Comments on: Say What You Need to Say. Here. http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/ Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:37:42 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Rebecca http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23715 Rebecca Wed, 17 Feb 2010 16:29:37 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23715 You would never know any of this by just looking at me and my family. My mom is a science teacher, my step dad a chef, my oldest sister a lawyer, the one went to f.i.t. and had a job with designing, and the other is in college. I'm tall and pretty, even though I don't feel like it and I don't take care of myself, I have pimples and I hardly brush my hair, but I still see the looks guys give when I walk into a bar. I hate it. I hate that I notice that. I hate that a part of me wants to feel used because thats what I know. I hate my mind for seeing that man and like a switch, turning into a machine I think about him wanting me so I just go to him. But I don't want that. It hurts me. I'm still in the cycle of hurting myself. I'm trying to fix it. It's hard to do it by yourself. I'm eating healthy, I'm reading lots of books, I'm getting into practicing Buddhism seriously, I've recently started going to a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, I'm seeing a nutrionist, a physical therapist. With all of those people helping I still wish I had other's helping, I wish my family would help. My friends. But then I feel selfish. They don't know what to do. They are suffering themselves. I'm not meeting them half way. I don't have strength to meet anyone half way. And they don't either. I wish someone was strong enough to go all the way into my heart, who wasn't afraid to see what I see and to help me. But I don't think there is someone like that. So I'm trying to help myself since other's can't. Maybe that strong person I'm looking for is myself. Maybe I have to let myself into my heart. I don't know. You would never know any of this by just looking at me and my family. My mom is a science teacher, my step dad a chef, my oldest sister a lawyer, the one went to f.i.t. and had a job with designing, and the other is in college. I’m tall and pretty, even though I don’t feel like it and I don’t take care of myself, I have pimples and I hardly brush my hair, but I still see the looks guys give when I walk into a bar. I hate it. I hate that I notice that. I hate that a part of me wants to feel used because thats what I know. I hate my mind for seeing that man and like a switch, turning into a machine I think about him wanting me so I just go to him. But I don’t want that. It hurts me. I’m still in the cycle of hurting myself. I’m trying to fix it. It’s hard to do it by yourself. I’m eating healthy, I’m reading lots of books, I’m getting into practicing Buddhism seriously, I’ve recently started going to a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, I’m seeing a nutrionist, a physical therapist. With all of those people helping I still wish I had other’s helping, I wish my family would help. My friends. But then I feel selfish. They don’t know what to do. They are suffering themselves. I’m not meeting them half way. I don’t have strength to meet anyone half way. And they don’t either. I wish someone was strong enough to go all the way into my heart, who wasn’t afraid to see what I see and to help me. But I don’t think there is someone like that. So I’m trying to help myself since other’s can’t. Maybe that strong person I’m looking for is myself. Maybe I have to let myself into my heart. I don’t know.

]]> By: Rebecca http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23714 Rebecca Wed, 17 Feb 2010 16:26:49 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23714 To everyone in my life, I was a good kid. Athletic, loved to climb trees and be outdoors and just having fun with whatever that was. Good natured, sensitive, bright student, won awards, kind and easy going. I was friends with everyone. I even thought of my 3 older sisters as friends, and two of them had horrible tempers and anger issues and made my life hell. But I was never affected by it and never got angry myself. Until I was around 13 and 14. I started becoming angry and not caring about school. Which is a pretty normal thing to experience at this age. But I also became very depressed and hostile. At my teachers, and my mom. I started drinking a lot and doing harmful things to myself. My high school experience was a blur, and I don't think it was like most other kids. I was habitually in and out of hospitals, rehabs, therapist offices, stranger's beds, black outs and acts of attempted suicide. No one knew what was happening to me and no one knew what to do. Those are the exact words that my mom uses to explain herself to me when I tell her I felt abandoned. I had one friend always by my side through out high school, but now I am not sure if she was a friend. Sometimes I wonder if she is partly to blame. It would be easier to say that. I had a boyfriend. We were just starting to get to know each other one summer before he left to study abroad in Barcelona. We stayed in touch the whole time he was there and grew closer, and when he came back we started dating. We dated for 3 months until he broke up with me to go to college. He told me the reason that he wanted to break up was because, being so far away, he wouldn't be able to take care of me. He told me I'm smart, beautiful, kind and funny. He said I need to stop drinking, do well in school, so then I can go to the college he's in. And he didn't like my friend, he didn't like the way she felt, or didn't feel. After that I became even more depressed and introverted. I started viewing my friend differently and noticing that she didn't care or acknowledge my feelings most of the time. And when I decided to stop smoking weed bc of a bad acid trip, she started ditching me to hang out with other ppl who smoked. Soon we stopped talking and she went around telling ppl that I stopped talking to her bc I went crazy. I'm torn because I still think that I love these two ppl. After high school I became very isolated. I wanted to prove to my X boyfriend that I could change. So I stopped drinking (tried to) and stopped hanging out with people, with anyone. I started working in a nursing home as a CNA for 6 months. I learned a lot there, and I don't know if it was good or bad. Then, with enough money I traveled to Japan with my friend from high school who is japanese. I came back and went back to my life as a bum. Living at home on the couch jobless. Then 4 months later when summer came around I got jobs painting houses and waitressing. I saved up more money, and in February I took off for Bolivia. I had decided that I wanted to do some sort of volunteer work with animals, and I found this great refuge in Villa Tunari Bolivia. I was the sole care taker of 8 baby monkeys for two months. I loved Bolivia so much. Even though I had an extraordinary experience it was also scary, and I was still severely depressed so I had my up and down moments. I'm getting too wordy. To sum things up quickly so I can get to where I'm at now, I nannied last summer, spent all my money, became near broke again so I got a job at a ski resort this winter (which was my sister's idea so that we could go boarding there for free. Although i'm the one who ended up working there)I met this guy there. It turns out he is my neighbor. Just recently he moved in to an apartment building/house 4 houses down the road. It's a sober house. Things were shaky between us at first-for whatever reasons they were normal; he had one month clean, I have anxiety and depression, we're both really insecure. But once we got to know each other, our relationship is the most comfortable thing in the world. Then our relationship progressed into a sexual one. It was...I don't know. When we had sex I felt numb, and empty and after words I felt like crying bc I was sad and felt used. But it was strange because I knew I cared for him and that he cared for me. I didn't want to be feeling like that and I knew I shouldn't have been. I hadn't ever really had sober sex so I thought that maybe this was the reason I was feeling so torn. That and my depression. I told him that I didn't want to have sex anymore, at least for a while. He didn't understand and he felt hurt (as I said he's insecure. and as he admitted to me he's really horny) He wanted to know why. I wasn't exactly sure why, I had my suspicions but I didn't really know, I thought it might have had something to do with my childhood. He told me that if I told him, then he would tell me something personal about him that he has never told anyone before except his sponsor. He said he wouldn't judge. He's so comforting, when we lie in bed it feels like he's my safety blanket. So that night, everything came pouring out. My two sisters sexually abused me when I was a child. The two who were always mean to me. It was so crazy talking about it that night, I still feel like it's not true. It's hard to type the words "sexually abused" because those words are not enough to paint a picture. Each painting is different. And it's still difficult for me to accept that. You would never know any of this by just looking at me and my family. My mom is a science teacher, my step dad a chef, my oldest sister a lawyer, the one went to f.i.t. and had a job with designing, and the other is in college. I'm tall and pretty, even though I don't feel like it and I don't take care of myself, I have pimples and I hardly brush my hair, but I still see the looks guys give when I walk into a bar. I hate it. I hate that I notice that. I hate that a part of me wants to feel used because thats what I know. I hate my mind for seeing that man and like a switch, turning into a machine I think about him wanting me so I just go to him. But I don't want that. It hurts me. I'm still in the cycle of hurting myself. I'm trying to fix it. It's hard to do it by yourself. I'm eating healthy, I'm reading lots of books, I'm getting into practicing Buddhism seriously, I've recently started going to a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, I'm seeing a nutrionist, a physical therapist. With all of those people helping I still wish I had other's helping, I wish my family would help. My friends. But then I feel selfish. They don't know what to do. They are suffering themselves. I'm not meeting them half way. I don't have strength to meet anyone half way. And they don't either. I wish someone was strong enough to go all the way into my heart, who wasn't afraid to see what I see and to help me. But I don't think there is someone like that. So I'm trying to help myself since other's can't. Maybe that strong person I'm looking for is myself. Maybe I have to let myself into my heart. I don't know. To everyone in my life,
I was a good kid. Athletic, loved to climb trees and be outdoors and just having fun with whatever that was. Good natured, sensitive, bright student, won awards, kind and easy going. I was friends with everyone. I even thought of my 3 older sisters as friends, and two of them had horrible tempers and anger issues and made my life hell. But I was never affected by it and never got angry myself. Until I was around 13 and 14. I started becoming angry and not caring about school. Which is a pretty normal thing to experience at this age. But I also became very depressed and hostile. At my teachers, and my mom. I started drinking a lot and doing harmful things to myself. My high school experience was a blur, and I don’t think it was like most other kids. I was habitually in and out of hospitals, rehabs, therapist offices, stranger’s beds, black outs and acts of attempted suicide. No one knew what was happening to me and no one knew what to do. Those are the exact words that my mom uses to explain herself to me when I tell her I felt abandoned. I had one friend always by my side through out high school, but now I am not sure if she was a friend. Sometimes I wonder if she is partly to blame. It would be easier to say that. I had a boyfriend. We were just starting to get to know each other one summer before he left to study abroad in Barcelona. We stayed in touch the whole time he was there and grew closer, and when he came back we started dating. We dated for 3 months until he broke up with me to go to college. He told me the reason that he wanted to break up was because, being so far away, he wouldn’t be able to take care of me. He told me I’m smart, beautiful, kind and funny. He said I need to stop drinking, do well in school, so then I can go to the college he’s in. And he didn’t like my friend, he didn’t like the way she felt, or didn’t feel. After that I became even more depressed and introverted. I started viewing my friend differently and noticing that she didn’t care or acknowledge my feelings most of the time. And when I decided to stop smoking weed bc of a bad acid trip, she started ditching me to hang out with other ppl who smoked. Soon we stopped talking and she went around telling ppl that I stopped talking to her bc I went crazy. I’m torn because I still think that I love these two ppl.
After high school I became very isolated. I wanted to prove to my X boyfriend that I could change. So I stopped drinking (tried to) and stopped hanging out with people, with anyone. I started working in a nursing home as a CNA for 6 months. I learned a lot there, and I don’t know if it was good or bad. Then, with enough money I traveled to Japan with my friend from high school who is japanese. I came back and went back to my life as a bum. Living at home on the couch jobless. Then 4 months later when summer came around I got jobs painting houses and waitressing. I saved up more money, and in February I took off for Bolivia. I had decided that I wanted to do some sort of volunteer work with animals, and I found this great refuge in Villa Tunari Bolivia. I was the sole care taker of 8 baby monkeys for two months. I loved Bolivia so much. Even though I had an extraordinary experience it was also scary, and I was still severely depressed so I had my up and down moments.
I’m getting too wordy. To sum things up quickly so I can get to where I’m at now, I nannied last summer, spent all my money, became near broke again so I got a job at a ski resort this winter (which was my sister’s idea so that we could go boarding there for free. Although i’m the one who ended up working there)I met this guy there. It turns out he is my neighbor. Just recently he moved in to an apartment building/house 4 houses down the road. It’s a sober house. Things were shaky between us at first-for whatever reasons they were normal; he had one month clean, I have anxiety and depression, we’re both really insecure. But once we got to know each other, our relationship is the most comfortable thing in the world. Then our relationship progressed into a sexual one. It was…I don’t know. When we had sex I felt numb, and empty and after words I felt like crying bc I was sad and felt used. But it was strange because I knew I cared for him and that he cared for me. I didn’t want to be feeling like that and I knew I shouldn’t have been. I hadn’t ever really had sober sex so I thought that maybe this was the reason I was feeling so torn. That and my depression. I told him that I didn’t want to have sex anymore, at least for a while. He didn’t understand and he felt hurt (as I said he’s insecure. and as he admitted to me he’s really horny) He wanted to know why. I wasn’t exactly sure why, I had my suspicions but I didn’t really know, I thought it might have had something to do with my childhood. He told me that if I told him, then he would tell me something personal about him that he has never told anyone before except his sponsor. He said he wouldn’t judge. He’s so comforting, when we lie in bed it feels like he’s my safety blanket. So that night, everything came pouring out. My two sisters sexually abused me when I was a child. The two who were always mean to me. It was so crazy talking about it that night, I still feel like it’s not true. It’s hard to type the words “sexually abused” because those words are not enough to paint a picture. Each painting is different. And it’s still difficult for me to accept that.
You would never know any of this by just looking at me and my family. My mom is a science teacher, my step dad a chef, my oldest sister a lawyer, the one went to f.i.t. and had a job with designing, and the other is in college. I’m tall and pretty, even though I don’t feel like it and I don’t take care of myself, I have pimples and I hardly brush my hair, but I still see the looks guys give when I walk into a bar. I hate it. I hate that I notice that. I hate that a part of me wants to feel used because thats what I know. I hate my mind for seeing that man and like a switch, turning into a machine I think about him wanting me so I just go to him. But I don’t want that. It hurts me. I’m still in the cycle of hurting myself. I’m trying to fix it. It’s hard to do it by yourself. I’m eating healthy, I’m reading lots of books, I’m getting into practicing Buddhism seriously, I’ve recently started going to a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, I’m seeing a nutrionist, a physical therapist. With all of those people helping I still wish I had other’s helping, I wish my family would help. My friends. But then I feel selfish. They don’t know what to do. They are suffering themselves. I’m not meeting them half way. I don’t have strength to meet anyone half way. And they don’t either. I wish someone was strong enough to go all the way into my heart, who wasn’t afraid to see what I see and to help me. But I don’t think there is someone like that. So I’m trying to help myself since other’s can’t. Maybe that strong person I’m looking for is myself. Maybe I have to let myself into my heart. I don’t know.

]]> By: SarahM http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23701 SarahM Fri, 12 Feb 2010 19:43:14 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23701 Sometimes I feel that I am living for my friends and family than I am for myself. I don't know who I am anymore, then again I don't think that I really ever knew myself. Sometimes I feel that I am living for my friends and family than I am for myself. I don’t know who I am anymore, then again I don’t think that I really ever knew myself.

]]> By: StarGazer http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23693 StarGazer Tue, 09 Feb 2010 06:17:33 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23693 God brought you into my life; now I cry to God to bring you back God brought you into my life; now I cry to God to bring you back

]]> By: Sn.P http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23677 Sn.P Sat, 06 Feb 2010 04:49:09 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23677 te quiero, te quieto mucho, desde el primer dia que te vi, y todos los dias siguientes. te quiero, te quieto mucho, desde el primer dia que te vi, y todos los dias siguientes.

]]> By: little.one http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23669 little.one Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:53:52 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23669 I'm so angry with what you've done and it makes it worse knowing I have no right to be. I'm over you. But I'm sad this is all over. I’m so angry with what you’ve done and it makes it worse knowing I have no right to be. I’m over you. But I’m sad this is all over.

]]> By: Mermaid http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23664 Mermaid Mon, 01 Feb 2010 19:47:22 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23664 I gave you everything and you left when I needed you most. I've forgiven you already but I won't forget this time. In another month, I won't remember who you were. To my family - I'm so glad I was born into such a compassionate, loving, simple family. I love you and you know it. =) I gave you everything and you left when I needed you most. I’ve forgiven you already but I won’t forget this time. In another month, I won’t remember who you were.

To my family – I’m so glad I was born into such a compassionate, loving, simple family. I love you and you know it. =)

]]> By: Upnurroom http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23630 Upnurroom Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:10:07 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23630 Great way to get a fella out of your system! I likey!! Great way to get a fella out of your system! I likey!!

]]> By: unnurroom http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23623 unnurroom Wed, 27 Jan 2010 05:23:42 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23623 I know that you have done the best you knew how when it came to raising me. There were often times when I didn't feel like I was being heard which has affected me today. I want you to know that it is so very hard for me to express myself in person without fear of being rejected when the words leave my lips. Even today, there are times when I talk to you and you change the subject matter. I will never understand WHY you do that, but I'm no longer a child and I don't have to put up with that anymore. I wish that you would have encouraged me to reach for higher goals. I wish that you could have told me that I could do ANYTHING if I set my mind to it. I wish that you didn't act like my life was ruined when I became pregnant. I wish that you didn't make me feel like I was serving an 18 year life sentence after my daughter was born. Now I have come to understand that you simply did not know how to be supporive in that way because you never had support when you were growing up. I'm not using this as an excuse for your actions, but just an explanation as to who you are today. I understand now. Even though there were some steps that you missed in my child rearing,I still love you and now I realize that I can also forgive you. But FIRST, I'm going to forgive myself for loathing myself for so long. I am finally beginning to love and respect myself and I plan on teaching others to love and respect themselves as well. I know that you have done the best you knew how when it came to raising me. There were often times when I didn’t feel like I was being heard which has affected me today. I want you to know that it is so very hard for me to express myself in person without fear of being rejected when the words leave my lips. Even today, there are times when I talk to you and you change the subject matter. I will never understand WHY you do that, but I’m no longer a child and I don’t have to put up with that anymore.
I wish that you would have encouraged me to reach for higher goals. I wish that you could have told me that I could do ANYTHING if I set my mind to it. I wish that you didn’t act like my life was ruined when I became pregnant. I wish that you didn’t make me feel like I was serving an 18 year life sentence after my daughter was born. Now I have come to understand that you simply did not know how to be supporive in that way because you never had support when you were growing up. I’m not using this as an excuse for your actions, but just an explanation as to who you are today. I understand now.
Even though there were some steps that you missed in my child rearing,I still love you and now I realize that I can also forgive you. But FIRST, I’m going to forgive myself for loathing myself for so long. I am finally beginning to love and respect myself and I plan on teaching others to love and respect themselves as well.

]]> By: K http://www.thedailymind.com/happiness/say-what-you-need-to-say-here/comment-page-1/#comment-23610 K Fri, 22 Jan 2010 16:00:22 +0000 http://www.thedailymind.com/?p=881#comment-23610 It seems that your partner and child are very important to you...I assume, they feel the same about you?!?! If you are unhappy, this life is not meant to be thrown away...talk to your partner and see if you can make a change...3 years is a long time to be unhappy with such a great family. The happier you are, the happier your whole family will be. If your partner had written this message, wouldn't you want to jump in and help 'em out?? It seems that your partner and child are very important to you…I assume, they feel the same about you?!?! If you are unhappy, this life is not meant to be thrown away…talk to your partner and see if you can make a change…3 years is a long time to be unhappy with such a great family. The happier you are, the happier your whole family will be. If your partner had written this message, wouldn’t you want to jump in and help ‘em out??

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