5 Things That Are Holding You Back in Life
Today I want to write a post that is straight to the point. No mucking around. Here are five things that are holding you back in life. Because of these five things you are going to miss out on a wealth of experiences, dreams and fall short of your childhood aspirations. I hope you can get on top of them today.
5 things that hold you back in life
If you recognize even one of these things in your own life you need to make a change before it is too late. And remember, we all have the power to make a change, even if it is the hardest thing in the world to do.
1. Fear
Fear is the number one thing that will hold you back in life. And fear comes in primarily two forms:
- fear of failure; and
- fear of success
People who have a lot of fear never end up achieving their goals in life because the are too afraid of what they might achieve or have to go through trying to bring about those achievements. Fear is a big one for me, I am still very afraid. I am afraid of success for the most part. And it is crippling.
Let me share a little example with you. Four years ago in India I was traveling with three friends, all from different parts of the world. We had the idea that we wanted to go and visit this great yogi who lived in the high mountains and we all agreed that it was a wonderful idea. Upon starting out on the journey, however, one person (a young American man) changed his mind and decided that the journey was too dangerous. We bid him farewell and continued on anyway and within two days we were sitting in this yogi’s personal quarters having been granted a private audience. Fear stopped our companion from experiencing something truly wonderful for this meeting has shaped our lives in many ways.
2. Attachment
The next thing that will hold you back is attachment. This attachment comes in many forms and it is extremely powerful as it is something that humans do very well. The downside, however, is that nothing good ever comes from attachment. It always causes suffering.
Take a look at yourself and see if you are attached to anything and then see whether that attachment is holding you back. You might be fond of your homeland, parents or current lifestyle and that fondness might be stopping you from moving forward. The great Buddhist master Gampopa said that if you want to be happy you need to leave your homeland as soon as you are able. Otherwise your life will be characterized by attachment.
3. Arrogance
Some of my relatives are extremely arrogant. They think they have all the answers about life and business and religion. The problem is they are all really unhappy. I strongly believe that if they just took a few minutes to get out of their own way they could begin to discover a lot more in life.
Never assume that you have all the answers. Always ask questions and keep a sense of curiosity. Even the most learned people like Albert Einstein and the Dalai Lama keep a sense of humility because they realize that there is still so much to be learned and discovered.
4. Dogma
Dogma is a very dangerous thing. It is where you become so blinded to a way of thinking that you are closed off to all other possibilities. It is where you accept something as fact without taking the time to really establish whether or not it accurate. And, like all things here today, dogma is holding you back in a big way.
photo credit: Storm Crypt
Dogma, especially religious dogma, stops you from finding the real “juice” of the subject. When you are dogmatic about your religion you lose touch of the essence as you are so caught up in defending your own position, even to yourself. Religion, in its truest sense, is supposed to make you more open and spacious, not less. Avoid dogma if you want to grow internally.
5. Money
The quest to earn more money holds you back as much as anything does. The journey to be financially free has ruined more people’s chance at happiness than anything else. I honestly wonder how much better life would have been for my parents if they had spent their time learning about satisfaction as opposed to wanting something better. Perhaps their life would have been all the more fulfilling.
Don’t let money hold you back in life. If you find that you are putting work ahead of family, spirituality or other more genuine pursuits in life then you need to make a change. It will be a source of regret in the future.
Conclusion
Most of the time it is your own negative emotions that hold you back in life. The opportunities for happiness and success are out there, you just need to make sure you are willing and able to get them. If anyone has any other thoughts about things that hold us back in life please drop a comment and let us know.
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I just wanted to add that if you have any specific stories about something that has held you back I would love to hear them. I always learn a lot from these kind of comments.
Holding us back from what, exactly. When you say “moving forward,” what is it we’re supposed to be moving toward, or away from?
We are being held back from self-actualizing (see Abraham Maslow). We are supposed to be moving toward self-actualization, although some argue you can never “reach” it because it is a constant process. You want to be in the flow – always self-actualizing and living life to its fullest potential.
Oh, I’ve read Maslow. The whole “self-actualization” thing is very, very fuzzy. There’s a lot written about “fulfilling potential” etc without anyone ever stating what that potential might be. I could probably write several pages on that alone (don’t worry, I won’t!). It seems that there would be much better ways to define this.
Looking at this a second time, it seems the author is approaching this from a goal-oriented perspective. That is the “moving forward” bit is moving toward something that we desire – family, better jobs, travel, adventure. It doesn’t really matter what the goal might be, but it does create some contradictions.
For example, in the Attachment section he writes about your family holding you back, while in the Money section he switches it around and says that the desire for money might be keeping you from spending time with your family. So at that, it seems a matter of priorities, whether you value your family or your money more.
Like Siddatha and The Alchemist I spent many decades ’searching’ perhaps for ’self-actualization’, and I was often also ‘held back’ from ‘fulfilling potential’. One day (or evening actually) I let it all go, in an instant and realised that I had everything I was seeking already within myself.
I had been holding myself back by always assuming that my potential was something in the future, whereas in fact my full potential was just to be ME in every moment. All I had to do was wake up to every moment. Which I now do with varying success!
I have one criticism of the Daily Minder’s writings. I have found that if I use the words ‘you’ or ‘we’ at the start of what I have found to be MY truth then really, all I am doing is preaching. If my preaching is apparently stating what I see as an un-arguable truth then surely I am just presenting ‘dogma’. Seems to me that the “5 Things” are just someone’s truth and therefor could easily be dogma (defined above as “It is where you become so blinded to a way of thinking that you are closed off to all other possibilities.”
I used to preach dogma and a large pedestal formed under me, created by myself and by others. Now I realise I am just a very happy, ordinary bloke standing/sitting firmly on the ground but with a somewhat expanded view of all that IS. I used to get so bogged down in very basic ’stuff’ such as money and survival but have found that those are just diversions from a much Bigger Picture.
BTW I agree with all the “5 Things”. It’s just that I always react to what I perceive as ‘preaching’, especially of dogma. (Yes, all right, my father was a preacher so I am, perhaps over- sensitive!)
Hi
This particular post has stirred deep feelings within me because I am being stopped by my fear of success, attachment and sometimes, arrogance. I am petrified at the thought of what ‘others’ make of me. I left my homeland with my husband to manifest our dreams in our daily lives. It was a hard decision because we had to leave behind my mother-in-law who lives alone. Of course, we made sure she was with us for the birth of our first child. We have plans to settle down in one place before my mother-in-law retires from work in about two years. Then she would live with us for the remaining of her life. Even with all the best intentions and best laid plans, we are bombarded with accusations and abuses. I am made to feel more guilty than my husband because I come from a culture that targets the woman more than the man. But I am working with myself, going within myself as Rainer Maria Rilke said, to find the answers to my pain. I dream of being a neurosurgeon and a molecular neuroscientist. My dreams are on their way to become a reality. But fear of what ‘others’ will say and my own attachment to their opinions stops me many a times. Do you have anything particular to say about this?
Wonderful comment. I don’t have time now but I will write a longer response to you later. Thanks for the comment.
Hi “What’s in a Name?”:
I just happened upon this website and really have nothing to add to the topic at hand, but your note jumped out at me, as I was in a similar position once upon a time in my life. To make a long story short, even though my husband was against it, I decided I HAD to go to medical school. The day I was excepted was literally the happiest day in my life, and I never looked back. After four years of med school, I did a three year residency and was in practice for twenty-five years before retiring because of health reasons. Looking back, there are things I would definitely do differently, but NOT going to med school is not one of them. Follow your heart. It sounds as though you have the same drive and the same NEED to do it that I had some forty years ago. So go for it! And good luck!
This is so amazingly true. Every word, and each of the five. I find I struggle with fear and some attachments the most. While I have worked through many of them, there are still a few lingering ones that have quite a foot-hold. I have noticed this especially as I’m getting older, they grab hold deeper, stronger.
What’s interesting is while I have certain fears, there are others I do not. So I don’t consider myself a ‘fearful’ person in general. I wouldn’t say I’m fearful of success of failure, but of other things. They say that fear is just faith turned inside-out. However you define it, it definitely holds you back. It holds me back.
Thank you for sharing this very insightful post!
I was just curious as to how ALL forms of attachment hold an individual back in life and prevent them from experiencing the ultimate happiness. Attachment to parents? Drop it? Really? Attachment to other people is, for me anyway, one of the sources of greatest happiness for me in life. This attachment does not deter me from moving/traveling to new places, or making new friends. And I would gladly suffer the pain of missing all of these people when I can’t be with them, rather than not have anyone to miss. Not having anyone miss you or anyone to miss would be an incredibly meaningless and lonely life. Lack of attachment to individuals would mean a lack of true companionship and love. That is not a form of attachment that holds people back.
Megan. I understand what you are saying 100%. Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough with what I meant by the idea of non-attachment.
Of course we can love and cherish our parents and kids. It would be wrong to think anything else. But what we can do is stop grasping at them and at favorable conditions. The Buddhists say that when you love someone without the attachment you really open up to who they are and take your relationship to a new level. Non-attachment is not some frosty indifference, it is just something that allows us to accept all circumstances.
Attachment is only a problem when you grasp. If you can travel around the world and deal with the pain of missing your parents then you are fine. But if your attachment is holing you back, that’s when I think you need to make a change.
Great comment! Hope to hear from you again.
TDM
Yes, I see what you mean. And I can agree with that, wholeheartedly. I moved 900 miles away from my family, and my boyfriend (we broke up because of it) and everything I knew, for college. And I intend to study abroad and join the Peace Corps within the next few years. So even though I love my family, I am not allowing that attachment to hold me back. But I can definitely see how many individuals allow those relationships to keep them from realizing their full potential and experience new things.
Thanks for your response! Your clarification was really helpful.
Megan, I found out during my own personal growth that the feeling of ‘lonely’ comes from not knowing yourself well enough. Back then my mentor told me that once I knew myself thoroughly I could never feel lonely again. My 30 years of fulfilling life since then have proved him right!
I would add Guilt to your list. Guilt can be a soul destroyer, we need to learn to forgive ourselves.
Yes! Guilt and doubt.
Maybe it is a combination of fear and attachment but over thinking is one of them that hold you back in your life.First of all it is time consuming and mostly your simple issues gets complicated in your mind with over thinking.Other thing is when you think about your decision you find new fears or new reasons to not to do! I think in small decisions you need to make quick decesions rather than over thinking.
Excellent Post. Could not help but notice that a number of commentators have asked the question, “Where are we supposed to be going?” or words to that effect.
Just thought that you might want to check out the answer to that question by looking into the writings of a fellow by the name of Joseph Chilton Pearce and his work on child development.
Thanks,
I would widen “dogma” into “belief” of any kind.
Every belief is also a limitation. Why?
If you believe something is ’so’ you will also believe other things are ‘not so’ and you won’t investigate them. If you’re SURE (= believe!) there’s nothing on the other side of the fence you won’t even look.
Sorry if I’m doubling up here but I’ve tried to comment twice and it hasn’t worked so here’s try number 3. (unfortunately shorter than the others.)
Surely if I speak, or write, about something which I consider to be The Truth and I assume it to be an un-arguable truth then I am preaching dogma? The Daily Minder defines dogma as “It is where you become so blinded to a way of thinking that you are closed off to all other possibilities”. Aren’t the “5 Ways” just his own belief systems put out as The Truth and therefor dogma??? I have found that the use of the words ‘we’ and ‘you’ in truth statements usually give warning of preaching and dogma.
Perhaps there are actually 55 Ways or perhaps only one?
Personally I only have one belief system and it is ‘to let go of all belief systems’ LOL
Thanks for this post! It was quite inspirational.
However, I disagree with the last thing that holds us back. I understand that you may mean that it being a workaholic holds you back (in the extreme sense), but it is not completely true–I believe you can’t pursue your dreams to the fullest until you have enough money for it. You can’t always earn the sufficient amount of money from what you love to do, so sometimes you have to make sacrifices.
But I do agree–the urge for money does indeed hold many of us back from what we are truly passionate about.
I have to agree with the Daily Minder about money. Money does not bring happiness and it sure can hold us back. In my experience and observation of others I’m convinced that Western society has sold us a huge lie about money. Nearly every so called ‘rich’ person is, in my opinion poor as they always seem to think they don’t have ‘enough’ money, whereas the happiest people I know may have hardly any money but consider they have ‘enough’. I see these latter as being far richer than the wealthy.
Of course some dreams can’t be pursued without money but why set those sort of dreams? Set goals that require little, if any money and suddenly the world becomes a rather wonderful place!
If you’re limiting your dreams to those that are cheap, isn’t that just another way you’re “holding yourself back”?
Good point, prufrock!
Actually I sort of disagree with the whole ‘holding yourself back’ idea anyway. It assumes that you are striving for something in the future, whereas I have found that that is pointless, as I have everything I am/need/want/desire here in this present moment. After all, I may be dead in 2 minutes time, who knows?
How can I ever find my ‘full potential’ sometime in the future. It has to be Who I Am in each moment as it comes along.
I can honestly say that I have absolutely no goals for the future apart from being present in every moment. (Ah, I’ve found a Paradox – must be on the right track!) I do however have to admit that I am far from perfect and do slip back into old patterns if I don’t keep my awareness sharp.
Oh, to be so young! Obviously you aren’t married and don’t have children or you would understand that attachment can be very positive. Now, if you had said attachment to THINGS I would agree wholeheartedly. That kind of attachment can indeed be very negative. Attachment to people, however, can enrich our lives beyond comprehension. Yes, there can be unhealthy attachment to others when it’s not reciprocated or when it’s the result of a dysfunctional relationship, I will give you that, but when it’s good it’s the best.
You also missed one aspect of fear- the fear of death or injury can hold one back as well as the fear of success or failure. Although I suppose death can be seen as the ultimate failure, in a sense. You touched upon that with the fear that held your friend back from visiting the yogi with you but didn’t articulate that it wasn’t his fear of success or failure but rather a fear of personal injury that stopped him from traveling with you.
Other than a couple of nitpicky things, I agree with the gist of what you are saying. Don’t let fear hold you back; CARPE DIEM!
I believe that most of what you mentioned will push you forward, but wait……..why we are so thirsty to be at the front to be the best to be the ones with wealth? I think this contradict with the internal peace of the human…..some times relaxing and enjoying the life as it is and not trying to polish it more will be more convenient.
I always pursue your posts. It may seems strange to your readers, but as a matter of fact, studying such free minds like yours and your readers works out just like fresh air for me. I come from a country in which thought is forbidden. Here they arrest all the opposed publications and webs. The last election was an obvious cheating and all the opposed gatherings were suppressed. My cosine is arrested since almost 20 days ago while his family is absolutely unaware of him. The main theme I am trying to point out is that my family is a small model of the same pattern of the Islamic Republic? in Iran.
It is very important or better to say soothing for me to talk to you who basically think and live differently. My parents believe that girls must marry, the sooner the better, if not, they must fully obey their parents, especially their father. Although I have come to terms with them in almost any subject material, like the style of my clothing, my relations, etc, my father has threatened to kill me if I refuse the absolute submission. I am graduated in physics at the 2nd ranking university in my field in Iran and I was accepted in the entrance exam of master degree at another 2nd ranking university in the field of physics. I love music, while I m not even allowed to audio it. Just imagine an atheist under a veil (chador). Now I am in a difficult dilemma. Selecting the master degree, beside all my other aims exactly means leaving my family for the rest of my life. I must chose between to choices: 1- Staying with my family in a town (Qom) with traditional fossilized culture which I hate, forgetting all my goals for ever. And 2- leaving them for ever, assuming if I have no family in the world, finishing my graduate studying, migrating to liberal democracy societies, learning ballet, violin, playing my favorite sports, selecting my own friends, setting my relations..
I have almost taken my decision, but there is a hidden fear inside me which I cannot deny it wholly. I am fearful of being supposed to be evil if I leave my family for ever, although they have even threatened me to killing. I know logically such a fear is nonsense, but I don’t know where it comes from myself.
Sorry for the very lengthy comment. Wishes!
This is an amazing comment. I truly hope you make the right decision and then have no regrets about it.
Good luck.
TDM
Short but true.
I would add:
Also, other people tend to say something like that about my ideas.
1. Laziness (lack of motivation) – most of the people don’t think about their distant future. They think about current week or month and that’s all. Even if they have some motivation to do something it soon disappears. I don’t know how to effectively motivate myself yet (and others) so I decided not to motivate myself but change my habits and this helps me to complete my goals almost automatically…
2. Bad habits – most of the people do the same things everyday and it often leads nowhere. I mean they stay on the same level and usually they are not happy about this level. They want more. Changing habits isn’t an easy task but I personally managed to change some of them. I stopped being unproductive most of the time and started to do things BUT it doesn’t solve all of my problems so it’s not enough or my new habits are still bad. Also, I have no idea what should I do to complete some of my goals (there are a few strange ones).
3. Scepticism – that’s also something that holds me back. I know that I should do something to achieve something (or even only try) but in some cases my brain tells me “don’t do it because… “.
Fear and other emotions are something I personally can’t go through. That’s the strongest barrier so it’s good choice to place it as number 1. I can’t control my fear and other emotions in 100%.
Example: Even if I know that I shouldn’t think about my enemies all the time (that’s good example where emotions are over logical thinking) I can’t control it. I’m thinking about past happenings and about them. I’m wasting time.
Arrogance, attachment, dogma, money – that’s something easier to fight with for me and I don’t have many problems about it.
Loved your article. I really like psychology and I’m looking forward to seeing more great articles from you!
Thanks for the added points Paul. I hope to see you around the blog some more.
Hello,
Did that yogi told that what is the purpose of life?
This question has been haunting me since years but I still can’t find any answers to it.
He did. Said again and again that the purpose of life is to help others. He said every word, thought and deed should be done with the motivation of helping someone else.
i really liked this… kinda gave me motivation to do what i want. currnetly im a senior and about to graduate from hghschool and i have to find something to study. the one that got me was fear, i have that from what i might study. ive never acted before but have grown to like it a lot in the past year i wasnt sure if i wanted to pursue a career because of fear, but this gave me some motivation to pursue it. thanks