Comments on: Healthy Divorce: Tips and Help for Getting Divorced and Reclaiming Your Happiness http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/ Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:37:42 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: hope http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/comment-page-1/#comment-20539 hope Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:41:19 +0000 http://thedailymind.com/?p=426#comment-20539 TDM...Hi, just want to say thanks for helping me see a little light at the end of the tunel. I've been married for a year and getting separated now. I am moving out in a few weeks when i recover from a surgery i just had. I am on a foreign country, with a few friends and a job that is enough to help me pay my bills and try to start from scratch, im not giving up but some days i break as you mention and feel i will never get out of this, i believe in God and the strenght comes from him also believe (or want to at least) that i will fall in love again some day, i am 31 year old and even when i still love my husband, he said he doesnt anymore and he never felt me on the physical side (it was so hard to feel rejected for a whole year from the man you gave everything for)..he never answered me back eventhough i tried communication, giving him space, being patient...wasnt enough... anyways, i tried all i could and that makes me feel good...if you have a private email i will like to ask you a few things. Thanks again for putting a little smile on my face. TDM…Hi, just want to say thanks for helping me see a little light at the end of the tunel. I’ve been married for a year and getting separated now. I am moving out in a few weeks when i recover from a surgery i just had. I am on a foreign country, with a few friends and a job that is enough to help me pay my bills and try to start from scratch, im not giving up but some days i break as you mention and feel i will never get out of this, i believe in God and the strenght comes from him also believe (or want to at least) that i will fall in love again some day, i am 31 year old and even when i still love my husband, he said he doesnt anymore and he never felt me on the physical side (it was so hard to feel rejected for a whole year from the man you gave everything for)..he never answered me back eventhough i tried communication, giving him space, being patient…wasnt enough… anyways, i tried all i could and that makes me feel good…if you have a private email i will like to ask you a few things. Thanks again for putting a little smile on my face.

]]> By: maj http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/comment-page-1/#comment-4252 maj Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:42:43 +0000 http://thedailymind.com/?p=426#comment-4252 //weird thing is we have "love" for eachother... situations complicated but I've had to cut myself off from her..but now I look for her wander about her. I know ive not to contact her as this will make things worst emotions come back... The problem is we have a child together and we are at different sides of the atlantic. The wounds are fresh and Im not sure how much contact I should have. Our kids just a baby and Ive never seen him. Help someone plz :( //weird thing is we have “love” for eachother… situations complicated but I’ve had to cut myself off from her..but now I look for her wander about her. I know ive not to contact her as this will make things worst emotions come back… The problem is we have a child together and we are at different sides of the atlantic. The wounds are fresh and Im not sure how much contact I should have. Our kids just a baby and Ive never seen him.

Help someone plz :(

]]> By: maj http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/comment-page-1/#comment-4251 maj Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:39:46 +0000 http://thedailymind.com/?p=426#comment-4251 its tough isnt it. i keep looking for her and stuff its killing me.. Help! its tough isnt it. i keep looking for her and stuff its killing me.. Help!

]]> By: Puerhan http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/comment-page-1/#comment-3742 Puerhan Sat, 15 Nov 2008 20:43:18 +0000 http://thedailymind.com/?p=426#comment-3742 Well what made a difference for me, although it took a lot of effort, was to always focus inwards and look to how I could be responsible for whatever situation arose. It was so easy just to blame my ex and play the victim and of course it is easy to get sympathy and agreement for this version of events! However, this didn't help me or anyone else involved! Once I stopped blaming and started accepting the situation as it was and looking at how I could be responsible for it, everything got a lot lighter. There is freedom in being responsibly for our own situation no matter how much it might look like it's not really our fault. Even if my ex did behave certain ways and say certain things, my reaction and my behaviour was still 100% up to me. After a little while I really cleaned up my behaviour (starting acting like an adult again!) and actually apologised a number of times for when I had behaved poorly, broken promised etc. I spent a lot of time on my own and I kept in close contact with my family. In particular, my older brother gave me a lot of encouragement and support to be responsible for myself and my situation and not slip into playing the victim. I also never broke a promise or commitment to my children so they knew that they could always count on me and our relationship was always free from whatever else was going on. Oh yeah, and I did everything I could to maintain self-discipline and not talk down about my ex with my children. In fact once I started being responsible and not playing a victim I did everything I could to not talk down about my ex to anyone! I can't say I always succeeded but it certainly made a difference making a clear effort. Now we get on pretty well - the only reason we have any contact still is because of our shared children, but that is a strong link and an important part of my life. Well what made a difference for me, although it took a lot of effort, was to always focus inwards and look to how I could be responsible for whatever situation arose. It was so easy just to blame my ex and play the victim and of course it is easy to get sympathy and agreement for this version of events! However, this didn’t help me or anyone else involved! Once I stopped blaming and started accepting the situation as it was and looking at how I could be responsible for it, everything got a lot lighter. There is freedom in being responsibly for our own situation no matter how much it might look like it’s not really our fault. Even if my ex did behave certain ways and say certain things, my reaction and my behaviour was still 100% up to me. After a little while I really cleaned up my behaviour (starting acting like an adult again!) and actually apologised a number of times for when I had behaved poorly, broken promised etc.

I spent a lot of time on my own and I kept in close contact with my family. In particular, my older brother gave me a lot of encouragement and support to be responsible for myself and my situation and not slip into playing the victim. I also never broke a promise or commitment to my children so they knew that they could always count on me and our relationship was always free from whatever else was going on.

Oh yeah, and I did everything I could to maintain self-discipline and not talk down about my ex with my children. In fact once I started being responsible and not playing a victim I did everything I could to not talk down about my ex to anyone! I can’t say I always succeeded but it certainly made a difference making a clear effort.

Now we get on pretty well – the only reason we have any contact still is because of our shared children, but that is a strong link and an important part of my life.

]]> By: The Daily Minder http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/comment-page-1/#comment-3707 The Daily Minder Fri, 14 Nov 2008 13:09:24 +0000 http://thedailymind.com/?p=426#comment-3707 You disagree with me? WHAT! Just joking... :) Interesting point about the soul mate. Let me have a think about what you've said and I'll write a reply later. Thanks for the great comment, as always. TDM You disagree with me? WHAT! Just joking… :)

Interesting point about the soul mate. Let me have a think about what you’ve said and I’ll write a reply later.

Thanks for the great comment, as always.

TDM

]]> By: Mickey http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/comment-page-1/#comment-3706 Mickey Fri, 14 Nov 2008 12:58:45 +0000 http://thedailymind.com/?p=426#comment-3706 Spot on with the bit about adults acting like children. I've yet to see a divorce where this did not occur. People are mean, vengeful, and petty. They try every thing they can to hang on to the most ridiculous things, either because the other person wants it, or they don't want to let go. I've seen people fight over who gets the place mats on the dinner table. My lord, 6 dollars will get you a whole new set, it is completely not worth it to fight over that. Then the things they do to the children is abhorrent. Using them as chess pieces in their strategy to hurt or get back the other person, its disgusting, and abusive. They don't do it on purpose, but since they've regressed into that super egotistical stage of childhood, I don't think they are able to see someone else's viewpoint until they come out on the other side. I do have to disagree on your soul mate rant. I believe in soul mates; people that really resonate with you, make you happy, etc. My wife, I've been with for ten years, could I live without her? Of course, I did just fine before her, but we walk this path so competently together, we typically harmonize in such a productive and mutually beneficial way that it is like we were made for each other. Some of you may remember that a few weeks ago, I was pretty hurt and upset, and frankly afraid that we were through. Its the only time, and hopefully the last time we've had a cataclysm of that nature in our relationship, and it gave me a great deal of perspective on what I had been taking for granted. I know this is a bit romantic, but there it is anyway. I know I could get along without her, and if one day it happens, well, as you say, its the nature of impermanence, but I'm not going to rush that day, and instead rejoice in what she and I share together, in this moment. Even though I know I could move on, I truly cannot imagine being as fulfilled with anyone else as I am with her. I'm sure I could "love" someone else, but I just can't imagine it would have the same breadth and depth as the totality I share with Melissa. ~Mickey Spot on with the bit about adults acting like children. I’ve yet to see a divorce where this did not occur. People are mean, vengeful, and petty. They try every thing they can to hang on to the most ridiculous things, either because the other person wants it, or they don’t want to let go. I’ve seen people fight over who gets the place mats on the dinner table. My lord, 6 dollars will get you a whole new set, it is completely not worth it to fight over that. Then the things they do to the children is abhorrent. Using them as chess pieces in their strategy to hurt or get back the other person, its disgusting, and abusive. They don’t do it on purpose, but since they’ve regressed into that super egotistical stage of childhood, I don’t think they are able to see someone else’s viewpoint until they come out on the other side.

I do have to disagree on your soul mate rant. I believe in soul mates; people that really resonate with you, make you happy, etc. My wife, I’ve been with for ten years, could I live without her? Of course, I did just fine before her, but we walk this path so competently together, we typically harmonize in such a productive and mutually beneficial way that it is like we were made for each other. Some of you may remember that a few weeks ago, I was pretty hurt and upset, and frankly afraid that we were through. Its the only time, and hopefully the last time we’ve had a cataclysm of that nature in our relationship, and it gave me a great deal of perspective on what I had been taking for granted. I know this is a bit romantic, but there it is anyway. I know I could get along without her, and if one day it happens, well, as you say, its the nature of impermanence, but I’m not going to rush that day, and instead rejoice in what she and I share together, in this moment. Even though I know I could move on, I truly cannot imagine being as fulfilled with anyone else as I am with her. I’m sure I could “love” someone else, but I just can’t imagine it would have the same breadth and depth as the totality I share with Melissa.

~Mickey

]]> By: The Daily Minder http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/comment-page-1/#comment-3700 The Daily Minder Fri, 14 Nov 2008 10:25:31 +0000 http://thedailymind.com/?p=426#comment-3700 Hi Puerhan. I am sorry to hear about your divorce. I know it can be tough. Do you have any advice for people who are going through it and how they can come out of it with a positive attitude like you did? Hi Puerhan.

I am sorry to hear about your divorce. I know it can be tough.

Do you have any advice for people who are going through it and how they can come out of it with a positive attitude like you did?

]]> By: Puerhan http://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/healthy-divorce-tips-and-help-for-getting-divorced-and-reclaiming-your-happiness/comment-page-1/#comment-3684 Puerhan Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:17:47 +0000 http://thedailymind.com/?p=426#comment-3684 I found that even after a short marriage divorce can be a very hard process. I feel that in addition to what you suggest, it has to do with the power of making a public declaration (promise/vow) and that this kind of power is bigger than an individual. Breaking the declaration and saying that it is no longer true takes a lot of energy on many levels. I also think that linked to an attachment to the partner is possibly an even stronger attachment - to the idea of ourself that we hold onto as being true. I was married for 1 year, separated and then subsequently got divorced. I felt as though the person I thought I was, was literally broken up into pieces by the process - I was no longer the loving husband, father etc etc that I thought I was! I hardly knew who I was any more! I also found myself thinking that I was a liar and a failure, not so much to my ex-partner, but to myself and about my idea of who I thought I was. Ultimately it was a very liberating process and I woke up from a number of illusions I had about who I thought I was and I am very grateful for my experiences, however, it was incredibly painful at the time! I found that even after a short marriage divorce can be a very hard process. I feel that in addition to what you suggest, it has to do with the power of making a public declaration (promise/vow) and that this kind of power is bigger than an individual. Breaking the declaration and saying that it is no longer true takes a lot of energy on many levels.

I also think that linked to an attachment to the partner is possibly an even stronger attachment – to the idea of ourself that we hold onto as being true.

I was married for 1 year, separated and then subsequently got divorced. I felt as though the person I thought I was, was literally broken up into pieces by the process – I was no longer the loving husband, father etc etc that I thought I was! I hardly knew who I was any more! I also found myself thinking that I was a liar and a failure, not so much to my ex-partner, but to myself and about my idea of who I thought I was. Ultimately it was a very liberating process and I woke up from a number of illusions I had about who I thought I was and I am very grateful for my experiences, however, it was incredibly painful at the time!

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