I am sorry to hear about your grandma.

One of the tough lessons of growing up is that you can’t change people. You can wish them well, lead by example and gently talk to them but that is it. If she doesn’t want to change by herself she never will. As such you should not beat yourself up over things you cannot change.

I know this is not much help but you must learn to relax into the compassion. Don’t let it turn into depression and anxiety because then it becomes a negative – two people are suffering.

And we’ll always be here for a chat. You can add me on Twitter if you need to talk.

TDM

I live with my step-grandmother and about a year ago she had lung cancer. Luckily she recovered but started smoking again. She just could not stop herself. She would say she quit and smoke secretly. She always worries about everything no matter how much I and everybody in our family try to support and help her. Smoking was an escape for her. She refused all kinds of professional support also. Only once she accepted but that was because she has trouble sleeping and wanted some sleeping pills. The more she worried the more she smoked and the more she smoked the more guilty she felt. All that smoking, worrying and guilt made her cancer come back. She now feels even more guilty. She doesn’t tell but I just can feel it. I think her thoughts and feelings make it harder for her to recover. I wish there was something I could do to ease her mind, but she is not into talking and distractions do not really have a long term effect.

I am 21 years old. My empathy is very strong, I feel almost everything a person near me feels and I just can not be OK when a person close to me is suffering. I loose weight because of the emotional overload (I’m about 42kg). It’s not because I’m not eating. I just can’t make people understand that. But I don’t have much of a problem with this and I can always find relief in art (I make illustrations). I just want to help my grandmother because I feel like all her pain is not just the cancer, it is some kind of burden she has been carrying for a long time. Its weight is everywhere. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

thanks and love

Thank you for commenting. It means a lot.

I sincerely hope your son is okay. And I hope you are doing okay too.

With love

TDM

I am so sorry to hear about your husbands illness. Although it can’t really compare to a spouse, my best friend was diagnosed with stage four non-hodkins lymphoma in 2006 so I have some idea about what you are going through. I know how hard it can be for those on the sidelines.

It sounds to me like your husband is really trying to deal with his situation and it is manifesting as him being grumpy and snappy. As I’m sure you understand he is going through a lot. I would highly encourage you to organize some counseling for him if he isn’t already. A professional can really help a lot.

As for you, you don’t need to hide your feeling all the time. If you husband is terminal you need to tell him how you feel while you have the chance. For example, when he says “I’m not getting better” you could perhaps tell him how important it is for the two of you to enjoy what time you have left. Tell him that you don’t need him to prepare you for the worst – you can do that yourself.

The last thing that you MUST do Winter is go and see a professional. The hospitals have counselors who deal with this stuff everyday and they have some great tips to give. If you are struggling to cope you must go and see one. It is so important. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed – you are suffering. Please make an appointment.

You are in my prayers – I have been thinking about you all morning. I sincerely hope this turns out for the best.

TDM