’t (made a mistake)?

By: Maria

Maria — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:17:35 +0000

First, I ought to keep my promise to my friend that I wouldn’t tell. Second, BUT I would want to know if my partner had another intimate relationship. I thought about this for several days. Going back and forth between telling her and keeping my promise. I decided that I would keep my promise.

I know my friend doesn’t want me to tell her. I know I promised not to tell her. I think that she would want to know because I would want to know but I don’t know that she would want to know. So, I think if I told her I’d be doing it for me and not for her. I’d be making it all about me!

The only thing that I can do in this situation is decide whether I will keep my word to my friend. Now, that is all about me.

By: Tim

Tim — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:15:35 +0000

This is an interesting situation. Do you break a promise, or continue to allow one of your friends to be cheated on? The obvious thing would be to never have made the promise in the first place. However, since that is no longer an option, a new choice has to be made about the situation.

One way of looking at it is like this: Keeping a promise like that could cause you to feel bad and cause inner-turmoil because the promise you made is one that is inadvertently hurting a friend. One the other hand you could cause inner-turmoil because you made a promise and then broke it. The solution in this situation might be to choose the option that causes less turmoil for yourself. This could be viewed as a selfish solution.

Another way of looking at it: This is not your problem. You chose to make a promise not to say anything because you wanted to take yourself back out of the situation. By promising not to ay anything you can remove yourself from the situation and no longer be a part of it. You go on acting as if you had never heard anything in the first place. By not saying anything its almost as if you never knew. Besides you would hate to ruin a friendship. This could also be considered selfish.

My personal thought is that you should tell her about the cheating that is taking place. First, the guy has already broken a promise he has made to her and does not deserve the curtsey of your promise. Second, it is a promise that you should not have made in the first place, and both you, and the guy you made the promise to, know it. Third, you are saving future heartbreak. Fourth (and in my opinion the most important), you are now helping him cheat by allowing it to continue, whether you condone it or not. If the S*** ever hit the fan you would be lumped into the whole thing with him.

Either way i would tell the guy i made the promise to that i was going to tell her. I would explain why, and tell him that i should have never made the promise to begin with. I would not allow him to do something like that. I would then remind him that if it ruins our friendship, it was his fault for risking our friendship by bringing that situation into it.

By: Bhumi

Bhumi — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 20:05:15 +0000

I would flat out tell her… I wouldnt even feel bad for not keeping the secret.
Its always better knowing.